Instead of writing my usual lengthy entry, I thought I’d write a few “quick hits”, or points that I’ve thought about throughout my struggle with depression and BPD. Some are anecdotal and personal in nature, while others are global comments about BPD.
BorderlineBlog.com: BPD Quick Hits – 11/29/2009
- I always have music playing in my head. I used to think this meant I was to be a great musician, but that reality didn’t bare itself out. After studying music and through College, I learned that one needs to possess innate talent and an immense inner drive to be a successful artist. As someone with BPD, I notice my soundtrack is constantly playing, usually relative to my mood. If I’m lonely or heartsick, it’s love songs or slow music; if I’m excited it’s hard rock or techno; if I’m in a focused mood, it’s house. Needless to say, the constant stream of music in my head can be entertaining, but also doesn’t allow my mind to quiet down. It can be hard to sleep at night when music is running laps around your brain.
- I want what I can’t have (relationships). At 30, I feel like I’ve missed the boat at various points in my life with women who I thought would be the perfect girlfriend or even wife. In reality, these things didn’t work out for a variety of reasons: timing, they didn’t like me back, or different interests. Needles to say, for whatever reason, I still carry a torch for these BPD “crushes” I had, some going back 15 years to High School. Somehow I feel like not being good enough to be with these women has doomed me to a life of compromise and “settling” for whatever comes my way. I HATE the concept of “settling”. I would prefer to be with someone I really like. Sadly, (so far) most of my romantic feelings go unrequited. It hurts me in the present because I don’t try to move on and meet others.
- Perfectionist Tendencies. Nothing seems to be ever “good enough” or satisfactory. If I got a 91 on a quiz in College, I tell myself I should have gotten a 95. If I make $5,000 one month from work, I want $10,000 the next. If I’m cleaning my house and I leave a spec of dirt on the window, I drag myself back outside to carefully clean it off. It seems like I can’t be happy unless everything is perfect. How does one be happy when things are just “OK”, or “status quo”? For me, the status quo feels like an unacceptable condition.
- I hate the telephone. I didn’t get my first cel phone until 2007, mostly because I hate the telephone. I find it to be disruptive, noisy, and rude when I’m trying to work, relax, or sleep. So most times, I don’t even answer the phone because I don’t feel like being bothered. On the other hand, I’m a lonely person. If I want to connect with people, I should attempt to be in better touch with others, and that makes the phone a necessity. Ultimately, though, if I’m not in the mood to talk, or am doing something else in a given moment, I just let the phone ring until the person gives up. I tell myself, “If it’s important, they’ll leave a message I can hear later”. Hmmmm.
- Picking at my body or skin. This is partially a symptom of BPD: picking at acne, scabs, pulling on ears, obsessively cleaning ears, digging fingers and nails into one’s head, or prying at chancre sores is a low grade form of self mutilation. When I am especially stressed, I feel the need to pick at my head, which has resulted in a scar, flaky skin, and hair loss. I made it a point to stop this habit over a year ago. Now, in stead of digging my nails into my scalp, I just “rub” the skin instead. The scar has healed. Instead of this obsessive habit, now I obsessively clean and prod at my ears, which resulted in a painful outer ear infection last March. I also constantly pick and squeeze acne lesions. I know, this is totally gross, but for some reason, it sort of helps relief borderline personality stress. Unfortunately, however, these habits come with consequences, including infections, more acne, blemishes, etc. I’ve found it hard to create substitutes for low grade self mutilation.
- Harboring old grudges against people long out of my life. One mode of operation for BPD sufferers is to feel like victims of everything and everyone around them. To be sure, there have definitely been people in my life that have bullied me, teased me, or otherwise completely disrespected me. I HATE these people and always will. Call it BPD “polarized thinking” (people are viewed either all good or all bad), but I think of it as anger buried deep inside me that has never expressed itself in a healthy manner. Instead of going outside and splitting wood (… not that I do that anyway…), I like to daydream about finding bullies from my youth and beating them bloodied and to the point of disfigurement with a pipe or bat. Better yet, sometimes I even picture myself torturing the bully, and then blowing their brains out with a shot gun. For people with BPD, even the slightest taunts can gouge their way through one’s self esteem; and more importantly, sufferers of BPD carry these feelings for a VERY long time, if not for life.
- I have a Facebook account. A couple months ago, I posted my status as “Yes, I’m crazy”. A couple people responded with smiley faces or funny remarks. My Mom, however, who had just opened her own Facebook account, thought that I “shouldn’t write such things about myself”. My Mom has her own mental health issues and is a very brittle person. She gets embarrassed at the slightest gust of negativity directed towards herself or her family. I actually ignored her request, and just left it up. I think it’s a good thing that I can, on occasion, make fun of myself. Humor is good, right?
The Closer: WOW, I just finished watching Saturday Night Live with Gerard Butler and musical guest Shakira. The women in the audience screamed anytime Butler stepped on stage, and heck, they also screamed when Shakira was on stage.
I wish I could meet Shakira for just an hour and talk with her. Unlike so many Pop artists, she is very intelligent, sensual, and beautiful both inside and out. I actually don’t even feel lust towards her – it’s more like a feeling of “this woman, who is so free, liberated, brilliant, and beautiful, could be my soul mate”.
I know, ha ha ha. Wishful thinking. For me, though, as a borderline male, I daydream about ways to somehow get her attention in a good way. I’ve even visited her website to see if there were any “Meet Shakira for dinner” song writing contests. If there ever were, I swear I would dig up all my old music and sit at a piano for hours until I made the perfect song that might catch her ear. She is a rare human being and a rare talent; and more importantly a good role model.
You’re probably still laughing. Don’t worry, I know it’s a pipe dream, but for someone with BPD, the thought of connecting with someone so exquisite and seemingly perfect represents a reality free from the chains of depression and inner anguish: a reality where love is not brokered or bartered, but given and returned unconditionally. …Now do you get it?