One of the strange contradictions of my BPD is displaying intense anger at my parents (legitimate or not), and then running to them when I’m insecure because I have no one else to talk to.
I was thinking about a recent series of events when I became extremely scared and anxious, to the point that I was in tears. I was by myself in a different place and had no one to talk to. In reality I could have called friends or siblings, but I didn’t feel comfortable discussing my feelings and situation with them. At the time I felt it was highly sensitive and doubted whether or not my friends would be able to keep a secret and not bother me later on.
It was a business related problem, and since most of my friends are involved in my area of business, I just didn’t feel like I could talk to them in confidence.
So I called my parents at 12:00 AM in the morning completely beside myself.
I believe this is an example of the “I hate you, don’t leave me” dichotomy many sufferers with BPD have. We despise those who are closest to us – friends, family, or spouses – yet expect them to be supportive when we feel upset. In reality that type of relationship makes no sense: who would want to console someone who spent the previous months (even years) wreaking emotional havoc in their life?
What Needs to Happen to Me
1. Create my own support system, even though the thought of trying to create viable intimate relationships terrifies me. I have to put my social anxiety aside and learn to make friends. I need to trust people and also allow them to make mistakes even when they betray my trust. They’re human, too. There’s no such thing as a “perfect friend” or “perfect spouse”. Everyone has their weaknesses.
2. Avoid at all costs alienating those in my life who I do trust and need for support. The instant I feel like causing BPD trouble 🙂 and acting out, I need to remember that I might need them later on. That trade-off usually comes to mind with most “normal” people before they begin destroying a well established relationship. With BPD in the mix, I need to be twice as careful.
My parents and family won’t be around forever. Even though I’m better off than I was years ago, I still need people to fallback on in an emergency. I need to make new, trustworthy friends and perhaps meet a woman for a relationship. Most importantly, I have to remember that others are just as prone to emotional turmoil as I am. They might betray me or breach my confidence in a weak moment, and unless their acts were utterly despicable, I must learn how to forgive and move forward.
That’s hard with BPD and doesn’t come naturally.