Borderline Personality Blog: Healing – Coping – Improving

If you’re looking for a BPD guy that has ever stalked, followed, or obsessed over a girl you’re in the right place. I hate to admit it – because many blog readers are female – but I’ve been guilty of stalking behavior, usually unbeknownst to the women I followed. I also find the thought of voyeurism interesting and arousing, especially when it pertains to women I’m obsessing over. Before everyone vomits and calls the cops, let me offer a few reasons why BPD men might stalk and obsess. To be clear, these are not cop-outs for poor behavior. Instead, it is just the way in which BPD males think and justify their actions. No one really wants to stalk another person. It’s not a positive thing to do with one’s time. Sometimes, though, emotions and clouded thinking get in the way of better judgment and bring out the worst in otherwise decent people.

All stalking behavior emanates from some form of rejection. I’ll detail one that is particularly upsetting to men: sexual rejection.

Feeling Powerless Over One’s Sexual Desires

This sounds like something out of a Tony Robbins sex-esteem workshop :) . That aside, I – and many other men – sometimes feel powerless over our own sexual desires. When I was in college, for example, I was surrounded by many beautiful girls. Of course, I wanted to start a relationship and have sex with them. Unfortunately, either because I lack the social skills, physical appearance, or confidence necessary to seduce ANY girl at will, these sexual desires turned into sexual frustrations.

Some men like me feel helpless to satisfy our own basic needs. We see a hot girl, want her, but can’t get her because we don’t measure up to her standards. What then do we do with these feelings? Do we say “Oh, heck” and forget about it? Or, do we bottle them up and obsess over the woman, somehow hoping that things will turnaround and go our way?

If you have BPD, chances are you bottle them up and get even more frustrated with each subsequent perceived rejection. Of course, this sounds all very narcissistic. Walking around thinking that you have the right to sleep with any girl you see is a selfish thought. At the same time, it can make many men feel desperate because they will never feel sexually gratified. Sexual rejection hurts as much as social rejection.

To use an example from recent times, think about the man that stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews. He followed her from hotel to hotel, using cameras and spy equipment hoping to catch her naked. Unfortunately for Andrews, he actually succeeded. Then, when this guy was caught and revealed to the rest of the world, it was clear to me, at least, why he did these disturbing acts.

He was a middle-aged insurance executive who wasn’t married, but did have a fiancee. To be blunt, I’m 100% positive his fiancee didn’t measure up to Andrews in terms of looks. He clearly felt hopeless because he knew he would never, EVER have a shot at sleeping with Andrews. His looks, lifestyle, personal connections, or social status precluded him from meeting her. Essentially, he was using extreme means to gratify his need to have some sort of sexual encounter with a very attractive woman, which part of him knew would almost never happen.

In some respects, this is why men enjoy pornography, strippers, and prostitutes: if they can’t get it for free, they will pay for the opportunity to ease their sexual tensions and feel like they seduced a “9” or “10” into bed. Andrews’ indirect rejection of this man – and countless millions of others who lust after her – made him do absolutely crazy things that ultimately ruined his life. He was later fined over $10,000, ordered to prison for 2.5 years, and given 3 years parole.

Men like this and those that have BPD can’t swallow rejection, especially sexual rejection. This turns normal guys into stalkers who will break the law, ignore common decency, and even risk losing everything they worked for in order to feel accepted and satisfied.

Have I ever felt sexually rejected? Absolutely. How did it make me feel? Hopeless and desperate. A part of me realized that I may be stuck with overweight, unhealthy, boring women because I didn’t have the ability to land a “10”. That realization is very damaging to the male ego, and probably produces many cases of infidelity in marriages. Remember, the guy isn’t “cheating” because he occasionally has lustful thoughts about another woman: it’s when he consummates these feelings by ordering a call girl, having an office fling, or hanging out at strip clubs that otherwise decent guys become adulterers.

All this means that BPD men have to find an emotional mechanism that lets them get past lust and into a more healthy, realistic state of mind. Sorry, 99% of the guys reading this post will never sleep with a hot bikini model because you don’t measure up to the 1% of guys that would be appealing to her.

I’m still at a loss for finding ways to get past sexual frustrations aside from stalking, following, or obsessing over women. I want to feel powerful in a powerless situation. Attraction happens at all levels, but can become a pathetic plight of selfish, sometimes illegal, behavior when allowed to take over one’s mind.

Comments

13 Responses to “Why Borderline Personality Men Stalk, Follow, or Obsess over Some Women”

  1. Guest on April 6th, 2011 6:14 pm

    All men obsess, stalk, rape, and/or follow women because it is required that men be aggressive and chase women away, especially if the woman is cheating with another man and that she doesn’t want to commit to him.

  2. Jade on October 17th, 2011 9:50 pm

    How about channeling those feelings of frustration into an effort to improve yourself? Start a regular workout plan, enroll in classes to advance your career, read and learn new things to improve your mind.

    Also, how about realizing that women are people too instead of seeing us as status symbols, sex objects, or numbers on a ratings scale? How about basing your self esteem on something other than landing a “9” or a “10”?

    Be an interesting, well-rounded person who wants to contribute something to make the world better in this life. Think about what you can offer to and do for others, instead of just focusing on what you want. Real happiness comes from finding and working to advance a worthy cause, not from self-gratification.

    Adopting this sort of attitude will make you much happier, and vastly more attractive to women.

    If you want different results, you have to do different and change yourself.

    Guys with an attitude of selfish entitlement, who see us as targets instead of people and only think about what they can get from us, are a major turn-off.

  3. WHAT! on October 30th, 2011 11:35 am

    This is the fucking worst thing I have ever read, including the first follow-up comment.

  4. Anonymous on December 17th, 2011 1:33 pm

    ?

  5. Amanda on January 2nd, 2012 7:43 pm

    As you can probably guess, the name that I put is not my real name. I was actually online searching for reasons why a guy in his 40s (much older than me) who I used to be friendly with decided to follow me wherever I went and come by my house. A few of my close friends have given me some reasons but nothing close to what your page has to offer. I know many will probably disagree with me, but I am grateful you wrote this because it helped me figure out my dilemma. It now makes sense to me why this guy decided to stalk me: He is old, unattractive, I gave him the time of day but he knew he would never be able to be with me so he wanted to “have power in a powerless situation”. So thanks, your article has been of great help to me.

  6. Jake on September 23rd, 2012 2:28 pm

    @Jade-Any woman is a slut if she sees a man as a sex object and a target.

  7. chas on April 18th, 2013 11:52 am

    being shallow wont help the situation either,women feel rejection as easily as men.

  8. Stalkee on June 13th, 2013 11:07 am

    Hey. Let me comment. I had a man follow me for a year or two and in reality, all he did was hurt ME. He made ME feel rejected, stupid and unwanted, like I was just some silly game to him. I never understood his motive. All I know is he didn’t care about me after a one night stand. He never Called even though I pursued him multiple times at drunk parties. So after the one night stand I was done. he needed to pursue me. Instead, he never called, never asked me on a date, never delivered flowers. He just followed me around and ran off when I wanted to actually STOP and talk to him. Right. His selfish actions HURT ME. I now understand his motives and really I thank you for this blog. I just needed to understand it really.

  9. Stalkee on June 13th, 2013 11:10 am

    I wanted to feel powerful in his sitation that made me helpless. SO I STARTED following him back, just to “show him how it felt!” HA! He had rejected ME by never calling, remember?

    he also had a girlfriend, I found out, and I was very hurt that he didn’t care to date me, and instead made HER his girlfriend while following me around but never actually dating/sleeping with me.

    So the problem is, the borderline thing could all be in your head. You are not rejected. You just aren’t trying. You are not PURSUING the way women respond to or WANT TO BE PURSUED by you. Does this help?

  10. Stalkee on June 13th, 2013 11:13 am

    The whole thing was fucking crazy! We should have just gotten our kicks out of each other, dated, done the deed a million times that summer, then moved on, got rejected by each other and got over it, whatever, etc.

  11. Joe on October 29th, 2013 11:45 pm

    just because you fancy somebody does not mean you can not back off and move on

  12. Sherise on July 16th, 2014 12:09 pm

    Stalking is wrong….no matter what. Jade made the most intelligent comment, Jake the most idiotic and reactionary. Women arent objects, we are human beings. Seems only unattractive men have a right to expect every “hot” female to jump into bed for no good reason except no strings attached sex. Hey, you said you yourself, are unattractive!! So look in a mirror before passing judgment on whether this woman or that is a 9 or a 10! Are YOU? And why is that the only criteria for being with a woman? SO shallow, self-centered, immature, and HYPOCRITICAL. Get a life! Realize that women arent here to cater to men, nor vice-versa. I feel sorry for Erin, and for that loser’s fiancee….not HIM. He doesnt deserve that lady’s love. Women arent targets, we arent props for a man’s ego, we are people. Jesus! No wonder guys like that are unattractive…nothing to do with looks, its the entitled narcissistic mentality that is a turn-off, as Jade states….along with creepy and dangerous.

  13. admin on July 16th, 2014 3:44 pm

    Hi Sherise,

    Thanks for your comment.

    My blog was an attempt to explain a potential psychological motivation behind the behavior. I in no way, shape, or form condone it.

    You are correct, women are not objects for men’s selfish desires. If a woman isn’t interested, that’s it, the guy must move on or figure out if his behavior towards women precludes him from having an authentic relationship.

    Stalking is indeed dangerous behavior, and it should not be treated as a bad emotional reaction from a jilted lover. Stalking requires some degree of premeditation, planning, and execution. Therefore, it is a step way beyond feeling rejected: it is feeling rejected, then wanting to get even. THAT is the problematic thinking.

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