A Dichotomoy of Relationship Confusion: “I hate you – don’t leave me”

BPDs are notorious for their poor management of relationships. More specifically, BPDs cause friends, family, and partners significant emotional pain due to constant mood swings, tirades, acting out, and in extreme circumstances suicide attempts or physical violence.

At times, BPDs have intense and often uncontrolable hate and negative emotions towards a loved one. This may be ignited through what seems to be an insignificant remark, act, or even body language towards the BPD.

Because the world of BPD is so polarized, everything is black or white. One minute you hate the person, the next minute you love them. The next day, it is back to hate, and then a few hours later love.

This frantic pattern of emotions confuses, upsets, and in many cases turns away the affections of loved ones, to the point that the BPD ultimately isolates him or herself as a result of their own anger towards important people in their lives.

Thus, as one major author on BPD declared, the dependant nature of BPD can be summed up in the following phrase: “I hate you, Don’t leave me”.

In brief, this phrase illustrates the nature of BPDs in that they do not expect consequences from others for their acute emotional reactions. They harbor both hate and yet an umbilical, almost life depending relationship, with their loved one.

Ultimately, BPDs fear abandonment. They fear loss of emotional support and safety nets, and will often go to great extremes and make hysterical attempts at trying to fix ruptures in relationships.

This is particularly apparent in the termination of romantic relationships, when, whether or not BPD was a factor, the BPD sufferer will ruminate and become obsessive about the need of the relationship in their lives. They will often stalk or otherwise “follow” their former partner or loved one around in a vain attempt at feeling whole once again.

The problem is, the BPD is never quite whole to begin with, which makes difficulties in relationships so profound and emotionally damaging to the BPD.

In my case, I have acted out, (and acted in) to important people in my life true to BPD form. When I broke up a relationship in college, the emotional toll in my mind festered for months, and there were days when I longed for the person back in my life, and then there were days when I completely dismissed them as worthy of being called a human being.

The underlying factor was that I could not cope with the loss of this relationship and did not have the skills to find ways to move my life forward.

I must also note that my BPD “I hate you – don’t leave me” complex plays a large role in the relationship I have with my parents.

If you read an earlier post about my perceived poor upbringing due to a stern and at times violent parent, you would guess that I hate this individual. The truth is I don’t know how I feel: some days it is hate, some days diplomatic respect, some days love, other days distant and aloof.

So, when I had my BPD tantrums, which on 2 occasions landed me in a psych ward, I both hated my parents but ultimately would have felt terribly devastated if they left my side.

In the end, this troubling “either/or” pattern of the BPD leaves many loved ones no choice but to leave for their own emotional health, which of course the BPD only comes to realize months, if not years later, through therapy and counseling about managing emotions and dependancy in relationships effectively.