Mar
19
One of my desires / envies in my world of BPD issues was being born with a special talent.
By special talent, I mean the ability to compose symphonies at age 10, or the ability to do difficult mathematic equations in Kindgergarten, or the ability to run a sub 4 minute mile as a high school athlete.
Why? Because society and the human race seems to give people with these talents special admiration. We put them on a pedastool.
To be more pragmatic, people with these types of gifts get a great jump on life early. Many profoundly gifted people get admitted to Ivy league universities in their teen years, perform at Carnegie hall, or compete in top athletic competitions before they even hit their 20’s.
Imagine the thrill, the prestige, and the adulation of achieving such high distinction in youth, such that your life is set out before you in a way that you just know that making ends meet will NEVER be a challenge.
I can provide one real example for you. In New York city there is a boy approxiamately aged 12, born to a modest family, who is a profoundly gifted composer. His nickname is “Blue Jay”, which he signs on all his works. His parents knew he was special when, as a toddler, he took a strong liking to music and began playing instruments and writing notes.
Now as an adolescent, he is enrolled in the prestigious Julliard School. He is a prolific composer, and has written more symphonies in about 7 years of composing than some well known music icons have written in their entire lifetime.
How special and wonderful it must be to have this sort of life. How special it must be to score a perfect SAT test, to play Rachmaninoff piano compositions as a teenager, or play basketball like a pro before the age of 18.
Why do I feel this way? Quite frankly, because the result of nearly everything I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what the circumstances, is always just short of truly admirable results.
In the real world, we respect those who excel, but we only remember the greats. Michael Jordan, David Hawking, and this “Blue Jay” kid have etched their place in history as profoundly gifted individuals with innate abilities that most of us can only dream of.
I get angry that I can not achieve at a high level because I feel I am being robbed of opportunity, prestige, or most importantly positive self esteem and admiration from others.
In our capitalist society, those in the 99.99 percentile or higher rake in the dough, live well, and go down in the books as truly amazing human beings.
On the other hand, we tend to forget joe average - even someone like me who has certainly done noteworthy things in life, but nothing worthy of extreme achievement. For example, in College I got my fair share of A’s and B’s, but when my final average was computed, I fell hundreths of a point short of graduating with Greek Honors. My years as a musician/composer showed promise and rough talent, but I never was able to get to a level of being considered a virtuoso. Efforts attempting to become a “good” runner failed - I was never a top contender, never set any records, and didn’t even compete at a national level.
Mind you, I know high achievement does not come without its sacrifices and time commitments, but I have tried doggedly at many things and never, ever, got to a level I, or anyone else, said that I could be considered one of the “greats”.
Instead of being given a gift, I was given Borderline Personality Disorder and Type 1 Diabetes Christmas day of 1997. Where did I go wrong? What’s wrong with this picture?