Feb
25
I’ve had a couple down days, starting over the weekend on Sunday. I was trying to motivate myself to clean up my apartment, as I usually do every Sunday or Monday each week, but instead just wanted to sleep and do nothing.
So, now it is Monday evening, and I didn’t clean up my apartment, or do anything productive with my day. Instead, I got up, took my meds, and then returned to bed for the rest of the day. It’s too late now to start cleaning my apartment because I usually run a wash at the same time, and doing so at this hour would disturb others in the apartment next door.
Sleeping away days sometimes feels good, but when I wake up, I feel guilty and angry that I didn’t choose to do something with my day. It’s always good to have a break from the normal routine, but when is a break too long?
Of course, when I awaken from a daily slumber my self critic is banging on my head: “Why didn’t you clean the apartment?”, “Why didn’t you go out?”, “Why didn’t you answer the phone calls of friends?”
There is not much in my self esteem arsenal to begin with, so attempting to reply to criticism that is somewhat appropriate, somewhat insidious, is very hard.
Now that I’ve missed my usual Monday cleanup, I’m out of my routine and will have to do it on Tuesday.
I’m very rigid with my routines, and when something gets in the way, I have a hard time coping and adapting.
I don’t know when its appopriate to stop and relax, or when I should have pushed harder and taken care of my chores.
Once again, the polarizing tendancies of BPD (Black or White thinking) rears its ugly head.