Borderline Personality Blog: Healing – Coping – Improving

If you’re looking for a BPD guy that has ever stalked, followed, or obsessed over a girl you’re in the right place. I hate to admit it – because many blog readers are female – but I’ve been guilty of stalking behavior, usually unbeknownst to the women I followed. I also find the thought of voyeurism interesting and arousing, especially when it pertains to women I’m obsessing over. Before everyone vomits and calls the cops, let me offer a few reasons why BPD men might stalk and obsess. To be clear, these are not cop-outs for poor behavior. Instead, it is just the way in which BPD males think and justify their actions. No one really wants to stalk another person. It’s not a positive thing to do with one’s time. Sometimes, though, emotions and clouded thinking get in the way of better judgment and bring out the worst in otherwise decent people.

All stalking behavior emanates from some form of rejection. I’ll detail one that is particularly upsetting to men: sexual rejection.

Feeling Powerless Over One’s Sexual Desires

This sounds like something out of a Tony Robbins sex-esteem workshop 🙂 . That aside, I – and many other men – sometimes feel powerless over our own sexual desires. When I was in college, for example, I was surrounded by many beautiful girls. Of course, I wanted to start a relationship and have sex with them. Unfortunately, either because I lack the social skills, physical appearance, or confidence necessary to seduce ANY girl at will, these sexual desires turned into sexual frustrations.

Some men like me feel helpless to satisfy our own basic needs. We see a hot girl, want her, but can’t get her because we don’t measure up to her standards. What then do we do with these feelings? Do we say “Oh, heck” and forget about it? Or, do we bottle them up and obsess over the woman, somehow hoping that things will turnaround and go our way?

If you have BPD, chances are you bottle them up and get even more frustrated with each subsequent perceived rejection. Of course, this sounds all very narcissistic. Walking around thinking that you have the right to sleep with any girl you see is a selfish thought. At the same time, it can make many men feel desperate because they will never feel sexually gratified. Sexual rejection hurts as much as social rejection.

To use an example from recent times, think about the man that stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews. He followed her from hotel to hotel, using cameras and spy equipment hoping to catch her naked. Unfortunately for Andrews, he actually succeeded. Then, when this guy was caught and revealed to the rest of the world, it was clear to me, at least, why he did these disturbing acts.

He was a middle-aged insurance executive who wasn’t married, but did have a fiancee. To be blunt, I’m 100% positive his fiancee didn’t measure up to Andrews in terms of looks. He clearly felt hopeless because he knew he would never, EVER have a shot at sleeping with Andrews. His looks, lifestyle, personal connections, or social status precluded him from meeting her. Essentially, he was using extreme means to gratify his need to have some sort of sexual encounter with a very attractive woman, which part of him knew would almost never happen.

In some respects, this is why men enjoy pornography, strippers, and prostitutes: if they can’t get it for free, they will pay for the opportunity to ease their sexual tensions and feel like they seduced a “9” or “10” into bed. Andrews’ indirect rejection of this man – and countless millions of others who lust after her – made him do absolutely crazy things that ultimately ruined his life. He was later fined over $10,000, ordered to prison for 2.5 years, and given 3 years parole.

Men like this and those that have BPD can’t swallow rejection, especially sexual rejection. This turns normal guys into stalkers who will break the law, ignore common decency, and even risk losing everything they worked for in order to feel accepted and satisfied.

Have I ever felt sexually rejected? Absolutely. How did it make me feel? Hopeless and desperate. A part of me realized that I may be stuck with overweight, unhealthy, boring women because I didn’t have the ability to land a “10”. That realization is very damaging to the male ego, and probably produces many cases of infidelity in marriages. Remember, the guy isn’t “cheating” because he occasionally has lustful thoughts about another woman: it’s when he consummates these feelings by ordering a call girl, having an office fling, or hanging out at strip clubs that otherwise decent guys become adulterers.

All this means that BPD men have to find an emotional mechanism that lets them get past lust and into a more healthy, realistic state of mind. Sorry, 99% of the guys reading this post will never sleep with a hot bikini model because you don’t measure up to the 1% of guys that would be appealing to her.

I’m still at a loss for finding ways to get past sexual frustrations aside from stalking, following, or obsessing over women. I want to feel powerful in a powerless situation. Attraction happens at all levels, but can become a pathetic plight of selfish, sometimes illegal, behavior when allowed to take over one’s mind.


35 Responses to “Why Borderline Personality Men Stalk, Follow, or Obsess over Some Women”

  1. Guest on April 6th, 2011 6:14 pm

    All men obsess, stalk, rape, and/or follow women because it is required that men be aggressive and chase women away, especially if the woman is cheating with another man and that she doesn’t want to commit to him.

  2. Jade on October 17th, 2011 9:50 pm

    How about channeling those feelings of frustration into an effort to improve yourself? Start a regular workout plan, enroll in classes to advance your career, read and learn new things to improve your mind.

    Also, how about realizing that women are people too instead of seeing us as status symbols, sex objects, or numbers on a ratings scale? How about basing your self esteem on something other than landing a “9” or a “10”?

    Be an interesting, well-rounded person who wants to contribute something to make the world better in this life. Think about what you can offer to and do for others, instead of just focusing on what you want. Real happiness comes from finding and working to advance a worthy cause, not from self-gratification.

    Adopting this sort of attitude will make you much happier, and vastly more attractive to women.

    If you want different results, you have to do different and change yourself.

    Guys with an attitude of selfish entitlement, who see us as targets instead of people and only think about what they can get from us, are a major turn-off.

  3. WHAT! on October 30th, 2011 11:35 am

    This is the fucking worst thing I have ever read, including the first follow-up comment.

  4. Anonymous on December 17th, 2011 1:33 pm


  5. Amanda on January 2nd, 2012 7:43 pm

    As you can probably guess, the name that I put is not my real name. I was actually online searching for reasons why a guy in his 40s (much older than me) who I used to be friendly with decided to follow me wherever I went and come by my house. A few of my close friends have given me some reasons but nothing close to what your page has to offer. I know many will probably disagree with me, but I am grateful you wrote this because it helped me figure out my dilemma. It now makes sense to me why this guy decided to stalk me: He is old, unattractive, I gave him the time of day but he knew he would never be able to be with me so he wanted to “have power in a powerless situation”. So thanks, your article has been of great help to me.

  6. Jake on September 23rd, 2012 2:28 pm

    @Jade-Any woman is a slut if she sees a man as a sex object and a target.

  7. chas on April 18th, 2013 11:52 am

    being shallow wont help the situation either,women feel rejection as easily as men.

  8. Stalkee on June 13th, 2013 11:07 am

    Hey. Let me comment. I had a man follow me for a year or two and in reality, all he did was hurt ME. He made ME feel rejected, stupid and unwanted, like I was just some silly game to him. I never understood his motive. All I know is he didn’t care about me after a one night stand. He never Called even though I pursued him multiple times at drunk parties. So after the one night stand I was done. he needed to pursue me. Instead, he never called, never asked me on a date, never delivered flowers. He just followed me around and ran off when I wanted to actually STOP and talk to him. Right. His selfish actions HURT ME. I now understand his motives and really I thank you for this blog. I just needed to understand it really.

  9. Stalkee on June 13th, 2013 11:10 am

    I wanted to feel powerful in his sitation that made me helpless. SO I STARTED following him back, just to “show him how it felt!” HA! He had rejected ME by never calling, remember?

    he also had a girlfriend, I found out, and I was very hurt that he didn’t care to date me, and instead made HER his girlfriend while following me around but never actually dating/sleeping with me.

    So the problem is, the borderline thing could all be in your head. You are not rejected. You just aren’t trying. You are not PURSUING the way women respond to or WANT TO BE PURSUED by you. Does this help?

  10. Stalkee on June 13th, 2013 11:13 am

    The whole thing was fucking crazy! We should have just gotten our kicks out of each other, dated, done the deed a million times that summer, then moved on, got rejected by each other and got over it, whatever, etc.

  11. Joe on October 29th, 2013 11:45 pm

    just because you fancy somebody does not mean you can not back off and move on

  12. Sherise on July 16th, 2014 12:09 pm

    Stalking is wrong….no matter what. Jade made the most intelligent comment, Jake the most idiotic and reactionary. Women arent objects, we are human beings. Seems only unattractive men have a right to expect every “hot” female to jump into bed for no good reason except no strings attached sex. Hey, you said you yourself, are unattractive!! So look in a mirror before passing judgment on whether this woman or that is a 9 or a 10! Are YOU? And why is that the only criteria for being with a woman? SO shallow, self-centered, immature, and HYPOCRITICAL. Get a life! Realize that women arent here to cater to men, nor vice-versa. I feel sorry for Erin, and for that loser’s fiancee….not HIM. He doesnt deserve that lady’s love. Women arent targets, we arent props for a man’s ego, we are people. Jesus! No wonder guys like that are unattractive…nothing to do with looks, its the entitled narcissistic mentality that is a turn-off, as Jade states….along with creepy and dangerous.

  13. admin on July 16th, 2014 3:44 pm

    Hi Sherise,

    Thanks for your comment.

    My blog was an attempt to explain a potential psychological motivation behind the behavior. I in no way, shape, or form condone it.

    You are correct, women are not objects for men’s selfish desires. If a woman isn’t interested, that’s it, the guy must move on or figure out if his behavior towards women precludes him from having an authentic relationship.

    Stalking is indeed dangerous behavior, and it should not be treated as a bad emotional reaction from a jilted lover. Stalking requires some degree of premeditation, planning, and execution. Therefore, it is a step way beyond feeling rejected: it is feeling rejected, then wanting to get even. THAT is the problematic thinking.

  14. Robyn on February 14th, 2015 3:18 am

    Hi all
    Seems to me just another example of men using excuses to act like creeps.
    Society even gives men the reason to do so, and then goes easy on them when they do.
    All that baloney about their sex drives being higher and harder to control than a woman’s? Codswallop!!
    That’s just another lie a Man thought up to tell other men, AND women, and now down the ages you all believe the lie so much your excusing yourselves for it.
    You CAN control your sex drive, you can channel the energy into other things, sports, exercise, hobbies, interests, and here’s a whopper, PHYSICAL WORK!!
    By the time you finish exhausting yourselves, like worrying about stuff other than yourselves, you will be too tired to even think about how much sex you do or don’t get every minute of the day.

  15. Tiffany Renata-Roberts on April 16th, 2015 12:17 am

    I just think its funny how pio te rei is the first face i see on this blog

  16. Tiffany Renata-Roberts on April 16th, 2015 12:27 am

    On a more serious note, I have had very extreme stalking situations and not just by men, it was women too.
    My ex ex invited that bullshit into my life and I still came out on top. You can’t be me, you can’t have me. The end.

  17. what a croc on July 1st, 2015 4:05 am

    This blog is the biggest crock of shit I have ever read. Feeling that you cant sleep with a bikini model (boo hoo) has nothing to do with borderline. I can guarrantee you the stalker you mentioned was also harrassing his fiance, accussing her of having affairs and striping away all sense of self esteem she had left so he could stalk with out question. ( i hate you dont leave me !! ).

    If your so hung up and sleeping with a 9 or 10 I suggest you talk about it with your therapist and do some growing up. This is the type of crap I expect to hear from sexually immature people, that have given themselves an excuse to cover for their lack of maturity

    Girls, they arent stalking you because your unattainable ( sorry to burst the ego bubble) They are stalking you because they have mental health issues and by trying to make you feel proud of being stalked through a little ego boost is just another tactic of manipulation from the BPD.

  18. Alice de Wonderland on July 12th, 2015 2:49 pm

    I fully agree with you Croc,pure logic without emotional mist it helps one to see and extract the motive behind.
    If stalker wanted to ask you girls out it would have, the more likely outcome is that he/she doesn’t Want to, as however would you remaxin a part of their fantasy of loving being ignored and yet take such a pleasure in being rejected at the same time.
    Your existence is nothing personal to stalker,To him is all about self-reflection and you are just court in his (perverse) fantasy. While ‘punishing’ you for rejecting him, his reward is in his masochistic pleasure, while on surface he massages your fragile ego so that he can have a green light for more.
    Find out what motivets him and burst his bubble. So long as you don’t get involved with him/her, you are always on top;be it by teasing his fantasy or letting him go.

    Consider yourselves lucky to be without and just imagine what would your life be like in relationship with someone so screwed up.being hated and constantly violated by demands of a memtaly ill who by definition can’t love.

  19. Matt on September 19th, 2015 2:42 pm

    And borderline women are victims and you need to tolerate the abuse because acceptance is key.

  20. Tiffany Renata-Roberts on November 5th, 2015 2:02 pm

    Thanks so much for your infinite wisdom croc and alice. It seems to me that a ‘wallflower life’ is the way to go but the life of a stalkee just isn’t like that because we know. Knowing the difference between obsession,hatred,sickness and love is also not very difficult for most of us too. I think it’s a matter of broadening your insight to this issue is more important than your current attitude is towards what we are going through. We didn’t invite this disgusting behaviour (obsessive stalking) into our lives, but here ee are.

  21. Tiffany Renata-Roberts on November 5th, 2015 2:05 pm

    #here we are 🙂

  22. Anonymous on November 18th, 2015 2:33 pm

    Tiffany, you have my deepest sympathy, be gentle to your heart and don’t abuse it. And than, he want border you any more.
    Someone once said:”We accept the love we think we deserve.”

  23. Annonymous on January 5th, 2016 12:22 pm

    A few things really strike me
    Maybe this isn’t the thing you feel is important about your personal attractiveness and of course don’t lnow you
    But you are apparently not lacking in enough intelligence .
    Maybe a sense of balance with your attributes as working on your physical appearance and valueing other strengths .
    It seems like your attracted to impress others rather than thinking what can be healthy for you. Nothing wrong with wanting to feel an attraction. Is it only looks ? Do you want anything more than superficial?

  24. admin on January 5th, 2016 4:08 pm


    Thanks for your comment. This post was a hypothesis for why *some* men stalk: sexual rejection. I realize it sounds very superficial, as if sexual attraction is all that matters. Imagine two people are ideal mates, EXCEPT one doesn’t find the other arousing (maybe he/she is overweight, wrong hair color, too tall/short, etc)

    I say that because stalking – in absence of having (or previously having) a relationship – is purely superficial. The stalker is stalking an idea of someone, not the reality of who they are. Yes, they might be pretty or handsome. However, the stalker doesn’t know them beyond that, and instead focuses merely on the failed physical attraction.

    The stalker has no understanding of boundaries and appropriate behavior. You’re right, they lack a balance in their life. I liked this sentence:

    “Maybe a sense of balance with your attributes as working on your physical appearance and valueing other strengths .”

    At this point in my life, my physical appearance can be no better: I’ve lost weight, been in the gym for 2 years, and keep a short haircut. Maybe I could dress better 🙂 and act more confident.

    Your point about valuing other strengths is important. There is certainly more to getting and keeping a relationship than looks (although people overly focus on it). Intelligence, character, dependability, empathy, insight, unique interests, etc all make relationships worthwhile in the long run.

    A physical attraction alone is usual short lived, barring some other spark.

    I wrote that post many years ago. Then, it was a reflection on myself when I was much younger. Now, the “sexual rejection” idea is just that: an idea. I don’t think it holds water, if only to further discussion about this unhealthy mindset some people develop.

  25. Anonymous on January 29th, 2016 1:00 pm

    Reading your comments it pose a question to me; is it sexual rejection more arosing to you then a supposed accomplishment of having sex with the person you chase and if not would you lose interest in that object of desire once you attained it? Do you feel that if you do sleep with her that your expectations of her should be dissapointing or that you can not live up to it, such as different styles in life, mind sets, class etc and therefor imagination is far better as it doesn’t offer dissapointmems, is manageable and certainly last as long as you wish it to be? Pls unlighted me… I have a stalker who seems to chose any opportunity to hurt me ( stalking me lately with his wife occasionally) while other times he behaviours he is deeply emotional, border line in love with me, which only leaves me angry and confused. Since ignorance seems to turn him on, I have adapted new approach of indifference which will hopefully make him lose an interest in me
    There is an element of fear in it, the longevity and the intrusion, the unpredictability that is wors then the stalking itsself, hence where my anger comes from.

  26. admin on January 29th, 2016 4:33 pm


    “Sexual Rejection” means one person doesn’t find the other attractive. My original thesis was simplistic: beautiful looking people date other beautiful looking people. It’s less common to see a model date a plain, overweight guy. Cynically, she might only do it if he has money. But that isn’t a real attraction. I’m talking about being truly excited by another human being, not liking them for material purposes. This is somewhat ironic if I’m talking about appearances, but I grant that.

    In retrospect, I probably should have called it something different than “sexual rejection”.

    Your first question is brilliant. I don’t think the rejection would be more arousing than the realization of the ultimate desire. I think the goal is to be with other person, regardless. Being rejected early because you simply “don’t have the body” or “bad skin” or are “ugly” is painful. It makes people feel powerless and unworthy.

    It means no matter how smart, cool or talented you are, your attractions are limited by physical appearance. Beyond getting into great shape, coloring gray hair, and getting plastic surgery for minor flaws, not much can be done about this.

    Stalking is a way of regaining control of the uncontrollable. It is an incorrect reaction to reality. So yes, imagination is much better. Beauty gets the beast. But I honestly don’t think it would be over if she actually felt the same about me. I would be happy it worked out!

    Let me be clear: Your stalker is playing a dangerous game. He is not only hurting you, but has recruited his wife to help. That level of obsession goes beyond my adolescent fantasy. Please be careful. Call the police and get a protection order. Your anger is understandable given the level of his perversion.

    My post was an attempt to explain why average looking men might stalk after a beautiful woman turns them down. They can regain control by violating the bounds of acceptable behavior. They go from reality into unhealthy fantasy. I’ve never gone to illegal or dangerous extremes like your stalker. It was something I internalized, bothered me and needed to change with deep thought, therapy and acceptance.

  27. Sunny on June 3rd, 2016 2:33 am

    Croc – I love your reply. I have been told my current partner stalked three exs that I know of and harrassed a few young women in his last job. I have been with him for 10 months and I’m starting to think he has mental health issues. I love him and I just don’t know what to do 🙁 he took a ‘fake’ overdose after one failed relationship. He cheated on his girlfriend so what did he expect? He has cheated on many exs but assures me I am the love of his life, he’s changed and wouldn’t ever cheat on me cos I’m the best! Help!! X

  28. admin on June 3rd, 2016 6:31 am

    Hi Sunny,

    Please be keep your guard up. Encourage your boyfriend to seek treatment if he gets out of control.

    If his history of mistreating women and erratic behavior is well established, it’s not likely you’ll be the first he treats right; especially without him getting treatment first.

    I realize that’s very pessimistic. However caution is warranted. Don’t ignore warning signs. Of course, if you feel comfortable AND he is improving, give credit where it is due.

    If things really deteriorate and get ugly, get a protection order (or restraining order) depending on your location. It’s wonderful to care for someone, as long as you are being loved, honored and respected also.

  29. Sunny on June 3rd, 2016 10:32 am

    Thanks for your reply. I care for him but he doesn’t seem to think he has a problem. When I’m upset he says he thinks I am depressed and need help! He thinks that all of his behaviour is okay. He has loads of female friends and always wants to keep exs as friends. He thinks its okay to have lunch with them and flirt and tells me I’m insecure! His ex said he should stop if he’s serious about me but he refuses. Tells me I’m the love of his life then initiates drama until me and a female friend of his fall out. Him and his mate laugh saying I wonder if they’ll have a bitch fight over you! He’s 56!!! I must be the crazy one to stay with him! X

  30. anon on June 18th, 2016 9:55 am

    “I’m 100% positive his fiancee didn’t measure up to Andrews in terms of looks.”

    when you don’t know how someone looks, it speaks volumes about your personality
    don’t try to assuage your guilt with this post.
    you only care about the physical dimension of existence, you need to learn to look past the physical plane of existence.

  31. admin on June 18th, 2016 10:25 am

    Yes, it was a very superficial assessment. I was taking a shortcut to making a larger point about this woman’s stalker: perhaps he was more obsessed with looks.

    I disagree regarding my guilt. In fact this post was cathartic and DID assuage guilt. It led me to a better place, because writing out speculation about another’s predatory behavior made me question my own thinking. For the record, I neither condone nor excuse this man’s terrible behavior.

    I think “the physical” is a component of existence. I do appreciate more behind the physical. For the purposes of this article, the physical was all I could focus on. Discussing anything else would have been inefficient, since I did not believe this man’s obsession was anything more than physical.

    This post was written years ago, I leave it up for reflection and occasional comments. Thank you for your thoughts, they are appreciated.

  32. A Victim on July 1st, 2016 4:58 pm

    I guess you don’t care how the victims feel. It’s the absolute
    worst feeling in the world to be stalked by a mentally ill person.
    I’m married with a family, but he does not care.. It’s sickening!

  33. admin on July 1st, 2016 6:08 pm

    Hi, I absolutely care about the victims.

    I wrote this to explain devious behavior. It doesn’t excuse it or rationalize it. Writing this entry was cathartic and helped me think about why a BPD person, like me many years ago, might do it.

    I’m very sorry this is happening to you. I urge you to get a protective order against your stalker. Tell law enforcement and trustworthy friends and neighbors whats going on. If time permits, speak to someone about managing the stress and taking care of your family.

    It’s not your fault, I hope we’re clear about that. Please be safe, eventually this person will go away. Do not give them the time of day.

  34. lois on September 7th, 2016 9:28 am

    I was trying to figure out a psychotic woman who stalked me for close to a year and have concluded she is a borderline. I am a woman and the stalker is a sexually confused loser — as in divorced, working in minimum wage jobs despite holding a Masters degree, no energy, no personality, no life, no friend….I befriended her only to quickly ascertain how insane she was. Once I figure it out, I ended the friendship, leading to months of stalking, spying, boundary violations until law enforcement intervened. I suspect she is a lesbian as well — rejected by men and with many gay friends — she tried to forge a relationship with me, a heterosexual woman and got coldly rejected. I suspect the dynamics are similar — rejected borderline, whether male or female, is inclined to stalk.

  35. admin on September 7th, 2016 9:47 am

    Dear Lois,

    Thanks for your comment. I think you’re right. BPDs tend do this, with varying degrees of socially acceptable behavior. Some won’t physically stalk, but will constantly ask mutual acquaintances about your life. Others will follow you on social media, if applicable. It’s absolutely a boundary and control issue. Usually it subsides with time. Be careful and keep your guard up.

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