Jan
2
I’ve been trying to meet women on eHarmony.com for just over a year now. I’ve been out on a couple “eHarmony dates”. Unfortunately, these dates didn’t really lead anywhere. The more distressing problem for me, however, is getting my foot in the door with my matches. I visit every profile I am matched to and will send an email if I like what I see. 9 out of 10 times, though, I will NOT get a reply. Yes, the way in which eHarmony.com approaches matchmaking makes sense; but NO, you’re not going to land dates with 90% of the women you contact.
My initial reaction to being repeatedly rejected was that somehow my BPD was coming through in my profile. Did my writing suggest someone who is emotionally volatile, desperate, and at times out of control? Does my picture resemble that of a crazy person? Maybe my choice of questions during the “guided communication” phase spelled trouble? I thought for sure my BPD was ruining my chances of meeting someone new.
Gut check: there are more simpler causes for eHarmony difficulties. The following are my thoughts/tips for eHarmony.com users with BPD based on my own experience as a male trying to meet women. These are not scientific fact; just my own rational thoughts collected after several months of thinking irrationally in a BPD mindset 
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- Where are you located? - Sure, it’s a nice thought that you might meet soul mate on another continent, but in reality meeting people by distance and creating chemistry is very difficult. After sending out over 50 communication requests using eHarmony.com’s system, I slowly came to the realization that my geographic location - not my BPD - was a big part of the problem. Even though Costa Rica is only a 3 hour flight from most southern states in the USA, it still puts up a barrier between my match and I that will turn most people off. Why date the guy “overseas” when you’re finding matches in your own state or even your own city? Before you throw in the towel and get down on yourself, start thinking in terms of dating logistics.
- Play the numbers game - Technically speaking, every person to whom you’re matched is very compatible with your personality and lifestyle. The trick, though, is being mutually attracted over the internet based on sometimes low quality photos and impersonal communication. That means you need to shift focus to the 30,000 foot view. Initially, if I saw a match I liked I’d email her and then sit on my hands waiting for a response. When that response never came - or came weeks later (sheesh
) - I’d immediately feel rejected and upset. You can’t just focus on one person at a time, even if they seem like the perfect match. Instead, continually send out emails to anyone you like, regardless of the status of communication with prior matches. Don’t worry, you’re not “cheating” on someone (a typical head-over-heals-BPD-in-love-reaction) you’ve already emailed: you’re just keeping all your options open. Best of all, pursuing multiple matches at once will keep you interested in the website and diminish that “all or nothing” mentality that BPD creates when it comes to meeting relationship partners. - Put your best photo forward - I actually don’t have a lot of photos of myself. This is because I don’t socialize much and my friends and family don’t take many photos of me. No, I’m not the Elephant Man or Frankenstein. My shy, introverted personality just gets in the way of the usual sort of photo opportunities. That said, I can’t stress enough the fact that posting a good photo of yourself is absolutely crucial to eHarmony.com success. If you’re like me and have no photos, ask a friend, teacher, classmate, family member, or even the next door neighbor to take a shot of you. Don’t go overboard and dress up unless you have more casual photos to contrast your proper attire. Instead, focus on what you think is physically attractive about yourself and showcase it. Post 3 photos at minimum. The more the merrier. If people can see you happy in different situations that don’t appear posed, they will feel more comfortable communicating with you.
- Don’t mention you have BPD - In all but the rarest of circumstances, DO NOT mention you have BPD or any other mental illness. If you do, you’ll be shooting yourself in the foot. Pick and choose what you reveal in your profile carefully. Remember, once someone else has seen it, they begin to form a first impression of you. Mentioning your struggles with BPD might make sense if you’re meeting new people in a therapy group but it doesn’t work for dating. Think about it: when was the last time you met someone and opened with “I have mental illness”? Probably never. BPD is a very personal and complicated topic. When it comes to meeting people online, save these things for fifth or sixth dates when the intimate details of your life are more appropriate to share. Cease any communication with someone who tries to pry their way into your life or who gets too personal too soon. Your secrets are yours to share at a later date.
- Be honest and thorough about the information you choose to share - If your ideal woman is shy and quiet, don’t write that you want to meet a vivacious, outgoing, social-all-the-time woman. Similarly, be concrete and clear about things that are important to you, including potential deal breakers. If you love your cat and dog and are not willing to give them away for a potential partner, make sure to mention that you have pets. If you don’t have a good answer for one of your profile’s sections, leave it blank and come back to it after you’ve done some thinking. Avoid 4 or 5 word answers to open ended, broad questions. If you’re asked to describe the perfect date, do so within 5 or 6 sentences. This gives your match a good impression of your romantic mode of thought while not giving the house away. You don’t have to describe yourself down to the most minute details. Instead, put your best foot forward and be able to backup the things you’ve posted in your profile. Otherwise, your first or second date might result in disaster when your eHarmony match finds out you lied about something important.
Put BPD aside when attempting to meeting people at eHarmony.com except in the rarest of cases when it might make sense to talk about your mental health. In reality, everyone has parts of their life they’d rather not share right away. These issues are no different than your struggles with BPD. Once you’ve established a good rapport and been on five or six dates with your match only THEN should you consider opening up about your mental illness. Remember BPD is a part of you, not all of you. Show the other 99% of you that is happy, engaging, and interesting even if you have to put BPD emotions aside. In the end, opening up about your BPD is a matter of choice and timing. Don’t blurt it out on your profile or else you’ll scare away great matches who would have otherwise been interested in meeting you.
hi,that was such an amazing article about bpd and dating and revealing yourself.Contact me to be online mates?I have bpd,and a few other things,but Im vivacious,pretty(others tell me!)intelligent and loving.I would love to email you as friends.Thanks for your insight and honesty.