Feb
16
One of my biggest BPD problems is envy. Quite plainly, I fail to see any value in my own life, and yearn for what others have.
Some other people are rich and famous, some have lots of good breaks, some are attractive and desired, some have prodigal talents, some had better parents, better families, better girlfriends, happier college experiences, etc. the list goes on.
Every time I bring this up with my Doctor, she usually says something along the lines of: “Well, you have to remember those people you envy have negative events or qualities in their lives - so try and find good things in your life that make you happy.”
The thing is, I have tried millions of times over to find what is “good” in my life. And, to be plain, it just never measures up to what someone else has.
I tried being “good” for the first 22 years of my life, and all I got was Type 1 Diabetes (genetic, not the fat kind), Borderline Personality, a whole lot of proclivities that scare me, and unpolished mediocre results in almost everything I do.
What is good about that? How can one be happy when the world we live in is competitive and values superlative qualities?
Why was I blessed with physical and mental illness, when my potential for good would be MUCH higher if I was free of these chains?
I just don’t understand it. It tears me to pieces.