BPD, Boredom, and not feeling like there’s anything to do

I have days when I get bored very easily, but at the same time, don’t want to do anything besides take naps.

Typically these days occur on Friday through Sunday, when business slows for the weekend and the stock market is closed. Without these things cooking away and providing me with stimulus, I get down and very unproductive.

Today, Leap Year Friday, was one of these days. To try to stem off boredom and emptiness, I decided I was going to walk to the store and purchase a few groceries, instead of driving across town to the larger Walmart style supermarket. After completing my daily push-ups and sit-ups, which is always a mental struggle, I left my apartment and walked 10 minutes to the store, purchased my groceries, and walked 10 minutes back. I felt a little exercise might stimulate me.

I was coming off an emotional high from my stock market gains earlier in the week. Today, however, the price of my penny stock play decreased slightly, so my portfolio lost a little value. This is the nature of the market and I knew it was going to happen. All the same, I felt a little empty and lost without the positive feelings that come with good stock market days.

There are still other things: there are to-do items for the various businesses I have, errands that could be run, e-mails to write, but overall nothing really pressing. As a result, I revert into my daily internet “routine”.

Everyday, I check my websites’ rankings in Google via another website that has a listing of all the Google datacenters. Through my observations, I have noted that on average, Google tends to update its listings about once a day.

Accordingly, I find myself visiting this website and constantly refreshing the website’s pages so I can see if anything has changed in the Google results.

It’s 3:00 PM: I know I’m getting very bored and listless when I begin to obsessively refresh Google results every 20 to 30 seconds. It’s kind of like playing a slot machine: you repeat the action over and over again waiting for that one moment where you win and collect a payout.

After doing this behavior for about 45 minutes, I finally just gave up and returned to bed, keeping in mind the fact that it was 4:30 PM and I actually only got out of bed at 12:30 PM.

An hour and a half later, I wake up, and go back to my computer. This time, I load myself up on chocolate, in a vain attempt to give me a little lift and energy boost. Chocolate usually works, and gets the juices flowing. I pickup where I left off on my daily internet routine, and try doing some odds and ends online.

Soon enough, however, I am back refreshing Google results to see if websites’ rankings have improved. I begin to obsessively refresh the website every few seconds, feeling tired and bored with each click of the mouse.

At 7:30 PM, I feel completely empty, emotionally wasted, and blurry. I returned to bed and got up again at 8:30 PM, whereupon I started my typical nighttime routine of cooking, washing dishes, and watching the news.

I realize that every day is precious, and we only get one shot at life, etc. and all those other sappy cliches.

Sometimes, though, I just feel so down, vacant, and unstimulated that I lack any desire to try and improve myself, and just succumb to going to bed or overeating.

This feeling of emptiness is typical for BPD sufferers, and it completely has me in its grip every once in a while. The results are wasted days, down moods, and irritability.

There are 1 million and 1 different things I could do with my day after my internet routine finishes: I could go to the gym, walk around a mall, take a drive, or call a friend.

Instead, I just shut everything and everyone out and retire to my bedroom for a nap, hoping to wake up on the other end a little more interested in daily life.