Point: BPD IS Selfish Evil
If I divided a paper into 2 columns and wrote down things I’ve done wrong in one column and negative things that have happened to me completely beyond my control in the other, I’d have to say the former category (my own misdeeds) would dwarf the list of random evil.
While BPD does not entirely comprise my inner-self and soul, it certainly takes up a lot of space. Many would say I’m nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing. BPD is evil to the core, completely self centered, and very narcissistic. People with BPD excuse their outrageous temper tantrums with irrational logic and emotions far beyond the spectrum of the “normal” population. In this respect, it may appear to others that people with BPD are using their diagnosis of mental illness as a cop-out for their own evil behavior, always acting like a victim opposed to a victimizer.
After all, we are all ultimately responsible for our own behavior. As someone diagnosed with BPD, sometimes I see myself as a destructive force in occasional moments of clarity. I am manipulative, short tempered, moody, violent, and extremely difficult to live with. Most of all, after exhibiting these types of behaviors, I expect others to forgive me and move on, as if it is possible to forget an emotional hurricane that has destroyed all semblance of human relations.
Think about it. If you’ve been on the receiving end of a BPD tantrum, you probably walk away hysterical, angry, or some combination of both. The BPD has flipped out on you, directing all their feelings at you as if it’s your fault and your responsibility to accept. In reality, it’s not your fault, although the BPD will make it very clear through desperate acts that it is. The straw that breaks the proverbial “camel’s back” sets off a nasty chain reaction that puts you in direct aim of volatile emotional artillery.
Then, there are suicidal gestures. Someone you know and love who suffers from severe BPD has no doubt talked about – or attempted – suicide. At the very least, you’ve had to help them deal with their self mutilation, which boggles your mind because you can’t understand why the BPD is hurting themselves. You find it very selfish of them to act in this way, constantly draining the emotional reserves of other people in order to just feel “OK”.
When faced with someone with BPD, their selfish acts boil down to evil that is sometimes beyond reproach.
Counter-Point: BPD IS NOT Selfish Evil
I suffer from BPD. It is an extremely painful condition and gets in the way of every aspect of my life. My intimate relationships with people have a pock-marked history of great moments and horrible disasters which I can not explain. I get angry and very depressed and I don’t always know why. It’s as if a rabid feeling of rage comes over me and I lash out at the nearest person. I don’t mean to do it. It just happens because I feel so empty inside.
There were times in my life when I felt abused and neglected. My parents used corporal punishment – even for the most minor problems – making me fear them. Instead of looking to my parents as loving role models, I felt like I was living under authoritarian rule, where their word was law, even if they were wrong.
Other times, I was psychologically abused. People bullied and teased me in school, taking advantage of me. This destroyed my self esteem and made me come to hate myself because others saw no value in me. Is it any surprise, then, when my anger and pain boils over into a violent rage? Everyone gets mad at me, why can’t I be mad back at them? Don’t I have a right as a human being to express my emotions?
When I cut myself or suggest suicide, I’m not doing it to seek attention or upset others: I am doing it as a cry for help because I know no other way of expressing my pain. It’s not my intention to appear narcissistic or selfish. To the contrary, I act like a desperate person because I AM desperate. I fear abandonment more than anything else, and abandonment is the result of someone else’s actions, not necessarily my own.
Putting an “evil” label on my head is not fair. I have suffered at the hands of others and am permanently damaged. My expressions of emotion – however appropriate or inappropriate they are – come from an abyss inside me that needs loving, validating attention from others. This is why I seek therapy and intimate relationships, even if I blow up at my psychiatrist or partner.
Just because a car has a bad motor doesn’t mean the car is necessarily responsible for evil acts. It just means that the car needs extraordinary patience, understanding, and expert repair.
If I were truly evil, I’d choose other ways of expressing my emotions instead of BPD. BPD is the condition of a lost, deeply hurt soul. It is NOT the condition of someone who seeks to hurt others.
Point or Counter-Point: What do you think?