Words like “infatuated”, “enamored”, even “obsessed” don’t begin to describe the level of love – or emotional commitment – people with BPD feel towards someone. That all sounds very impersonal so I’ll rephrase: If you have BPD and are in love with someone, chances are, your feelings of attraction are so strong that you can’t picture your life moving forward without this other person. So what do you do when you inevitably have to let go of this attraction?
In previous blogs, I’ve referenced a girl I liked in college that I still have a crush on. For the record, I finished college 10 years ago. “Wow”, you’re probably thinking, “after ten years it’s time to move on and find someone else”. That’s a fair criticism if I was “normal”. Unfortunately, I have BPD and these things just don’t go away that easily. Once we BPDs get our emotional talons stuck on someone else – or our fantasy about someone else – it is almost impossible to let go unless we are forcibly pushed away by an outright rejection or some other traumatic event.
I’m not married and have no girlfriend. This is probably why I hold onto my fantasies about this girl in college: it’s more comforting to live in la-la land when reality is painfully lonely. Even worse, I can’t forgive myself for not ever asking this girl out or pursuing a relationship all those years ago. To be honest I was a bit of a train wreck at the time, but would have definitely fared better had I been in a solid relationship with this wonderful woman.
Facebook is great for socializing. It’s also great for checking in on people we still like and wish we had another chance at. The particular girl I’m referring to is now happily married with beautiful children and a loving husband. They have their own home and are piecing together the building blocks of a new family. While I’m sure there are days when things suck and the thought of changing another baby diaper breeds contempt, life really looks good for her. I’m very happy that’s the case, because she is the type of person that deserves that kind of happiness.
In my adventures with eHarmony, one type of person I’ve frequently been matched to are social workers. I’ve never visited a social worker in my life because my BPD outbursts shot me right into the big leagues with psychiatrists. Still, social workers are important contributors to the well being of the people they treat. From eHarmony.com’s perspective their outgoing, people-centered personalities balance out against my reserved, introverted, somewhat narcissistic disposition (see I said it 🙂 ).
Well, as it turns out, my crush from college is a social worker. That throws a little salt in my emotional wound in an ironic way: at a point in my life when I thought my taste in women was underdeveloped and ill-informed I actually did pick one person with whom I’d be highly compatible with based on personality type. This second kick in the ass hurts more than the first in a “reality bites” sort of way. I knew in my gut she was right for me but nothing ever materialized. Wow, what an opportunity I blew!
Now it continues to haunt me in an obsessive way that sufferers of BPD know all too well. Seeing her smile melts me now just like it did back then. A loving embrace with her children makes me long for the joys of being a parent with the RIGHT partner, someone like her. Her beautiful, down-to-earth appearance is insatiable and mesmerizing. She’s the type of person that’s easy on the eyes after slipping into a puddle of mud, just getting out of bed, or getting pooped on by a flock of pigeons. Yeah – that amazing, and I won’t even begin to wax poetic about her happy, easy going personality: the type of person who doesn’t mind having cereal for dinner one night but also knows when it’s time to look good and go out on the town. Oh, and did I mention, she’s wicked smart, too?
See what I mean? This BPD sh*t is insidious. I suppose a “normal” guy would have dismissed this crush upon college graduation. Once you’ve got that magical diploma in hand, a world of possibilities presents itself before you. You can continue pursuing higher education, get your first job, or take time off and travel. Unfortunately, starting a relationship with someone still in school isn’t a great alternative, because just as you are looking forward to a bright future of your dreams, so are they and most of the time these visions don’t match.
On top of that, my current entrepreneurial activities promoting online gambling probably aren’t what she’d picture as ideal material for a potential husband. I don’t know what her husband does, but I’ll bet you ( 8) ) top dollar he IS NOT involved in any sort of vice activity. So in reality, even if we bumped into each other again – say five years ago at around the time she married – chances are it probably wouldn’t have happened.
For people with BPD, sometimes it’s easier to live life in “what was” opposed to “what is”. I’d probably be a sh*tty husband and a lousy, moody, irrational parent. Heck, my cat hates me most of the time and resorts to urinating on my clothes when my BPD flares up. Yeah, she gets that mad/hysterical. Maybe my cat has some issues, too. 🙂
How do I put this girl aside and move forward? I honestly don’t know. Every girl I’ll meet in the future will be compared to her plus other women I though might have been my soul mates. It will be a difficult screening process for sure. Those of us with BPD make it extremely difficult to land a good – but not perfect – partner because our expectations are sky high and we tack on comparisons to every other member of the opposite sex we adored in the past.
There is no moral of the story for today’s blog. I’m just stuck lamenting my crappy life, crappy decisions, and chronic illnesses that have ruined me and turned me into a fifth-class citizen worthy of no one with a good heart or physical beauty. I hate myself and my life and I loath the fact I have no life partner. Why must it be this way?