This post is in someways a continuation of my note to L B, but in other ways general commentary on dreaming while asleep.
I had a vivid dream this morning: I was with Ms. B in a stereotypical romantic situation. The dream stopped when my alarm sounded, and I jumped up to turn it off.
Every time I have dreams about women I’ve met that revolve around romance, marriage, family, or sharing futures together, I often wonder why these thoughts pre-occupy my subconscious.
Is my subconscious my true self, that only surfaces when my mind is at ease while asleep? Is it an alter reality where the things I want/wanted to happen become real? Or is it mearly random thought combined with feelings of loneliness and heartache?
Having dreams with women who I know are essentially unattainable (married, with families, have a boyfriend etc.) makes me happy but annoyed at the same time. The feelings of dreamy intimacy and fruition of what I wanted my life to look like feels addictively good; but, when I wake up, I ask myself to return to reality and this realization hurts.
To some degree, I have to accept the fact that some things have a strong probability of NEVER happening. I try not to believe in the impossibile, but I am also a realist and know that the physics of life and emotion take us away from alter-realities we desire.
Part of me thinks that I dream about women from my past (particularly those who are now out of my life and in relationships or married) because it is a “safe” fantasy to have: On one side of the coin, I enjoy the thoughts and mental imagery immensely, but on the other, I realize that becoming stuck in these dreams prevents me from moving forward.
In other words, my emotional state is so awkward that I would prefer to think about women who are “safely out of reach” rather than put things on the line with someone totally new that I have yet to meet. I would rather, as I said in an another post, live in “la-la land” than project myself into my own present reality where there are potentially thousands of women to meet who may make me as happy, or happier, than my dreams about those women who are already spoken for.
It’s also important that I don’t get ahead of myself. Whenever I meet a girl I’d like to date, immediately my mind takes off at 100 mph and I’m planning dates 1,2,3. When I’m finally on dates 1,2,3 I’m planning out vacations and holiday time together, not to mention ways in which I can show love that is only appropriate in a relationship that has stood the test of time in years – not a couple months.
While this sort of day dreaming is the essence of attraction, it doesn’t ground me in reality.
If, for example, I meet a girl, and we have even a minute romantic interaction, the feelings I get become larger than life. The fact is, however, is that if you kiss a girl at a party, or even go out on 2 or 3 dates, she’s not necessarily going to be in your life forever. In reality, things might fall apart in 4 months, and a spontaneous kiss at a party might just be a spark and nothing more.
This is the reality my dreams hide from me: the reality that feelings of attraction and love may NOT work out for the best. Things might fall apart, feelings might get hurt, and other lovers, friends, or complete strangers can change the course of any relationship in an instant. This volatility, combined with the psychological bliss of falling in love is probably what makes it such a powerful emotion.
I’m not going to lie, sometimes I wish that I could meet L, or a number of other girls I have known, all over again the right way. And, I do wish sometimes that I would end up with a partner for life, perhaps even someone with whom I’d start a family.
But, reality must be remembered. If I distill the elements of my fantasy dreams down to their most simplest form, I think the ultimate emotion that is conveyed is HOPE: a sense that one day, even if she’s yet to cross my path, that I will fall in love and watch the sunset with a wonderful person who makes me happy and full.
…Keeping my fingers crossed…but also trying to make myself open, WILLING, and confident enough to risk love for the sake of love.