On Mondays, I typically plan to clean my apartment from top to bottom.
I do the wash, wipe down the bathroom, kitchen, and windows. Then, I thoroughly sweep and mop the floors.
I don’t have a particularly large apartment, so this process usually takes a couple hours.
It is a good way to get off my computer and to do something where my body is moving around and stretching.
The BPD part comes in with the actual cleaning process: Though I really enjoy the feeling of accomplishment after all is done, during the process my mind will find itself in bad past memories, negative self talk, or attempts to be a perfectionist floor sweeper.
I need to learn that things can be fine without doing them perfectly. Although I am smart enough to know that true perfectionism is not possible, I still hold myself to a high standard when completing any task in life, and sometimes this gets in the way of simply doing something for the hell of it.
These perfectionist tendancies got in the way of my enjoyment of music, where it seems nearly impossible to play an instrument at a high level without doing it flawlessly. Herein lies the problem: to play an instrument (such as a trumpet or piano, which I did in my younger years) at a high level you must master the music to near perfect standards; while at the same time, being perfectionist tends to ruin the joy of actually learning the piece of music at hand, and tends to create negative self talk if mastery is not achieved.
Sometimes its simply hard to be happy…
More on music and perfectionism later…………
More often than not, Sunday turns into my “sleep” day. In general, I have experienced hypersomnia (over sleeping) with my BPD and depression more than insomnia.
Hypersomnia is also a symptom of atypical depression. Links about atypical depression can be found in the resources section.
I sleep a total of 15 hours, on average, between Saturday and Sunday. During the week days, I sleep about 9-10 hours, plus a 2 hour nap in the afternoon prior to dinner.
For me, sleep is an escape where my mind is liberated from the incessant and fierce BPD commentary that seemingly never goes away. Sleep offers me a time-out from life and allows me an excuse to get away from people when I am tired of socializing.
I realize sleeping this much is probably not a good idea, but for right now, it seems to be a coping mechanism. It prevents me from getting into trouble, or from being impulsive and self destructive.
The purpose of this blog is twofold: one, to help educate and enlighten others about BPD and its effects on sufferers and their friends/family; and two, as a personal diary where my views and experiences as a male with BPD will be expressed for therapeutic purposes.
Additionally, on the right side of this page, you will find a complete list of categorized resources, including links to major BPD research, personal testimonials, treatment advice, and more.
Eventually, I will add comment privileges to these posts so others with BPD (or others who know someone with BPD) can offer their points of view.
BPD wakes up with me everyday and puts me to bed at night: it is a painful condition that I wish I never had, but my goal is long term improvement and healing.
Enjoy the website!