Are Borderline Males Unlovable?

Once in a while I do a search for “borderline personality males” using Google, just to see what comes up. BPD is mostly thought of as a condition that women develop. In fact, about 2/3’s of BPD patients in out-patient care are women. That makes borderline men a slightly rarer group, although recent research is pointing towards the existence of more borderline men simply because they were never diagnosed properly during initial mental health reviews. Further, BPD men tend to be more physically violent and confrontational, and this inevitably lands them in jail. Once incarcerated, their BPD is ignored as inmate behavior.

So after typing “borderline personality males” and hitting enter, this interesting page came up: “Borderline Males I’ve Known, and Almost Loved; Surviving the Crash after your Crush“, by Shari Schreiber, M.A. The author takes a lengthy and extremely stern look at past relationships with borderline men. Her article begins with some didactic prose about the cause of BPD and its narcissistic qualities. Then, it delves into the meatier matters of male BPD and how she perceives it in relationships. The following is a quote from her page:

Some of these males present as little boys, ambivalently in need of rescuing or care. Their vulnerability comes across in a way that has you seeing them as open and genuine–but watch out! Don’t believe the hardship stories they feed you, while asking for a “temporary” loan or place to sleep. This type of fellow is discussed (below) in; THE BOY WHO CRIED WAIF. Don’t think for a moment, this guy can’t screw up your life, just because he seems so pitiful. A ‘victim’ type Borderline will resent/harm anyone who tries to be his savior; you’re just kidding yourself, if you think that You’ll be the exception.

This passage pretty much sets the tone for the rest of her article: don’t trust BPD males, don’t love BPD males, don’t even waste your time with them. As a BPD male myself, I find Ms. Schreiber’s language a bit insulting. Additionally, if she is indeed right in her analysis, NO BPD males should have ANY sort of romantic relationship, simply because it will ruin the life of the female involved.

Taking a step back, I can honestly agree with some of the points she makes. I can’t argue the science of BPD, the way we act, or the way in which we approach love. I do, however, strongly disagree that we are unlovable. After wasting nearly a half hour trudging through Ms. Schreiber’s article, I almost thought male sociopaths or those in a permanent state of psychosis were somehow more deserving of love than BPD males. Ms. Schreiber continues:

If you’re a caregiver/codependent type and you think you can help this fellow heal, get out now. This guy had very disappointing and painful relationship experiences with Mother, and you’re not gonna change that for him. Besides, no man wants to fuck his mommy–and if he does, he’s way more screwed-up than you think he is. He left home to get away from her, and he’ll do it to you. A Borderline’s nature is paradoxical; the better you treat him, the faster he has to find fault with you, distance himself or push you away.

She leaps from rightfully defending a co-dependent personality to suggesting that BPD males look at sex through a quasi-incestuous lens. Not once since I’ve been diagnosed with BPD (after 11 years) have I ever considered having sex with a woman as a means to mend relations with my mother. She’s right that BPD males do have problems with their mother, but these are the fault of the mother, not necessarily the borderline male. Her bombastic and dramatic use of inaccurate language is a bit disturbing, to say the least.

Love is blind. When you’re with a Borderline, you’ll see only what you want to see about this guy–and you won’t begin to wake-up until he drops you on your head, and you’re drowning in so much pain and shame, you can barely breathe. Even then you won’t leave, because you’ll keep hoping for the good times to return–but beware! This male can turn your world upside-down and inside-out, to where you can hardly remember or recognize that woman you used to be, before he came along.

Love is definitely blind, everyone knows that. This axiom of human existence is part of the attraction process and affects everyone, whether they are mentally ill or not. To suggest, however, that a BPD male with good intentions is out to ruin his partner’s life is hyperbole at its worst. It takes two to tango. If you think your life is becoming unbalanced by your BPD partner – or any other type of partner – you should leave. To suggest that a BPD male is pining to destroy his partner’s existence and exploit her for sex or one sided companionship is a horribly pessimistic sentiment. Personally, I think it’s over-the-top and cruel.

One day I hope to have a mutually beneficial relationship with a woman, and when that happens, I will do everything in my power to make sure it works, not self destructs.

Your borderline lover is hypersensitive–to well, just about everything. This guy will have you feeling just horrible about hurting his feelings, even when you know you didn’t mean a thing by that silly, offhand comment you made about one of his relatives. He’ll sulk, become distant, or angrily bust your ovaries over some stupid little oversight, to where you’ve begun walking on eggshells around him, just to avert these agonizing occurrences! Molehills become mountains, and no matter how careful you are, you’re gonna step on a land mine–and there isn’t a darned thing you can do about it. It won’t be long, before the joyful parts of yourself (like your sense of humor) die off.

Ok, yes, BPD males are hypersensitive and temperamental: this much we know from the DSM-IV. Unfortunately for Ms. Schreiber, these statements somewhat contradict what she concluded earlier on in her diatribe about BPD men wanting to mend relations with their mothers. “Walking on eggshells” – yes; but “the joyful parts of yourself (like your sense of humor) die off” – that’s a bit much. Any woman that allows herself to be a doormat will get this sort of treatment, regardless of the mental health problems her partner has or does not have.

This man-child can’t tolerate any form of rejection. If you’re not in the mood to make love, he’s inclined to personalize your unwillingness to immediately fulfill his libidinal needs. He’ll guilt you for abandoning him, not caring about him or “being withholding”–even when it’s right after he’s been abusive, and you’re trying to recover emotionally and/or physically! This discord typically provokes his rage, which lands you right back into an abusive cycle. The BPD male has unresolved primal needs, due to lack of bonding with Mother during infancy; the only way he’s able to experience closeness, is through sex and touch. Grown adults have the ability to connect intimately in other domains of their relationships (spiritual, emotional, cerebral, etc.) but the infantile Borderline has difficulty with mature interplay, and may rely solely on sex as a means of connecting. You’ll feel objectified in this type of relationship.

Pardon me, Ms. Schreiber, I believe that as a thirty-something male, I fully realize that a female might withhold sex simply because she is tired, had stressful day, or wants to read a book instead. Do I feel rejected? Maybe, but I’m not inconsolable. This type of sexual banter goes both ways. Yes, even we men, the standard bearers of non-stop libido, are not interested in sex. Do we then conclude that a lover’s negative reaction is the result of severe childhood trauma? There are many reasons for the way people behave. BPD is certainly an explanation for many of them, but among those trying to improve themselves, it isn’t ALWAYS the case.

Passive aggression in the Borderline man, means that he usually fights like a girl. Rather than direct verbal expression about how he actually feels, he’ll throw cunty, bitchy, sarcastic comments your way. These are often muttered under his breath–but sometimes, they’re loudly hurled at you during a battle and it’s impossible to defend yourself. Either way, it’s dirty fighting.

I actually laughed reading this. Shreiber really can’t make up her mind about how her men should react to her. On one hand, we could have a physically violent, psychotic, masochist male, or on the other, a “cunty” male who makes sarcastic comments. I don’t really regard making “bitchy” remarks as “dirty fighting”. Pick one of the following: be at the receiving end of one of my insensitive remarks, or be at the receiving end of my fist? I even think Ms. Schreiber would know the better of these two.

As she concludes her article, she makes another point that actually is really more of a statement about a woman having problems, versus the male borderline that she’s met:

If you’re persistently drawn to narcissistic men, there were serious deficits in consistent, nourishing support and affection during your childhood (usually with Mother), that set you up for distressing, confusing relational dynamics in your adult life. Your abandonment issues aren’t about the father who left when you were an infant or small child, they’re about emotional deficiencies in the parent who raised you! This relationship template from your girlhood keeps you choosing the ‘Mr. Wrongs,’ until you’re ready to tackle some inner-healing work.

Now she’s bashing you, her kind reader, after umpteen paragraphs of pyscho-babble drivel. If YOU end up in relationships with BPD males, surely YOU have problems, too! It seems almost impossible to win with this lady! Who does she think she is?

My conclusion for any female in a relationship with a BPD male: keep your guard up, know your boundaries, and be honest. Honesty and true love will communicate your feelings to ANY partner, mentally ill or not. If they do not respect your honesty and committed emotions, than the relationship is over. It has nothing to do with wanting to screw one’s mother, selfish seductive conquests, or passive-aggressive behavior.

The catch?

If you read Ms. Schreiber’s “About Me” page, she offers a free first consultation over the phone, but does not do email therapy. Hint, hint, she’ll charge you for any further advice. This reminds me of one of those “Make a killing in Real Estate in 15 minutes” info-mercials at 3:00 AM in the morning. First she bullies you over with exaggeration and bullsh*t, then she offers a modicum of hope if you’re willing to hand over your checkbook.

Nice work Shari, I’m feeling great about my recovery as a BPD male thanks to you!

40 Replies to “Are Borderline Males Unlovable?”

  1. You should check out the facebook group called Borderline Personality Discussion for Men. The group is a closed group and you have to have approval to join. The group administrator is SHAUN RIEMAN. I am a BPD male like you and i think you would find the groups discussion of BPD with other males very informative. There are only 20 or so members so it is very private and intimate. Please consider joining this group.

  2. Correction to above message>

    The facebook group is called Borderline Personality DISORDER DIscussion for Men. Thanks, Gary

  3. Correction to above message>

    The facebook group is called Borderline Personality DISORDER DIscussion for Men. Thanks, Gary

  4. Correction to above message>

    The facebook group is called Borderline Personality DISORDER DIscussion for Men. Thanks, Gary

  5. Correction to above message>

    The facebook group is called Borderline Personality DISORDER DIscussion for Men. Thanks, Gary

  6. I was appalled when I read this. That lady obviously has had some bad relationships with men, in general. It’s neither helpful nor kind to use a mental disorder and the fact that people are out here searching for help and answers to make money by offering advice that is neither sensible, nor advice that one is qualified to give. Please be careful what you read and where you read it regarding these subjects. BPD is disheartening enough without some idiots who can’t even write without using profane and offensive language telling us what her “opinions” are on such a hurtful and at times life-threatening topic. I’m sorry that her article is out there, among others. Thanks for shedding some light into this dark, ignorant corner. As a female BPD sufferer, I wish you all nothing but peace, useful information, and a sincere love for yourselves. Thanks.

  7. Hi there,

    That woman really wrote an incredibly stupid article, but it actually reflects the view of some ex-lovers of people with BPS.
    I sometimes think many people who act like this try to blame their partners for their own lack of personal responsibility.

    I myself have this diagnosis, as has my husband, and we are happily married for 4 years now (something many psychologist would consider impossible)

    Anyway, I wish you all the best and maybe you should stop reading these stupid articles 😉 (done that, been there, it´s stuff for a laugh, but there´s no point in letting something like that annoy you)



  8. Although I agree that the article is harsh and not every BPD will show the same extreme reactions, after my relationship with a BPD male her article makes so much sense.
    She is so rigth in that we who feel attracted to this “lovely” guys have very often this narcissistic need of “helping” them because life has been so harsh. I’m sure that not everyone will agree, nor every case is the same, in my case, it has helped me alot, especially to figth this urgent need to go back to him to “help” him after all that pain, abuse and crazy making time he put me through (which she said, I did allow because of my own issues).

  9. I could also understand how you would be taken back by Shari’s article, however, I am going through a break up with BPD male who I love very much. There is maybe only one thing in Shari’s article that did not apply to my experience with my BPD partner. I’m sure she comes off harsh to those who have not lived the receiving side but literally, there IS NO ONE OR NO PIECE OF LITERATURE (after hundreds of hours of reading) that really details the unfathomable experience of loving a BPD male as accurately as she does. It is LIFE ALTERING, SOUL SHAKING AND SANITY BREAKING experience. You can never comprehend the distortions, games, lack of boundaries, splitting, hoovering and complete psychological manipulation that one experiences loving a BPD male (in MY experience). It’s like being upducted by aliens right in front of your family and friends and no one understands. Shari’s experience is my experience. I truly wish I could report differently because I desire nothing more than to have the man I fell in love with. They say having BPD is so painful but it pales in the carnage the non-bpd is left with.

  10. I have read this article, and it saved my life. Schreiber accurately describes my pwbpd male friend to a “T”. I know others bash her for accurately describing the bpd male, but I thank her. Without this article and her advise, my bpd male friend would have lead to me demise. Thank you, Ms. Schreiber.

    1. This and all of Schreiber’s articles are spot on. Yes, they are harsh, but they are intended for people recovering from these devastating toxic relationships, not those with BPD, which is clearly stated at the beginning of the article. Most (but not all) people with BPD lack the insight to truly understand how their actions affect others— they will be offended by this article.

      Shari Schreiber writes life saving and amazingly accurate stuff— don’t ask borderlines, ask their victims.

  11. Hi there-

    I just got out of a very short term but intense relationship. I believe he has a Casanova Complex. What seemed to be to good to be true was. He was so intense, but I realized that once I showed that I cared, it ws over. As I read online…The borderline male only wants what he can’t have. When he gets it…He does not want it anymore.

  12. Borderline males are scumbag peices of shit who should not be loved or even treated with kindness EVER. In fact they should all be locked up, or better yet, exterminated in some Hitleresque mass genocide project. Fuck you borderline man!

    1. I’m sorry you feel this way. Apparently you must have been involved with someone with BPD who wreaked havoc on your life. I don’t contest the fact that BPD is extremely troubling for people that have to tolerate it on a daily basis.

      Unfortunately mass genocide is not the answer. You’re probably not a perfect person either. We can’t imprison or execute individuals for their troubles or personality flaws. That would be a horribly unjust world to live in.

      I urge you to cool off, relax, and realize that developing BPD is something no one chooses. We can only choose whether or not to get help for it. If someone in your life refuses treatment, that’s a legitimate concern. Incarceration and slaughter are not realistic solutions. Society would actually solve many problems if it spent some time asking itself why mental illness develops in the first place.

  13. Its mean but its true. I dont feel like ill ever be the same, though i hope i will. For the first time in my life i am so heartbroken and hopeless that i think i might be borderline. Or maybe i was, or both of us were. If you go into anything with a borderline male and let ypurself be vulnerable, like people do in relationships, they will ruin ypu. You will become disgusting to them because you love them. Its ass backwards and painful as hell and thete is no fix. Dont be blinded by the optimism of new love, be cautious. Im sorry for those of you who find this article and perspective insulting, and of course you want to deny it, but if your honest with yourself and take the time i am positive that each one of you can think up at. le,ast one person who loved you in your past, that you thanked by putting their heart in a meatgrinder and “moved on” without a second thought. …

  14. @Mia:

    ” It is LIFE ALTERING, SOUL SHAKING AND SANITY BREAKING experience. You can never comprehend the distortions, games, lack of boundaries, splitting, hoovering and complete psychological manipulation that one experiences loving a BPD male ”

    YOU ARE SPOT ON. I couldn’t have said it any better.

    My story would blow your mind, but I will spare the lengthy details. In a nutshell, my bpd and I started 15 years ago. We were both married but worked in the same industry. Perfect setup for both of us. He couldn’t have me and I had my guard always up because I didn’t want to get caught. So, for a bpd male, this made him want me more, and for me, I thought it was the perfect love. To complicate things, we were friends first, ran with the same people, etc. I ended up moving 1 1/2 away and ended things. Fast forward 12 years….he’s divorced, I’m not, but I never stopped loving him. Still do. We started things back up 2 years ago, and it has been the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. Who takes someone on vacation, tells them they want to spend their life with you, and then once you return home, doesn’t even want to talk to you? And there have been numerous other examples just like this one. What has changed since the first time 12 years ago? I thought we had this perfect love, so I went into the relationship this time with my guard lowered. I’m skipping past A LOT, but the bottom line is that last time I had the power, and this time he has it…it’s all about who has the power with a bpd. That much I have figured out. And yes….all the while I’m married. Not happily, obviously…he has had his own share of affairs. It’s quite a joke, actually. But how I have managed to keep a poker face at home is nothing short of an academy performance.

    The one thing (among others) that Shari does say that is very true at least with my bpd, is that they search out long distance relationships or relationships that have no chance of moving forward. In looking at his past relationships (remember, we had a 12 year lapse between our time together), they have been like that.

    I would love to give more information…it truly would blow your mind.

    Right now, I’m trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what I’m going to do with what’s left of an empty marriage, and am actively searching for some professional help for myself. Yes, I know I need it.

    1. Hi Ann,

      Thanks for your comment and story. Shreiber’s message is helpful for women to get out of bad relationships. I am a male borderline but I do have empathy and would never want anyone to feel physically or emotionally abused, misled, or tricked.

      My problem with her articles are the offensive language and over-the-top claims she makes. BPD is complicated and nuanced.

      I wish you the best of luck moving forward and I’m sorry for your troubles with a BPD male. Most of us might not be lovable, but we’re trying to get better.

      1. It makes sad to read to read that any human being would conceive that they could be unlovable- be it a BPD or Non-BPD.

        I’ve been trying to educate myself on the subject after a brief relationship with a BPD male. I’ve spoken to therapists about it, as well as reading up on the subject online for a couple of weeks now and although I relate with a lot of the content from Ms. Schreiber’s article, I can’t deny that I was troubled by some aspects and even came to feel that it has a dangerous element to it.

        Although I cannot deny that the short time I spent with this person was indeed HELL and very much abusive, I don’t think that there isn’t hope for self aware BPDs. This particular person was unfortunately, utterly unaware and completely unable to reflect upon his inner motivations, hence his actions and much less what summed up to be desctructive tendencies; both to self and others

        But,I do believe that self-awareness and self work could help BDPs to find self-regulation methods and achieve the emotional maturity and integration that SOME are sorely lacking. Hence, so many enriching testimonies of both men and women that are grappling with this disorder and present a very valuable view of “the other side”.

        It’s been crucial and very beneficial, at least for me, to read about both experiences to the equation; testimonies of BPDs and Nons alike. And – dare I say- as heartbreaking as it is, to read the perspectives, struggles and pain of BDPs, I can’t deny by PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that in my case the only healthy thing to do was to terminate the relationship COMPLETELY with a strict NO CONTACT rule. It’s not even about loving the person or not. Or about them being lovable or unlovable but simply put, about loving myself enough to not have to TOLERATE the toxic dynamic.

        Having that said, and without treading into the redundand waters of over stating the difficulties of a realtionship with BPDs, I firmly believe that they are HUMAN BEINGS that HAVE a certain disorder. Not A DISORDER IN ITSELF thats happens to BE a person.

        The crucial line in all of this I guess (and probably extremely obvious to everyone) is whether or not the BPD has become aware that they’re behavior IS NOT NORMAL. And whether or not they have the strength, courage and personal commitment to work on it with specific therapy.

        The challenge I guess is that many BPDs can’t have this very realization about themselves and engange in healing.

  15. I don’t have borderline disorder but if a male had of written such a venomous article about a female disorder he would be labelled a misogynist.

    The writers own bitterness prevented her from maintaining balance and instead of promoting understanding for a very complex disorder, her bitterness only contributes to further discrimination for men with bpd.

    “hell has no fury like a woman scorned”….perhaps scorned women shouldn’t be writing articles that require an element of professionalism, empathy and balance.

    1. Thanks for your comment. I agree 100% with your take.

      She has a couple valid points but her rhetoric is repulsive. “Complex” is the right word for BPD. BPD can’t be put in a neat little box and labeled.

  16. Are Borderline Males unlovabe? the simple answer is absolutly no., they deserve love and they are loved. In fact they probably will have more loyalty and love in their lifetime than most of us would dream for.

    But Borderline males, and borderlines in general in my opinion are worse than sociopaths. Sociopaths fuck up your life and take from others, but then they are done. borderlines fuck up your life and then in one way or another demand your pity for doing so.

    I love it- haha they will dump you, abandon you outta fear, then say “Im not good enough” to reel you into the idea that you can make them see. But this is a carrot held in front of your head. they KEEP ON TAKING.

    Its like falling in love with a person who has been wearing a blindfold their whole life, who is telling everyone how hard it is being blind. You have sympathy for them, not because they are blind, but because they have lived so long thinking they were blind. But when faced with the intimacy they need to finally let go of the blindfold, they rage, or stonewall, or punish you.

    Love isnt magic. its not a movie. When it comes it doesnt instantly save you…but it is powerful in that it can give you the support you need to fix yourself – make your life different than it has been in the past, and let the victim mentality go… A BPD will get this love in their life but piss it away, take it for granted, and keep waiting for something that never comes, so they can stay stuck.

    In reality Love is always awesome in the beginning but at some point people in reality know that it becomes a choice. When you agree to progress to the next step, things get harder. like video games. People know they have to make more sacrifices and jump bigger hurdles. To grow up and evolve, because you love someone enough to do so.

  17. Are Borderline Males unlovabe? the simple answer is absolutly not.

    Borderlines deserve love and they are loved. In fact they probably will have more loyalty and love in their lifetime than most of us would dream for.

    But Borderline males, and borderlines in general in my opinion are worse than sociopaths. Sociopaths fuck up your life and take from others, but then they are done. borderlines fuck up your life and then in one way or another demand your pity for doing so.

    I love it- haha they will dump you, abandon you outta fear, then say “Im not good enough” to reel you into the idea that you can make them see. But this is a carrot held in front of your head. they KEEP ON TAKING.

    Its like falling in love with a person who has been wearing a blindfold their whole life, who is telling everyone how hard it is being blind. You have sympathy for them, not because they are blind, but because they have lived so long thinking they were blind. But when faced with the intimacy they need to finally let go of the blindfold, they rage, or stonewall, or punish you.

    Love isnt magic. When it comes it doesnt instantly save you…but it is powerful in that it can give you the support you need to fix yourself… A BPD will get this love in their life but piss it away, take it for granted, and keep others hoping for something that never comes.

    In reality Love is always awesome in the beginning but at some point people in reality know that it becomes a choicE it gets harder each level like video games People who love choose to grow up and evolve, because you love someone enough to do so. A BPD loves only those who let them believe what they always have so they never change. Borderlines, you need to stop turning the world upside down just because your upside down. Just figure out how to get right side up for fucks sake, by yourself, without using others to no end.

    I got news: EVERYONE is tempted to cheat, everyone has vices and impulses. people in reality fight these temptations however difficult, and if they mess up they try harder.

    We are supposed to believe that people can adjust to life being paraplegic, or that humans have figured out how to get to the moon…but that these people cannot resist their impulses. LOVE IS A CHOICE, IT is a responsibility to be the best you can be and offer the best you can to everyone you love.

    Shari Schreibers articles are harsh- but why shouldnt they be, you dont respond to loving treatment. ITS AN EFFORT TO WAKE YOU UP…nothing else helps, not forgiving you, not enabling you, and certainly not loving you. A BPD is completely lovable, and they can love, the only thing getting in the way is them.

    Loving a borderline male? Been there with everything i had to give, and blamed for it all.

    1. Thank you for your comment. You raise some good points and discuss the nuances of male Borderlines appropriately.

      I wrote a followup to this initial blog revising my position on Shari Schreiber’s articles: like you, I felt that they were valid as a wake up call for women in abusive relationships. If it saves them from emotional or physical harm, Scheiber’s words are well heeded.

      That said, her rhetoric is over the top and at times gratuitously sensational. I think she could get the same message across in less insulting fashion.

  18. Having BPD with high self control is hell on earth. I have never released my anger when I should have. I have exhausted myself faking to be in a good mood while being completely dysphoric about some minor transgression.

    I’m not a retard. I’ve realised most of my issues before I read it was a diagnosis.

    I swallowed so much anger, rejection feelings, hopelessness whatever emotions that I had to rationaly conclude were unfit for the situation.

    Do you know how hard it is to act normal while your emotions are completely the opposite? It is not just hard as in labour, it is further punishment. I self-loathe and punish myself for each faked kiss or each ‘I love you’ I didn’t really mean at the time. But I have to do these things because when I unleash my true emotions it comes out as emotional blackmail or passive aggression. I too easily and too often feel like that so I simply can’t expect a person to tolerate this. I have seen my wife being choked by this so I started faking more instead, distracting myself, trying anything to avoid these situations. And also forcing her to go out with her friends and spend more time with family and other people.

    The only thing I can hope for is that other people, close friends and family will be able to keep my wife the happy person she is. I do my best but I know that half of the time I’m fake. I still do my best. But even my best at often is not good enough.

    I have never lashed out at anyone. I can’t really express anger except at inanimate things. I never insult. I never called my wife or my exes a single bad word. I censor all my behavior actively. It is exhausting.

    1. This article strikes a fair balance, in my opinion, between describing the Borderline pathology and offering victims of it ways to get out or rethink their relationships.

      It isn’t as bellicose as Shari Schreiber’s work, which I personally find distasteful, disgusting, and unprofessional. Instead, it is no doubt helpful for someone on the short end of a relationship with a BPD guy.

      I would caution people against demonizing BPD men. Not every BPD guy is a train wreck. Some are getting better and would make good partners. Others need more time.

      Finally, it takes two to tango. Shari Schreiber and others would have us believe BPD guys are bagging women and holding them captive.

      If you find yourself falling in love with BPD men or women, you might have some of your own issues to work through.

      Finally, I do NOT endorse staying in an abusive relationship with someone who has a BPD diagnosis. Get out immediately and get counseling if necessary.

      Give everyone a chance before kicking them to the curb.

  19. As someone who’s been in a relationship with more than one BPD male, I can say that they can be abusive to various degrees if they are unaware of their condition and not seeking treatment.

    Of course, some are more abusive than others. I describe some of my experiences in my article here:

    It isn’t a matter of whether someone with BPD is lovable or not. Everyone is lovable. If a woman leaves a BPD man, it’s probably because he hurt her in some way. It could be from being unfaithful, to controlling her — to emotionally or physically abusing her. It just depends on his personality and the severity of the disease.

    If someone realizes they have BPD and works on it, they will become more self-aware and stop being so hurtful. If they want to hold on to a girl, they can talk honestly about their condition and really try to work on it. But that’s easier from some than others… and they have to want to change (which, like drug addiction or alcoholism some times means reaching some kind of rock bottom).

    While I think Schreiber has many good points about BPD males, it’s not a great article to read if you suffer from the disease. It’s like an drug addict walking into their spouse’s support group meeting. It hurts to hear how you may have hurt other people. While I recommend that article to codependents in abusive relationships with someone who exhibits borderline traits, i don’t think it’s helpful (or hopeful) for someone with BPD who is actively seeking help to read it.

    BPD, like any other mental/emotional disorder or addiction, is treatable. It’s not who you are; it’s how you act.

    If you no longer exhibit the behaviors of BPD sufferer, than you don’t have it anymore, in my opinion.

    Your character is defined by your actions. Period.

    Change them and change who you are.

  20. My husband was BPD, though I doubt he will ever get diagnosed. I’m thinking most people won’t even admit they might have this disorder so there never is a proper diagnosis. Living with him was insanely stressful, to put it lightly. He also put me through hell when I left him. He acted like a child and was very emotionally abusive. After him I started dating a guy who I think also might be BPD. I’ve ended the relationship. He made jealous comments for no reason, flips his moods in a second over things that aren’t a big deal, told me to F-off (NOBODY has ever talked to me this way and it’s unacceptable) and the list goes on. He’s becoming obsessive and it’s creeping me out. My ex-husband put me through a living HELL. He started posting bold-faced lies about me online, accused me of cheating (I wasn’t) and it was maddening. I am sympathetic to people who have this diagnosis, but I also have to take care of myself. No, I’m not perfect at all, and don’t expect anyone to be, but being subjected to tantrums and severe mood swings and insane jealousy is not something I’m willing to live with. I’m a grown woman, and these men make me feel like I’m dating a teenager or someone not even that old. I’m sorry to offend anyone who has this disorder, but just my limited experience is that it will drive you insane being with someone like this. I won’t ever do it again.

  21. Hello, I read the article and found it excellent with one caveat. Ms. Schreiber appears to be discussing untreated men with SEVERE BPD, not men with a number of traits who are working on their own healing.

  22. I’m going through a break up with my BPD fiancé. I have to agree with Mia- it is nothing short of soul-shattering. I adore my ex, but he is abusive. Yes, he’s sick and it’s not necessarily his fault that he’s abusive, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is. He also blames me for everything. He says it’s my fault that he’s so abusive to me because in his mind, I’m the one who is sick.

    About the comment on “withholding sex”- there was a time when I had a fever of 102.3 and was sick as a dog and did not have it in me physically to have sex. He asserted that I was a making a power play and that I should have just sucked it up to please him. He would also blame me when he couldn’t keep it up.

    He has told me that the world would be a better place if I wasn’t alive, that I’m a sociopath, that I cheated on him (I’ve never cheated on anyone), that I deserved to be raped when I was in college, and that he hopes that I’ll one day be raped again. He has called me an attention seeking whore because I have a LinkedIn page and used to have a FB page. I did everything he demanded of me, regardless of how ridiculous it was because I wanted to make him happy. Nothing was ever enough.

    So, of course men with BPD deserve love. But if they aren’t getting help and are living under the delusion that they are right and everyone else is wrong, it is impossible to be in a relationship with them. They will destroy you- not necessarily on purpose, but they will and then they will blame you for making them destroy you.

  23. Oh, Lauren, you could be telling my story.

    I broke up with my BPD boyfriend last fall. I don’t know if boyfriend is the right word. We were best friends for three years but the moment I started seeing him, we’d break up every few weeks or so because he wanted to pursue other women.

    I always knew when it would start because he’d send me numerous text messages and emails calling me a “sociopath” and accuse me of cheating on him. Then he’d threaten to stalk me and put me in a mental hospital.

    To this day, he still sends me nasty messages on social media and try to guilt trip me into taking him back. Once I even had the last women he left me to pursue call me to tell me about the abuse he was inflicting on her. This woman is half his age; I really feel sorry for her. All I can think of to do is to tell her that she is worthy of real love.

    Yes, everyone is worthy of real love. There are some people, though, that have to be loved at a distance.

  24. After my own devastating relationship with a bpd man im sorry but i have to agree with sharis article. First we were work friends. Then i finally left a very unsatisfying marraige of 28 years. For him, gave up so much,my choice. I knew he had his quirks but i thought it was from loosing his 39 yr old wife to cancer 8 years earlier. Well five years later, 2 and a half of that time living together all the while being told how im the one. Always doubting my gut. Winding up with the worst case of acid reflux..basically letting my former independent personality be brainwashed because i adored him…. Poking around because i felt him distancing himself from me. I found out way than i bargained for. While searching thru his phone….. Something i never did before i found all the emails and proof that he was not only working on a new relationship with a women but also had been meeting with men the whole time we were together to have sex. Men on craigslist no less. Well leaving and trying to warn the new friend was a waste of time!He is definitely borderline…. Dual personality, after much research and much heartbreak he still holds on to some of my property. He used his m.s. And his medications to lie about his lack if desire. He got around it perfectly. I the loyal loving women was in it for the long haul. Wasted five years, emotion and my self esteem. Never again. Let me say one thing though. He has lived to regret thinking i was naive…… Never ever confuse nice and stupid!!!!!

    1. Hello 1111, sorry for the troubles and violence you experienced. Any threat to your life and personal safety should NOT be taken lightly.

      Unfortunately, people with BPD will resort to this form of emotional terrorism. It’s ultimately up to them to understand it is problematic, scary and outright dangerous for their partners (and themselves). Quite simply, there’s no emotional fair play. The slightest misstep produces a dramatic rage, violent reaction or suicidal threat. Of course you want none of those to happen, so you acquiesce to keep the peace.

      This continues indefinitely, almost like a grooming process. Eventually you become used to it and accept it. The BPD engages in projective identification, displacing all his/her anger, sadness and despair onto you. You become a form of narcissistic supply, “feeding the beast”, so to speak.

      Your best option is to leave and get counseling. He might be lovable eventually, but it wouldn’t be in your best interests to wait around for him. It might be 10 or more years of therapy before he understands the havoc he wreaked.

      Borderline Males – more specifically treated borderline males – are eventually lovable, but the timing for their partners in the present is not worth the wait. He might be happy in several years. Don’t worry about him for now, take care of your own life first.

  25. I felt like I was on a Roller Coaster for ttwo years. Every time I wanted to end the relationship. I would get a message that read ” You have two mins to come outside or my gun is in my mouth, finger on the trigger!!!!!” He would also tell him if he dies it will be my fault and I’d have to live with it. I’d get messages telling me to jump off the bridge with no water and die you evil bitch DIE!! Because I wanted to walk away. These messages were through the day and when I finally responded and said “stay away from me” I get messages that read…”I loved you and miss you” dearly” back again to your no good for anyone I don’t know what to call you, maybe the devils right arm! It was awful just awful! As much as he put me through hell I feel worse for the pain he feels.

  26. I was married to a man with bpd for 11 years. He destroyed my self esteem, my hope and some of my best years. He treated me like a despised slave. Mentally and emotionally he was totally unavailable. To this day, when i have to spend time with him, i am deeply depressed for days afterwards. Warning to women: stay away. I have seen him “fall in love” instantly with women that he thinks are rich, only to despise them when they dont toe the line. He is incapable of bo ding or a mature relationship.

  27. BPD comorbids with other PD, sometimes more than one. BPD is also in a spectrum. This makes none pwBPD behaviors exactly the same as one another. I can relate to Shari’s opinions as well as admin’s. My 9 months relationship with a waif uxBPDbf taught me one thing : pwBPD does not talk in the same language as us Nons. We use logic, they use intense emotion. You won’t be able to reason with them.

  28. Ms. Schreiber’s writings may be melodramatic, but she has described the BPD male accurately. BPD males are, without exception, abusive and untreatable, and should never be dated, befriended or employed. Read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That for a more textbook description of the abuse that these subhuman males inflict on anyone and everyone on their lives.

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