Jul
29
People with Borderline Personality Disorder are characterized by having anger management issues. Frequent or volatile outbursts, tantrums, or physical violence are common ways in which Borderlines react when they feel angry. With women, BPD anger is vitriolic, hateful, and emotional. With men, it is more physical, confrontation, and out of control. Being fair, however, there are many cross-overs in terms of the kinds of anger experienced by BPD in both sexes.
I have found that I have a very short fuse, and that I blow up over little things after days or weeks of frustration have been pent up in my mind. In general, I’m a reserved person, so instead of showing negativity publicly around people in small amounts ( thus venting a little ) I tend to “save it” until I am home, around close friends, or others with whom I feel close to; because I feel that no matter what I do, say, throw, or break, they will generally still like me afterwards ( hopefully ).
But it is important to emphasize that BPD anger is different from “normal” anger or frustration. Here are a few short bullet points taken from my own experiences:
- BPD Anger is uncontrolable, the rage takes over and all self-control and emotional regulation evaporates.
- With men, it is physical and confrontational. I will threaten, push, punch, or otherwise harm others when I am really going off the deep end. Other times, I will punch the wall, break things, or damage property.
- BPD anger is reckless. I can remember a few episodes in which anger and driving made for a bad mix. One night, after finishing work at a restaraunt bar, I was in a very angry emotional state. The result was disasterous: I got into my car and sped down country roads with little regard for posted speed limits or other people. When I approached a turn, I was going so fast that I completely went off the road and into a someone’s front yard. In a matter of seconds, I had ruined a stone wall, damaged a tree, spun 360 degress around, and completely totaled the car. Had I been “in control” of my emotions, this never would have happened.
- BPD anger is self abusive. In college and the years following college, I can remember getting so angry that I physically would cut myself in a vain attempt to express the pain I was feeling. One time, I was so mad at my parents that I took a dull dinner knife and slashed at my left arm in hopes of making them feel the pain I was feeling about myself. Of course, this didn’t work, and the result was a terrible incident which left me and them with terrible emotional scars.
- Speaking personally, when I feel rage towards women, I have rape or sexual violence thoughts. *** LET ME BE CLEAR: I HAVE NEVER HIT, RAPED, OR OTHERWISE HARMED A WOMEN IN MY LIFE *** - but that doesn’t mean the thought hasn’t crossed my mind when I’m flying off the handle. The feelings of abandonment, failure, and loss of love that comes with love and emotional commitments to others tends to give rise to fantasies of showing them “who’s boss”, in a cowardly hope to control them and quell one’s own feelings of worthlessnes.
- BPD anger makes one say horrible things. When I am in a BPD tantrum, not only do I speak my mind, but also throw in the kitchen sink, using every emotional spade I can gather to harm the opposing party. I say horrible things, pass judgments, and often do so to the point that one single episode of my anger ruins the entire relationship forever. I have lost friends in a matter of minutes over BPD anger.
- BPD anger is overly-dramatic. Because the BPD sufferer is feeling so emotionally charged, angry outbursts can give way to dramatic acts, words, or threats. Although most never come to fruition, on some ocassions, what would otherwise be a passing angry word erupts into a huge scene that troubles everyone in its wake.
For the victims of a BPD rage, I think the important thing to understand, coming from a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, is that for every 5 things a BPD does in anger, maybe only 1 of them are really genuine. The rest are just products of anger and frustration over peripheral issues that don’t have anything to do with the particular event that sparked the BPD rage in the first place.
That said, one should also realize that BPD rages are not necessarily like the temper tantrums thrown by a toddler who isn’t getting his/her milk and cookies before bedtime. It is quite the opposite: the BPD sufferer feels so lost, hopeless, worthless, and desperate that anger and rash emotional behavior feels like the only way out of the situation.
Don’t take a BPD rage personally, but do make sure that you process it and if possible, get help for the BPD person. If you feel anger in return and feel so detested that you can’t even speak to the BPD who threw the fit, it might be better that you talk to a professional and get advice about how to cope with the incident.
I don’t condone or make excuses for my BPD rages. In the days, months, and years following acute outbursts, I often feel guilt and shame. At the same time, I hope the people around me get past the anger and look between the lines for the pain I am feeling. If they can admit that they see the pain, and not the anger at its face value, they have made an enormous leap that is both laudable and extremely beneficial for me as a sufferer of BPD.
In the end, BPD sufferers are mostly motivated by fear and feelings of loss. If you remember this the next time a BPD person you know acts out, you’ll be that much closer to helping this person through the pain that they feel. In fact, by understanding and vocalizing the pain displayed in a tantrum back to the BPD sufferer, it may help prevent future BPD rages, which is the ultimate goal of everyone surrounding a sufferer of Borderline Personality Disorder.
how do you manage to control yourself when you rage? I am a BPD suferer myself and sometimes I feel like a monster and cannot control myself.
regards
Speaking for myself, once I fly into a BPD rage, I actually have a very difficult time controlling it. The best way I think to head-off BPD tantrums is to recognize signs of escalation. For example, if my day is going bad and things are starting to pile up in my mind that make me angry, I try to monitor my thoughts more closely, making sure that if I interact with anyone, I do so very carefully so that I won’t explode right in their face.
My BPD tantrums are like time bombs and are unpredictable. They run the range of acute anger, cursing and hurtful remarks, to violence and self abuse.
If you feel like you’re reaching your boiling point just take the rest of the day off…Get youself out of any difficult situations and rest. Explain your absense the next day if necessary: it’s far better to call it quits on a bad day than to have a horrible BPD rage.
I was once in a relationship with a BPD, and at the time, I didn’t know about it until I saw the characteristics and got educated on this. I haven’t seen the physical part of it, but he has told me of how he can be. He refuses to talk with me and tells me that I am crazy because I want to be his friend.
I just hate the fact that I think everything is going fine then out of the blue I just explode. I yell, scream, throw things and have no control. Until i get upset try to apologize, get rejected cuz he’s still mad I over reacted then i break down. I’m just so tired of this… I don’t know what to do anymore. I try to get him to understand but I don’t know how!
Rejection when i am so painfully exposed and so filled with shame and remorse is pure hell. It feels that all the loving, sweet, and thoutful gestures are trampled and tossed away. The only thing that helps me is to think about what I might want to be done if i were the victim of MY anger–God, he’d rather be in Afganistan! Sometimes i just write a poem or buy a little gift that would show my love w/out exposing myself for ridicule and give it to him when he’s cooled off.
I was in a relationship/marriage with someone whom has a BPD as well as Bi-Polar mania. I have to give kudos and say to those that suffer from this to keep up the good fight. I admire you all very much. But in all honesty, the suggestions that persons whom suffer from this are giving are really great and I applaud you for doing these things for yourselves. However, without proper supervision by a medical provider of medications and cognitive behavioral therapy these ideas and attempts are meaningless. So for the sake of others if you really love them, don’t just try to handle it on your own. My ex-wife refuses to get help for her problems and continues to deny she has them to this very day. She has tried the writing things down, thinking things through, etc.. And now, because she refuses to get the help we have a two year old daughter that has to witness the same things I lived through. And if anyone thinks I’m overexaggerating, they should have witnessed our daughter with a broken collar bone at 8 months old because of this. Not only that, but since we’ve been divorced I now have to carry on nearly a daily basis the effects of her BPD. That’s why we’re headed back into court to hopefully correct this once and for all.
I can’t understand sometimes how my boyfriend manages to stay in the relationship after my tantrums. It doesn’t mean though that they are small or light, this week I’ve had few days straight with them, and I get to the point where I just can’t and don’t wanna live like this anymore. Sometimes I even think about taking some time away, because the more I see I hurt him (even for a while, for he says it goes away), the more I hurt myself for having no control and such.
i’m seriously sick of all these bpd forms that preach understanding and love to the person with bpd. like somehow, if we educate ourselves as non-bpds, you will all get better. the reality of it is, you shit on people. and then want them to stick around and help you through it. it’s all about you and your bpd. meanwhile, us non-bpds are suppose to always be the bigger person, and “read between the lines”. if i ever meet another bpd, i will run the other way. you don’t deserve my time, or to share my space in this life.
Hi,
I’m sorry you feel that way. My guess is you’ve had a bad experience with someone with BPD in your life.
Some people react more acutely to BPD than others. I think the key is separating the illness from the person. Also, in many cases, people with BPD are struggling with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from abuse upbringings. In one sense, someone with BPD is survivor that does not know how to fit into the real world, because all they know is the shitty environment they came from.
thank you for this article. and all the responses to it. it gave me some good insight on BPD and how to help my boyfriend and me work through it. but don’t ever say a person with BPD doesn’t deserve to be loved, because they do. and its really important we get a better understanding of those who suffer from it.
To Anonymous -
Good, then don’t be with them anymore. Not all of us are just being shitty to people because we can. many of us are working very hard and it is a very hard road. I told my boyfriend that I don’t feel I deserved him and that this just causes me shame, abandonment anxiety, etc. and that I am not ready for a relationship.
You also have to look at yourself too for staying in as long as you did and not blame the BPD partner for that alone.
Nice of you to hang in, but then to come down on all people suffering with BPD is not very fair. People you don’t even know.
Good luck and yes, do run the other way next time. You can’t handle it and some other people can and some of us are working very hard and have a lot to offer anyway.
Since my BF is not healthy enough to separate himself from me, I did it. I decided I don’t want to be in a serious relationship. I’ve had enough and I don’t want to hurt him either.
And one of the hard things is that he has not been entirely honest, is not willing to take responsibility and it is just as easy for him to put it on me (the one with the emotional problems) so screw that too….
Good luck everyone. I am happier single and/or hopefully meeting someone who makes me feel a little more comfortable than this last one did. Honesty is a big deal.
wow! all I can say is were we were we all from the same eggs from a sperm bank? Our cries and our issues are all so much the same. Its like having relatives all over the world from another morphed life form! its just so bloody sad and I can’t believe it’s me it’s happening to. I don’t know if I’m glad now that I’ve been diagnosed or that it would have been better not to have ever found out and having ignorant bliss. Is there hope guys for us? It’s like same pattern different time and relationship! I’m so scared of losing my man, so so scared cos i’ve been so angry lately.
BTW follow my blog if you want http://bpdiag45.blogspot.com/
or join my new yahoo bpd group
http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bpdiag45/
or there is my twitter
http://twitter.com/BPDlife
these are all new sites cos i’ve only recently been diagnosed
Michelle,
Thanks for your comment and links! Any websites and resources that can potentially help others is very helpful and greatly appreciated.
I know how everyone feels but don’t know where to get help
Wow I wish I could get away with taking my temper out on others..making them feel they are walking on eggshells and generally being a nasty peice of work and then saying it is “beyond my control” and telling THEM to get help if they dont feel like having anything to do with me!!
NO behaviour is uncontrollable, by the person doing it, only by the person recieving it!
Hi Sharon,
Thank you for your comment. It seems like you’ve been on the receiving end of some tantrums and rants, I’m sure. It can be very frustrating, but you need to realize that some people are programmed differently than others.
Would you tell a mother with postpartum depression to simply “cheer up?”. Would you tell an Iraq or Afghanistan War Vet with PTSD to simply “get over it?”. Or, someone with Bipolar disorder to “get a hold of themselves”?
These are real problems with real causes: biological and environmental. Please temper this consideration with your frustration with someone losing their cool, which you are entitled to feel as well…
You’re asking for consideration from others when none is shown by the sufferer during a tantrum stemming from BPD. I agree with that up until a point. If you are actively seeking treatment and making a genuine effort, then compassion should try to be extended whenever possible. The sheer abrasiveness and volatility of the disorder make it extremely hard to deal with, however. Other people might be having a shit day as well, or could be suffering from a disorder that is extremely sensitive to the kinds of behaviour exhibited (one fifth of people supposedly have a mental illness after all. Social anxiety disorder comes to mind as a condition that would be absolutely floored by BPD behaviour). Understanding is a two way street and not carte blanche to take a dump on everyone around you.
Hi,
I have coined a phrase for my Jekyl/Hyde episodes: The “Vengeance Switch” (copyrighted - ha, ha). Non-borderline disordered people seem to like it. I like it too, because a switch implies that SOMETHING flicked it.
So, how do I shut the panel door on the “Breaker Panel”? Medication to smooth out my ups and downs, changing my “faulty thinking” with cognitive/DBT type awareness and avoiding people and situations which I have learned will flick the switch (this included ending my marriage to a very good man, but unfortunately one who just caused me to flip to the dark side constantly). I am older and have had more life experience with my rages. I am now able to recognize when it happens. I can almost hear the click of the flick of the switch! This is very exciting for me, because the next step will be to try to flick it back instantly. Maybe I will need another decade of life experience for this! (Hey admin, thanks so much for your blog. It is so good to hear about yours and others’ experiences that are so similar to mine!)
I recently decided to get out of a relationship with my spouse. he has never been diagnosed of this, but i do feel after reading all the material online, that he must surely have this problem. I always wondered what he was all about, but the pain , the fights, the verbal attacks and the complete and total disregards to my needs were hard to look past to realize that he might be genuinely having a problem.
I am not sure i would have been able to help though, and i was also losing my cool and letting everything he said get to me. It was driving me crazy and on top of it all the blame, the constant need to find faults. God it was hell.
I know i could not have made him go see a therapist, but i do hope someday he would and try to fix himself slowly. They say BPDs have a hole in their soul, but i also feel, they drill one in the non-BDP partners soul too.
I am borderline, I was diagnosed a little less than a year ago. I am in a low low place right now. I am going to therapy and discussing some tragic event that happen to me at the age of 6. My emotions are going nuts. More than normal. I keep having pictures in my mind of causing damage to myself in ways that I may not recover from. I tried calling my therapist and I can’t get a hold of her.
Yesterday I woke up and cried for an hour. Today I have been at work all day and I went from angry to incredibly melancholy. I am at work by my self until 7pm, 2 more hours. I keep bursting into tears for almost nothing. My heart is throbbing. My head is spinning. My skin is tingly yet numb. My lip is quivering. My eyes are watery, bloodshot, and saddened.
And now this bitch says I have a hole in my heart, and I am doomed to drill holes in others heart. Now I’m back to angry. That little BLEEP. If she were strong and smart then she wouldn’t allow a hole to be drilled in her heart. Get help. You suck. I want rip your unholy sole into shreds for thinking you know anything about your ex or any one else with BPD. I have to go. RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA stupid.
Hi Magdalyn,
If your therapist is ignoring you, I urge you to drop them immediately and find someone who really understands BPD.
I too struggle with thoughts of self harm and death, although at the moment I’m semi-functional. I’ve had a few episodes of crying and utter despair. It’s horrible.
Get another therapist, or better yet go to a hospital and check yourself in. Yes, that sounds like a shitty experience, but if you’re really low and upset, you might irreparably harm yourself or worse.
Good Luck…
It’s laughable that “Cat” thinks she gets it, but clearly doesn’t. Read her response. This is what they do, and how they do it. Pay attention. don’t be manipulated.
Hey
Great article from the heart. I’ve been raging since I was a child at my parents siblings and the mental health community. It creates an endless cycle of chaos and I avoid ppl whenever possible b/c of it. So it’s like a self-sacrifice for the consideration of others. When I have to turn to the same ppl I raged on for emotional support or some other help, I just get mad all over again.
I’m always inconsolable when I get upset and strangely enough reaching out usually makes things worse. The “kitchen sink” strategy is a great description, and after the rage I usually see it as self-defense to protect from total humiliation.
I agree with Non-BPDs who warn about staying away from BPDs. Who can blame them? Can BPDs ruin lives? Absolutely! There’s definitely a sadistic component of BPD in some cases that’s not just some movie characterization it’s real!
Even if you have a family member with it, there’s not much you can do w/o getting burned. What’s sad is how the mental health community feels about BPD and perpetuates the rejection or purposefully dx something else for insurance purposes. Medications don’t really help and the bonehead pdocs need to realize that.
I think my husband has got a little of BPD,since he begs me to stay with him and once i stay he asks me to leave, recently he started getting into depression for no reason,he stares blankly nodding his head(rare habit) (I get scared to death). then after some time he turns normal. He has bad shopping habit due to which he has burden of loans, now he also shopped in my card.
likes expensive stuffs.
Whenever i threaten to leave or when he’s angry he drives to kill himself. However when he cools he gives excuses for his behaviour, however he is not violent with me.
I am not long out of a relationship with a man I now realize has BPD. I accepted criticizms, accusations, insults which often initially appeared to be compliments, and rages which seemed to come out of nowhere. I walked on eggshells but no matter how careful I was it still happened. He had had a terrible life and I wanted to help him and thought I could. He did me the most enormous favour of ending it, and it was as if I’d been on a roller coaster for 6 months. I hit the ground with a thud and asked myself: what was that about, and where has your brain been? I feel some anger at him for abusing, but much more at myself for allowing my boundaries to be so violated, and for tolerating such poor treatment. I am appalled that I allowed this happen to me at the age of 54 (he is the same age)and at the moment feel no confidence in my ability to choose a functional man who will value me and treat me well.
There is no question that for those suffering from BPD, day-to-day life can be an unrelenting and hellish roller coaster ride. But it is absolutely absurd to think that those who are (hopefully only briefly) in a relationship with you should somehow accommodate, sustain, develop the relationship. The BPD will NEVER improve - they are capable of a level of Satanic, evil rage that is horrifying to witness and profoundly humiliating to receive. And though they may feel shame, they are never truly sorry. I’d argue they are incapable of true remorse. My advice is to identify the signs ASAP and to immediately and permanently break off all contact. Remember, they will never improve - no matter how optimistic and hopeful you are, that brief period of loving affection will give way to profoundly disturbing, explosive rage. Always. All the talk about accepting the BPD is nonsense - they’re asking you to sacrifice your very humanity for them, and they honestly think you should. Get out, don’t look back, do NOT BELIEVE THEM.
Hi, I was diagnosed with bpd 15 years ago and for the last 5 years I thought I had grown out of it so to speak. However, here lately all the same signs and symptoms keep coming back and the one I can’t stop is the anger. I get so mad and lose it over nothing. I’ve always taken the anti depressants. Right now I’m on pristiq. I’m wondering if I need to start all over again with therapy. Why would I go 5 years with virtually no symptoms to having them implode on me all of a sudden? This makes no sense.
I read with laughter the comment by the individual that had very little compassion with BPDs. I understand his reasoning. He and I probably were married to the same person….just kidding. I have read hours and hours trying to understand my wife’s condition. If I used one word to describe it, it would be “BIZARRE”.
I dated my wife for a few years before marrying. Yes I am stupid. I loved her though….still do. My wife was married to a good guy for 14 years. She said he cheated on her. They divorced. After 3 months, they remarried. After 1 year, they divorced again. Then along comes and idiot……me. I thought she was the greatest fit for me ever. She hung on my every word….thought I was the sexiest, most intelligent, most handsome, most everything……I am not….I miss it by one…..just kidding. She told me the 20 something holes in the walls of the house was mostly damage he did after the affair……I believed her. The seven doors I replaced, she told me he damaged them. He didn’t. Did you know that a 125 pound woman in a BPD rage can rip a door off the hinges? I watched. Rage does not properly define the anger that she exhibits. She has torn up so many things in the house of sentimental value to me. He would regularly hit and slap me and leave huge scratches and red spots. They became worse until I started defending myself. Her violent, violent, over-the-top temper is uncontrollable. I think sometimes she would kill me if she could. Her rage is unpredictable. Sometimes it is triggered. Sometimes as she sits in a quiet room while we are reading quietly, she thinks of something that she perceives as a wrong, that may have happened 2 years ago and undiscussed as to today, will cause her to go into a tyrade and become physical and verbally abusive. The profanity that comes out of her mouth would blush a sailor.
We married in March of 2009 and I got divorce papers from her in January 2010. The crazy thing. I signed. She hasn’t. Who knows?
If I turn up dead, please investigate.