I feel empty and worthless – I have no desire for life

Despite the fact my internet business had record website traffic and customer acquisition for the month of September, I’ve spent the majority of the past 2 weeks in bed, depressed and feeling miserable. Even worse, I’ve felt utterly empty, lacking any desire for life. I feel more content dreaming in bed, where my mind is free from the shackles of Borderline Personality Disorder. If there is a bright side to any of this, it’s that my sub-conscious doesn’t have BPD. Unfortunately for me, my “real time”, waking conscious is nothing but BPD, aching and painful to the touch.

Some people might ask, “What does it mean to feel empty and worthless?” After all, you run your own business, are in better economical shape than most, do what you want with your time, and have a couple good friendships. On top of that you alone have put together a substantial collection of rare and highly sought after USA paper money, enviable by most standards given the value of the collection is well into six figures.

My answer: feeling worthless and hollow emanates from a really deep place inside me, far past the material comfort and achievement layer that floats safely on the surface of my inner being. Making and saving a few bucks doesn’t do it for me. I wish it did, but it doesn’t. Instead, I am lonely, depressed, sad, and hopeless.

I’m 32, single, never married, and do not have children. By my age, most people are at minimum in a long term relationship; or at least have had a couple worthwhile long term relationships to date. I haven’t. My longest relationship was 5 months. All the others fizzled out after a month or two. Likewise, my attempts to meet people using services like eHarmony.com fail miserably: most women I am “matched” with don’t even reply to my emails. The women I’ve loved in my past look at me like paintings on a wall. They exist in an empty gallery that no one sees except for me. They are a constant reminder of what “could have been”.

Instead, these wonderful women have pressed forward with their lives, married, and have beautiful children. The singles scene is long gone for them. They don’t come home to an empty apartment. They haven’t disappointed their family by living adrift like I have. My mother famously said last Christmas, “…I’d like some grand children…”. One of my brothers is married with a step child. Another is most likely homosexual and has a good relationship with his partner outside the boundaries of my family; and the other most “normal” brother of mine has a great relationship with a woman he’ll most likely marry in short order. He’s got plenty of time: he’s six years my junior and doesn’t cope with any of the expectations and guilt that the rest of the family puts on me as a 32 year old bachelor.

Last year I adopted an abandoned kitten off the street. I love her MOST of the time, while there are moments I despise her presence and want to forget she exists. Fortunately for her, there is a modicum of decency within me that prevents me from such indifference; and demands that I provide adequate food, shelter, and health care for her. She would like to have more people or cats around. She gets occasional feline visitors but can only interact through a window. Sadly, because she was feral, I keep her indoors except for a fully enclosed patio space where her litter box resides. I suppose she is happy living in a state of ignorance. Wouldn’t a cat be happier with another to play with or a family to keep her busy?

The way my relationship with my cat fluctuates serves as a good barometer for how BPD sabotages my life. I love her. I hate her. I want her in my lap. I want to lock her in the closet. These feelings indicate BPD is alive and well inside me. If she were human, she would have left me months ago, hating me all the way out the door. This is why I’m afraid of getting into a relationship: If I meet “the one” I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with, will BPD make it all blow up in my face before I can put a ring on her finger?

I suppose this realization explains the empty and worthless feelings within me. If I can’t maintain the bare minimum of human existence – that being a loving relationship with another – what do I really have to live for? Surely there has to be more to my existence than feeling like shit all the time. Why do I have BPD? Why am I Type 1 Diabetic? Why can’t I just be happy, healthy, and satisfied with my life?

3 Replies to “I feel empty and worthless – I have no desire for life”

  1. Man, I am so sad reading this. It sucks to feel this way. Have you tried DBT…dialectical behavior therapy? It seems to work for many people who duffer from BPD. Also, Tammy Greene has helped many people through her site. Please check it out, it has helped me too. There are workshops, retreats, coaching, reading…a lot of help. You need to get yourself out of the BPD unbearable funk!!!

  2. Wow, that describes where I’m at for the last couple months. The details are not the same, but the feelings are a total match. Thank you.

  3. Thank you so much for posting this. It solved a big puzzle of my life, the very puzzle that brought me to this page.
    I’m not a BPD but two men in my life whom I loved are! The last one has hurt me so badly. Prior to meeting him I had a series of bad events in my life, starting with wrong diagnosis that has pushed me into a depression I was unaware of for a few years, then a surgery, and eventually death of a family member. So it seems like my depression at the time ‘interacted’ in a strange way with my love’s BPD. The way I behaved at times scares me a little. I would try to ‘fix’ things, to make the guy behave the right way, etc. (By the way I come from a perfectly normal and loving family, with no history of mental illness or depression.)

    My borderline would tell me he loves me, then the next day he would declare our relationship was not a ‘serious’ one, he would break up with me, then start kissing me, etc. I was blindly in love and wanted things to work out. My shrink who diagnosed me with depression while I was still dating this guy told me that he sounded like a BPD. It didn’t change my love for him. However, I failed at managing my behavior towards him. When I started dating him he just got separated from his wife and ended a long distance relationship. Over the period that we saw each other he was in love with a couple of other women too, that he dated while we were not together. That seemed strange to me, all that fountain of love and emotions. Can it be real? (For what I know he’s been in a steady relationship in the last year and a half.)

    Anyway, I’ve been puzzled by how is that possible that a person loves you one day, looks at you like a faithful little puppy, and then all of a sudden situation changes, and only until a new cycle of love, hate, paranoid fear I’d hurt him or his family occurs. I always regretted not being more sensitive towards his feelings and not making it work somehow, because despite of all I was really truly happy with him. I loved him deeply.

    So by sharing how you feel for your kitten, you explained my big love’s behavior and emotions. Thank you so much.

    If of any comfort to you, since you sound like somebody with a brilliant mind too, I am sure that many girls that ran away from you, still think about you, and maybe love you (like I still love my ex-BDP). It’s just not easy to understand a BDP, especially when you have no idea what you are dealing with. You feel abused, cheated, treated like s…, etc. Maybe it would be a good idea to kind of ‘inform’ your next girlfriend about the specific nature of your emotions. You are still very young and I am sure finding love will not be an issue, despite of the fear and low self-esteem you are experiencing.
    I wish they find a cure soon for whatever chemical process in the brain causes this tormenting illness :((

    Thank you and good luck

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