All I Want to Do is Sleep…

It seems the pendulum that regulates mood and activity level is always swinging back and forth, sometimes to quite extreme lengths. Over the weekend, I fell into a depression and overall feeling of despair. I starting sleeping Friday night after getting bored of watching TV, slept all Saturday (getting up for the bathroom and food of course), and finally until 9:00 PM Sunday evening. No matter what I tried to do, I just couldn’t get myself out of bed, nor motivate myself to get out and move around. I tried going to my computer to do some work a couple times, but even then I became disheartened within minutes and found myself crawling back into bed.

Now, if I was old and tired, or in a psych ward for clinical depression, this behavior might be acceptable. The fact is, however, I’m a 31 year old male in the prime of my life, unmarried, and without many responsibilities, yet I’m spending the better part of the weekend in bed. I know this can’t be healthy. BPD and depression can really pull me down, and it seems to come out of nowhere, or sometimes after a series of disappointing events.

I’ve been trying to think what precipitated my sleep filled weekend, and I’ve come up with the following thoughts:

  1. Business Partner and I lost a potential job with a client who was stonewalling us on signing a contract. We were working for free and needed to take a stand. The client told us to take a hike. I think my partner and I were in the right asking for a contract after 2 months of providing free consultation and professional advice. Apparently this guy felt otherwise.
  2. Memories of unrequited love. I realize it may sound hopeless and desperate, but my mind still wanders back to women I’ve loved in my past who did not have those same feelings for me. I imagine myself being with them and somehow being extremely happy. All the same, in the here and now, I almost feel like I will never meet anyone worthwhile again, and will spend the rest of my life single and longing for opportunities that never materialized years ago.
  3. I’ve been suffering chronic constipation, and a few months ago I went to the doctor because I had enough. Since then I’ve been on a few different meds, each somewhat helpful but not quite doing the trick. As a result, the doctor recommended that I have a precautionary colonoscopy and endoscopy. Again, I’m only 31 years old and live a relatively healthy life style. I already have to cope with mental illness and Type 1 Diabetes, do I really want stomach problems too?
  4. When I get down I also tend to start thinking about dead people and pets that gave me comfort while they were alive. When I’m lying in bed completely depressed, I picture our old family dog lying at the foot of my bed, snoring away, keeping me company in my low moments. Although this is sometimes a soothing thought (since it can’t be taken away) I tend to feel overly sad that the pet is gone and will not come back.
  5. Am I Normal?…and similar thoughts. Having BPD makes me grasp at threads. I don’t know whether or not I’ll come out of it and live a normal life, or if I’ll be stricken with it for the rest of my life. My real fear is not what happens to me, but those around me. Suppose I get married and want to have children: do I really want to pass on a predisposition to mental illness (it runs strong in my family) and Type 1 Diabetes (The devil’s curse)???

Throw all this together and mix it with a heaping amount of self doubt and lack of confidence, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for sleeping. And that’s what I did, I just slept, preferring to live in dream world instead of the real world.

The funny thing about dream world is that while I’m there, it feels like reality. In essence, it becomes a place of escape instead of a brief visit during a normal night’s rest. My dreams are vivid, and I often talk in my sleep, move around frantically, and generally mess up my bed to the point that it looks like I was fending off a monster in my sleep.

From a global standpoint, the thoughts behind these sleep marathons are helplessness, hopelessness, and an inability to effect the sort of change I want in my life. I wonder why people I like don’t like me back. I wonder what makes their partner better than me. I also feel trapped by the obsession itself: for me, it seems to make more sense to carry on thinking that I could have had a wonderful life partner, instead of actually getting out and trying to find someone new who might really like me.

On the small scale, sleep makes sense because it is relatively harmless and does not indulge my addictive personality. Instead of drinking, smoking, doing drugs, gambling etc. I sleep to kill time, and usually the only side effect is a sore body and stiff legs. These results are much better than a weekend-long binge on alcohol or gambling, since I don’t end up penniless or horribly sick from side effects.

You’re probably thinking, “this guy is obviously addicted to sleep. He uses it as a crutch in down moments.” Well you’re absolutely correct. What else can I do when real life seems so intolerable, while dream world waits around the corner, only minutes after closing my eyes and laying down?

7 Replies to “All I Want to Do is Sleep…”

  1. I think it’s a great step in and of itself to make plans for the weekend. I have been feeling the same…ugh, don’t want to get out of bed ever feeling but stay strong and it’ll get better!

    -Lisa

  2. hey, i don’t know if this makes you feel any better but for the most part i think your an excellent writer and you’ve got me hooked on reading all your blogs. man your seriously depressed huh? well my moms depressed and all she does is sleep and take pills too in fact she’s on so many different medications right now she’s not even allowed to drive :/ Honestly, to tell the truth i was a bit depressed last year, and i really would have never gotten by without Jesus.Now i know for you being 30 years old and all you’ve probley already heard this story but for real He changed my life around.im only 15 now but i know for certain that Christ loves you and He wants the best for you. Look Matthew 7:7 says keep on asking and God will answer you if you believe in Him. do you believe in him? even if you dont you should at least give him a try, seriously what have you got to loose, after all he did die on the cross just to save You.

  3. When I get that depressed, I don’t sleep when I go to bed, I lie there and think. I end up crying. And then maybe sleep. And think some more.
    What’s recently helped me is the phrase, “When you’re depressed, do something you’re competent at.” Of course, when you’re depressed, you have no idea what you’re competent at. It could be something as stupidly simple as organizing your CD collection. Or doing a little house-cleaning on your computer. Or even reading blogs.
    I have type 2 diabetes, am on insulin, lost a kidney to cancer, lost a husband in a motorcycle accident, and suffered from BPD for the last 20 or so years – though it was misdiagnosed as depression. I’ll admit, I have no idea how I pick myself up and carry on. I have no friends, no physical support. So I feel your pain, my friend.

  4. Hi Borderline Girl,

    Thank you for your comment and words of advice. It sounds like you’ve been through hell and back, and you’re right: beating depression sometimes comes down to simply motivating oneself to get out of bed and do something, anything.

    Best wishes and stop by again!

  5. recently after much mourning and guilt over the death of a relative, I had super-somatic body pain that pretty much paralyzed me.. at that point only opiates could help

    anyway i managed to ‘escape’ the overwhelming physical pain by entering a semi-lucid state, kind of passed out on my bed and remembered all of my repressed memories.

    Past events that I did not recall since I was a child came to me effortlessly, and that had a incredibly positive moment, recalling past and bad events with no attachment, understanding and seeing how everything had occurred exactly as it was supposed to.

    I think this could be a future therapy for getting rid of traumatic experiences.

    Some might even have been imagined, but at that point I felt at peace and prepared to die. I think this is my only wish, peace and no more suffering after death.

    the funny thing is i was on no medication whatsoever.. i think thats what native americans used to do, feel the pain until they die or become a man.

    best wishes to all

  6. How are you feeling now mate? Better I hope!
    I’m currently writing this from the comfort of my bed. I stayed up the night before last in the hope that I would be so tired that I would get an early night and wake up refreshed and ready to find something to do with my day but it didn’t work out like that. It’s 3pm and I’m definately not awake by choice.
    I love my life but my life happens when I’m asleep.
    It hasn’t helped the fact the my boyfriend is boaring me to death about some computer fishing game in between bouts of telling me how lazy I am and how I’m an idiot.
    Relationships aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be. I should know, I’ve had alot of them. Mostly bad.

    Anyway, sorry haha. I just wanted to know if you where OK now.

    Rachel 23 UK

  7. Just a quick thought – try aloe juice for constipation – it is super good for you and has worked for me!!

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