Jul
29
People with Borderline Personality Disorder are characterized by having anger management issues. Frequent or volatile outbursts, tantrums, or physical violence are common ways in which Borderlines react when they feel angry. With women, BPD anger is vitriolic, hateful, and emotional. With men, it is more physical, confrontation, and out of control. Being fair, however, there are many cross-overs in terms of the kinds of anger experienced by BPD in both sexes.
I have found that I have a very short fuse, and that I blow up over little things after days or weeks of frustration have been pent up in my mind. In general, I’m a reserved person, so instead of showing negativity publicly around people in small amounts ( thus venting a little ) I tend to “save it” until I am home, around close friends, or others with whom I feel close to; because I feel that no matter what I do, say, throw, or break, they will generally still like me afterwards ( hopefully ).
But it is important to emphasize that BPD anger is different from “normal” anger or frustration. Here are a few short bullet points taken from my own experiences:
- BPD Anger is uncontrolable, the rage takes over and all self-control and emotional regulation evaporates.
- With men, it is physical and confrontational. I will threaten, push, punch, or otherwise harm others when I am really going off the deep end. Other times, I will punch the wall, break things, or damage property.
- BPD anger is reckless. I can remember a few episodes in which anger and driving made for a bad mix. One night, after finishing work at a restaraunt bar, I was in a very angry emotional state. The result was disasterous: I got into my car and sped down country roads with little regard for posted speed limits or other people. When I approached a turn, I was going so fast that I completely went off the road and into a someone’s front yard. In a matter of seconds, I had ruined a stone wall, damaged a tree, spun 360 degress around, and completely totaled the car. Had I been “in control” of my emotions, this never would have happened.
- BPD anger is self abusive. In college and the years following college, I can remember getting so angry that I physically would cut myself in a vain attempt to express the pain I was feeling. One time, I was so mad at my parents that I took a dull dinner knife and slashed at my left arm in hopes of making them feel the pain I was feeling about myself. Of course, this didn’t work, and the result was a terrible incident which left me and them with terrible emotional scars.
- Speaking personally, when I feel rage towards women, I have rape or sexual violence thoughts. *** LET ME BE CLEAR: I HAVE NEVER HIT, RAPED, OR OTHERWISE HARMED A WOMEN IN MY LIFE *** - but that doesn’t mean the thought hasn’t crossed my mind when I’m flying off the handle. The feelings of abandonment, failure, and loss of love that comes with love and emotional commitments to others tends to give rise to fantasies of showing them “who’s boss”, in a cowardly hope to control them and quell one’s own feelings of worthlessnes.
- BPD anger makes one say horrible things. When I am in a BPD tantrum, not only do I speak my mind, but also throw in the kitchen sink, using every emotional spade I can gather to harm the opposing party. I say horrible things, pass judgments, and often do so to the point that one single episode of my anger ruins the entire relationship forever. I have lost friends in a matter of minutes over BPD anger.
- BPD anger is overly-dramatic. Because the BPD sufferer is feeling so emotionally charged, angry outbursts can give way to dramatic acts, words, or threats. Although most never come to fruition, on some ocassions, what would otherwise be a passing angry word erupts into a huge scene that troubles everyone in its wake.
For the victims of a BPD rage, I think the important thing to understand, coming from a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, is that for every 5 things a BPD does in anger, maybe only 1 of them are really genuine. The rest are just products of anger and frustration over peripheral issues that don’t have anything to do with the particular event that sparked the BPD rage in the first place.
That said, one should also realize that BPD rages are not necessarily like the temper tantrums thrown by a toddler who isn’t getting his/her milk and cookies before bedtime. It is quite the opposite: the BPD sufferer feels so lost, hopeless, worthless, and desperate that anger and rash emotional behavior feels like the only way out of the situation.
Don’t take a BPD rage personally, but do make sure that you process it and if possible, get help for the BPD person. If you feel anger in return and feel so detested that you can’t even speak to the BPD who threw the fit, it might be better that you talk to a professional and get advice about how to cope with the incident.
I don’t condone or make excuses for my BPD rages. In the days, months, and years following acute outbursts, I often feel guilt and shame. At the same time, I hope the people around me get past the anger and look between the lines for the pain I am feeling. If they can admit that they see the pain, and not the anger at its face value, they have made an enormous leap that is both laudable and extremely beneficial for me as a sufferer of BPD.
In the end, BPD sufferers are mostly motivated by fear and feelings of loss. If you remember this the next time a BPD person you know acts out, you’ll be that much closer to helping this person through the pain that they feel. In fact, by understanding and vocalizing the pain displayed in a tantrum back to the BPD sufferer, it may help prevent future BPD rages, which is the ultimate goal of everyone surrounding a sufferer of Borderline Personality Disorder.
how do you manage to control yourself when you rage? I am a BPD suferer myself and sometimes I feel like a monster and cannot control myself.
regards
Speaking for myself, once I fly into a BPD rage, I actually have a very difficult time controlling it. The best way I think to head-off BPD tantrums is to recognize signs of escalation. For example, if my day is going bad and things are starting to pile up in my mind that make me angry, I try to monitor my thoughts more closely, making sure that if I interact with anyone, I do so very carefully so that I won’t explode right in their face.
My BPD tantrums are like time bombs and are unpredictable. They run the range of acute anger, cursing and hurtful remarks, to violence and self abuse.
If you feel like you’re reaching your boiling point just take the rest of the day off…Get youself out of any difficult situations and rest. Explain your absense the next day if necessary: it’s far better to call it quits on a bad day than to have a horrible BPD rage.
I was once in a relationship with a BPD, and at the time, I didn’t know about it until I saw the characteristics and got educated on this. I haven’t seen the physical part of it, but he has told me of how he can be. He refuses to talk with me and tells me that I am crazy because I want to be his friend.
I just hate the fact that I think everything is going fine then out of the blue I just explode. I yell, scream, throw things and have no control. Until i get upset try to apologize, get rejected cuz he’s still mad I over reacted then i break down. I’m just so tired of this… I don’t know what to do anymore. I try to get him to understand but I don’t know how!
Rejection when i am so painfully exposed and so filled with shame and remorse is pure hell. It feels that all the loving, sweet, and thoutful gestures are trampled and tossed away. The only thing that helps me is to think about what I might want to be done if i were the victim of MY anger–God, he’d rather be in Afganistan! Sometimes i just write a poem or buy a little gift that would show my love w/out exposing myself for ridicule and give it to him when he’s cooled off.
I was in a relationship/marriage with someone whom has a BPD as well as Bi-Polar mania. I have to give kudos and say to those that suffer from this to keep up the good fight. I admire you all very much. But in all honesty, the suggestions that persons whom suffer from this are giving are really great and I applaud you for doing these things for yourselves. However, without proper supervision by a medical provider of medications and cognitive behavioral therapy these ideas and attempts are meaningless. So for the sake of others if you really love them, don’t just try to handle it on your own. My ex-wife refuses to get help for her problems and continues to deny she has them to this very day. She has tried the writing things down, thinking things through, etc.. And now, because she refuses to get the help we have a two year old daughter that has to witness the same things I lived through. And if anyone thinks I’m overexaggerating, they should have witnessed our daughter with a broken collar bone at 8 months old because of this. Not only that, but since we’ve been divorced I now have to carry on nearly a daily basis the effects of her BPD. That’s why we’re headed back into court to hopefully correct this once and for all.
I can’t understand sometimes how my boyfriend manages to stay in the relationship after my tantrums. It doesn’t mean though that they are small or light, this week I’ve had few days straight with them, and I get to the point where I just can’t and don’t wanna live like this anymore. Sometimes I even think about taking some time away, because the more I see I hurt him (even for a while, for he says it goes away), the more I hurt myself for having no control and such.
i’m seriously sick of all these bpd forms that preach understanding and love to the person with bpd. like somehow, if we educate ourselves as non-bpds, you will all get better. the reality of it is, you shit on people. and then want them to stick around and help you through it. it’s all about you and your bpd. meanwhile, us non-bpds are suppose to always be the bigger person, and “read between the lines”. if i ever meet another bpd, i will run the other way. you don’t deserve my time, or to share my space in this life.
Hi,
I’m sorry you feel that way. My guess is you’ve had a bad experience with someone with BPD in your life.
Some people react more acutely to BPD than others. I think the key is separating the illness from the person. Also, in many cases, people with BPD are struggling with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from abuse upbringings. In one sense, someone with BPD is survivor that does not know how to fit into the real world, because all they know is the shitty environment they came from.
thank you for this article. and all the responses to it. it gave me some good insight on BPD and how to help my boyfriend and me work through it. but don’t ever say a person with BPD doesn’t deserve to be loved, because they do. and its really important we get a better understanding of those who suffer from it.
To Anonymous -
Good, then don’t be with them anymore. Not all of us are just being shitty to people because we can. many of us are working very hard and it is a very hard road. I told my boyfriend that I don’t feel I deserved him and that this just causes me shame, abandonment anxiety, etc. and that I am not ready for a relationship.
You also have to look at yourself too for staying in as long as you did and not blame the BPD partner for that alone.
Nice of you to hang in, but then to come down on all people suffering with BPD is not very fair. People you don’t even know.
Good luck and yes, do run the other way next time. You can’t handle it and some other people can and some of us are working very hard and have a lot to offer anyway.
Since my BF is not healthy enough to separate himself from me, I did it. I decided I don’t want to be in a serious relationship. I’ve had enough and I don’t want to hurt him either.
And one of the hard things is that he has not been entirely honest, is not willing to take responsibility and it is just as easy for him to put it on me (the one with the emotional problems) so screw that too….
Good luck everyone. I am happier single and/or hopefully meeting someone who makes me feel a little more comfortable than this last one did. Honesty is a big deal.
wow! all I can say is were we were we all from the same eggs from a sperm bank? Our cries and our issues are all so much the same. Its like having relatives all over the world from another morphed life form! its just so bloody sad and I can’t believe it’s me it’s happening to. I don’t know if I’m glad now that I’ve been diagnosed or that it would have been better not to have ever found out and having ignorant bliss. Is there hope guys for us? It’s like same pattern different time and relationship! I’m so scared of losing my man, so so scared cos i’ve been so angry lately.
BTW follow my blog if you want http://bpdiag45.blogspot.com/
or join my new yahoo bpd group
http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bpdiag45/
or there is my twitter
http://twitter.com/BPDlife
these are all new sites cos i’ve only recently been diagnosed
Michelle,
Thanks for your comment and links! Any websites and resources that can potentially help others is very helpful and greatly appreciated.
I know how everyone feels but don’t know where to get help
Wow I wish I could get away with taking my temper out on others..making them feel they are walking on eggshells and generally being a nasty peice of work and then saying it is “beyond my control” and telling THEM to get help if they dont feel like having anything to do with me!!
NO behaviour is uncontrollable, by the person doing it, only by the person recieving it!
Hi Sharon,
Thank you for your comment. It seems like you’ve been on the receiving end of some tantrums and rants, I’m sure. It can be very frustrating, but you need to realize that some people are programmed differently than others.
Would you tell a mother with postpartum depression to simply “cheer up?”. Would you tell an Iraq or Afghanistan War Vet with PTSD to simply “get over it?”. Or, someone with Bipolar disorder to “get a hold of themselves”?
These are real problems with real causes: biological and environmental. Please temper this consideration with your frustration with someone losing their cool, which you are entitled to feel as well…
You’re asking for consideration from others when none is shown by the sufferer during a tantrum stemming from BPD. I agree with that up until a point. If you are actively seeking treatment and making a genuine effort, then compassion should try to be extended whenever possible. The sheer abrasiveness and volatility of the disorder make it extremely hard to deal with, however. Other people might be having a shit day as well, or could be suffering from a disorder that is extremely sensitive to the kinds of behaviour exhibited (one fifth of people supposedly have a mental illness after all. Social anxiety disorder comes to mind as a condition that would be absolutely floored by BPD behaviour). Understanding is a two way street and not carte blanche to take a dump on everyone around you.
Hi,
I have coined a phrase for my Jekyl/Hyde episodes: The “Vengeance Switch” (copyrighted - ha, ha). Non-borderline disordered people seem to like it. I like it too, because a switch implies that SOMETHING flicked it.
So, how do I shut the panel door on the “Breaker Panel”? Medication to smooth out my ups and downs, changing my “faulty thinking” with cognitive/DBT type awareness and avoiding people and situations which I have learned will flick the switch (this included ending my marriage to a very good man, but unfortunately one who just caused me to flip to the dark side constantly). I am older and have had more life experience with my rages. I am now able to recognize when it happens. I can almost hear the click of the flick of the switch! This is very exciting for me, because the next step will be to try to flick it back instantly. Maybe I will need another decade of life experience for this! (Hey admin, thanks so much for your blog. It is so good to hear about yours and others’ experiences that are so similar to mine!)
I recently decided to get out of a relationship with my spouse. he has never been diagnosed of this, but i do feel after reading all the material online, that he must surely have this problem. I always wondered what he was all about, but the pain , the fights, the verbal attacks and the complete and total disregards to my needs were hard to look past to realize that he might be genuinely having a problem.
I am not sure i would have been able to help though, and i was also losing my cool and letting everything he said get to me. It was driving me crazy and on top of it all the blame, the constant need to find faults. God it was hell.
I know i could not have made him go see a therapist, but i do hope someday he would and try to fix himself slowly. They say BPDs have a hole in their soul, but i also feel, they drill one in the non-BDP partners soul too.
I am borderline, I was diagnosed a little less than a year ago. I am in a low low place right now. I am going to therapy and discussing some tragic event that happen to me at the age of 6. My emotions are going nuts. More than normal. I keep having pictures in my mind of causing damage to myself in ways that I may not recover from. I tried calling my therapist and I can’t get a hold of her.
Yesterday I woke up and cried for an hour. Today I have been at work all day and I went from angry to incredibly melancholy. I am at work by my self until 7pm, 2 more hours. I keep bursting into tears for almost nothing. My heart is throbbing. My head is spinning. My skin is tingly yet numb. My lip is quivering. My eyes are watery, bloodshot, and saddened.
And now this bitch says I have a hole in my heart, and I am doomed to drill holes in others heart. Now I’m back to angry. That little BLEEP. If she were strong and smart then she wouldn’t allow a hole to be drilled in her heart. Get help. You suck. I want rip your unholy sole into shreds for thinking you know anything about your ex or any one else with BPD. I have to go. RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA stupid.
Hi Magdalyn,
If your therapist is ignoring you, I urge you to drop them immediately and find someone who really understands BPD.
I too struggle with thoughts of self harm and death, although at the moment I’m semi-functional. I’ve had a few episodes of crying and utter despair. It’s horrible.
Get another therapist, or better yet go to a hospital and check yourself in. Yes, that sounds like a shitty experience, but if you’re really low and upset, you might irreparably harm yourself or worse.
Good Luck…
It’s laughable that “Cat” thinks she gets it, but clearly doesn’t. Read her response. This is what they do, and how they do it. Pay attention. don’t be manipulated.
Hey
Great article from the heart. I’ve been raging since I was a child at my parents siblings and the mental health community. It creates an endless cycle of chaos and I avoid ppl whenever possible b/c of it. So it’s like a self-sacrifice for the consideration of others. When I have to turn to the same ppl I raged on for emotional support or some other help, I just get mad all over again.
I’m always inconsolable when I get upset and strangely enough reaching out usually makes things worse. The “kitchen sink” strategy is a great description, and after the rage I usually see it as self-defense to protect from total humiliation.
I agree with Non-BPDs who warn about staying away from BPDs. Who can blame them? Can BPDs ruin lives? Absolutely! There’s definitely a sadistic component of BPD in some cases that’s not just some movie characterization it’s real!
Even if you have a family member with it, there’s not much you can do w/o getting burned. What’s sad is how the mental health community feels about BPD and perpetuates the rejection or purposefully dx something else for insurance purposes. Medications don’t really help and the bonehead pdocs need to realize that.
I think my husband has got a little of BPD,since he begs me to stay with him and once i stay he asks me to leave, recently he started getting into depression for no reason,he stares blankly nodding his head(rare habit) (I get scared to death). then after some time he turns normal. He has bad shopping habit due to which he has burden of loans, now he also shopped in my card.
likes expensive stuffs.
Whenever i threaten to leave or when he’s angry he drives to kill himself. However when he cools he gives excuses for his behaviour, however he is not violent with me.
I am not long out of a relationship with a man I now realize has BPD. I accepted criticizms, accusations, insults which often initially appeared to be compliments, and rages which seemed to come out of nowhere. I walked on eggshells but no matter how careful I was it still happened. He had had a terrible life and I wanted to help him and thought I could. He did me the most enormous favour of ending it, and it was as if I’d been on a roller coaster for 6 months. I hit the ground with a thud and asked myself: what was that about, and where has your brain been? I feel some anger at him for abusing, but much more at myself for allowing my boundaries to be so violated, and for tolerating such poor treatment. I am appalled that I allowed this happen to me at the age of 54 (he is the same age)and at the moment feel no confidence in my ability to choose a functional man who will value me and treat me well.
There is no question that for those suffering from BPD, day-to-day life can be an unrelenting and hellish roller coaster ride. But it is absolutely absurd to think that those who are (hopefully only briefly) in a relationship with you should somehow accommodate, sustain, develop the relationship. The BPD will NEVER improve - they are capable of a level of Satanic, evil rage that is horrifying to witness and profoundly humiliating to receive. And though they may feel shame, they are never truly sorry. I’d argue they are incapable of true remorse. My advice is to identify the signs ASAP and to immediately and permanently break off all contact. Remember, they will never improve - no matter how optimistic and hopeful you are, that brief period of loving affection will give way to profoundly disturbing, explosive rage. Always. All the talk about accepting the BPD is nonsense - they’re asking you to sacrifice your very humanity for them, and they honestly think you should. Get out, don’t look back, do NOT BELIEVE THEM.
Hi, I was diagnosed with bpd 15 years ago and for the last 5 years I thought I had grown out of it so to speak. However, here lately all the same signs and symptoms keep coming back and the one I can’t stop is the anger. I get so mad and lose it over nothing. I’ve always taken the anti depressants. Right now I’m on pristiq. I’m wondering if I need to start all over again with therapy. Why would I go 5 years with virtually no symptoms to having them implode on me all of a sudden? This makes no sense.
I read with laughter the comment by the individual that had very little compassion with BPDs. I understand his reasoning. He and I probably were married to the same person….just kidding. I have read hours and hours trying to understand my wife’s condition. If I used one word to describe it, it would be “BIZARRE”.
I dated my wife for a few years before marrying. Yes I am stupid. I loved her though….still do. My wife was married to a good guy for 14 years. She said he cheated on her. They divorced. After 3 months, they remarried. After 1 year, they divorced again. Then along comes and idiot……me. I thought she was the greatest fit for me ever. She hung on my every word….thought I was the sexiest, most intelligent, most handsome, most everything……I am not….I miss it by one…..just kidding. She told me the 20 something holes in the walls of the house was mostly damage he did after the affair……I believed her. The seven doors I replaced, she told me he damaged them. He didn’t. Did you know that a 125 pound woman in a BPD rage can rip a door off the hinges? I watched. Rage does not properly define the anger that she exhibits. She has torn up so many things in the house of sentimental value to me. He would regularly hit and slap me and leave huge scratches and red spots. They became worse until I started defending myself. Her violent, violent, over-the-top temper is uncontrollable. I think sometimes she would kill me if she could. Her rage is unpredictable. Sometimes it is triggered. Sometimes as she sits in a quiet room while we are reading quietly, she thinks of something that she perceives as a wrong, that may have happened 2 years ago and undiscussed as to today, will cause her to go into a tyrade and become physical and verbally abusive. The profanity that comes out of her mouth would blush a sailor.
We married in March of 2009 and I got divorce papers from her in January 2010. The crazy thing. I signed. She hasn’t. Who knows?
If I turn up dead, please investigate.
I’ve been kind of seeing this woman for a couple months now who suffers from BPD. She’s really a good kind person when she’s not enraged and we get along good. But when she gets mad or upset she seems to get into these uncontrollable emotional states like everyone is describing and it seems like nothing I say or do helps and I only seem to make things worse. I know she really appreciates me being around to help her with the BPD and she says that ice been a huge help but sometimes it seems like I’m the one who sets her off into these rages. I’ve seen my her trash an entire room and ice seen her cause physical self harm when she gets this way. I think she expects so much from me but I can’t do everything even though I want to be able to help her with this illness instead of hindering her. I want to understand BPD better so I know what to do or say in those situations to help her calm down. Any advice? We both like eachother and don’t want the BPD to ruin what could be a really good relationship down the road.
Hi Dane,
You are a very good person to be in a relationship with a BPD, and even better for being supportive.
I think the best thing to do is set boundaries. Discuss how BPD gets in the middle of your relationship with your girlfriend, and “limit your liability” - so to speak - by offering to help her cool down after a tantrum, instead of being the victim of a tantrum.
It’s not fair to you if you have to put up with a disproportionate amount of mental anguish than she does. Be supportive, but tell her you’re not a crutch.
I have been suffering all the same symtoms since I was a child. I have alienated every friend that I have had so now I don’t have any. Everyday I wonder why my husband stays with me I treat him so poorly it saddens me to see my kids run to their roon when I’m having a fit. It irrates me that I can not express how I feel just anger and hurtful words and I tell my husband there is nothing he can do which for now there isn’t I don’t know myself just anger. I tried to go to the doctor and I was told due to budget cuts that I do not qualify for sevices because I’m not a threat. Funny cause I’m about to loose my job which can impact my relationship more I’m in anger managment but it doesn’t help much. I just want to live a normal life whatever that is the same way everyone else does I don’t want to feel paranoid or like I’m acting like a spoiled brat always wondering when my next mood is coming. Would love help or advice on how to reprogram my thought patterns. Would be so much happier. I hate feeling that people have to walk on eggshells and I don’t want to wait to outgrow it.
I am the parent of a 15 year old daughter with BPD. I absolutly adore my daughter, she is my life. However i loathe, hate and detest her BPD.It has taken me 3 years to be able to distinguish the difference between her teenage mood swings and her BPD. It it is an exhausting, thankless task living with a BPD, and as a non BPD (who lives a parallel lifestyle due to her inability to hold down a routine) life is hard. But every day is different, i can honestly say ive never been bored- exhausted yes, bored now!
There is no way that I would ever abandon my daughter. I feel it is my job to help her come to terms with, and cope with her illness. You either have the ability withi you to deal with all the drama and trauma BPD brings….or you dont! If you cant handle it, dont get involved. It is detremental to the BPD sufferer, and will leave a non BPD shell-shocked for life at how variable the illness can make people behave.
I think it is important to remember here that it is important to unconditionally love the person who has BPD, but acceptable to loathe the illness itself. Both BPD’s and nonBPD’s need all the love and luck in the world! I wish it to you in abundance :0)
Hi Sammy,
Thank you for your sincere and honest story. I’m sure that your daughter will understand the emotional, physical, and lifestyle sacrifices you have made for her one day.
BPD is horrible, there’s no two ways about it.
It is wonderful that you support your daughter unconditionally.
Best Wishes!
Wow…..this is very interesting and saddening to read all these comments! I was engaged to a bpd and he doesn’t even acknowledge that he does ALL of the above!to the woman who is 54 and has struggled with anger and personal disappointment! Just stop…..breathe deep ….force your thoughts to think on positive about you! otherwise you are repeating his lies in your mind and YOU are better than that! I understand though… Proud of you for getting out and smart enough to see the signs to RUN!
I was engaged to a man who owns a hut tub company and gave the illusion that he was successful and financially stable! He was and is not! He’s a con….
Anonymous, I would kill you if I could. Get the hell off this planet. You’re an f*ing ignorant coward.
That was my perfect example of borderline rage. Because that’s how I felt in that moment. I came to this website feeling like I needed some support and encouragement, and instead got an incredible level of derogatory ignorance from “Anonymous,” who doesn’t even know any of the people he’s writing about.
It just so turns out that I, as a borderline, only “rage” at people who feel it’s ok to be rude to me (unprovoked, of course, because I am otherwise the friendliest and most considerate person you’d want to meet). But reading these blog comments made my anger go through the roof, because the last thing I needed today was some ignorant imbecile pounding me down for who he thinks I am. I’m debating whether or not to apologize for what I wrote to that ignorant person…. I do feel badly that it was actually published when I didn’t mean for it to be…. my feelings were very real…. but perhaps I shouldn’t have written them because I actually care about whether I hurt people’s feelings or not — and I don’t want him to end up committing suicide because of something I wrote — you never know — so, Anonymous, I will be the bigger person here and say I’m sorry for that comment on November 9th at 12:33 pm.
Hi Readers,
As a matter of policy, I welcome all comments that are constructive (even critical) of BPD.
BPD is enormously emotional: there are no two ways about it. Sometimes I can’t control myself.
There are people who might understand this and others who don’t.
In any event, I treat this page as a forum for discussion and for expression one’s feelings.
As a general reminder, any hateful, racist, sexist, etc. comments WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
It’s 3:30AM and I’m not quite sure why I’m writing this other than that part of me feels that if I can put it down in words, then I’ll be a little closer to being done with it.
After trying as hard as I could possibly try for several years to stay with my partner who has BPD, after learning more patience and humility than I thought humanly possible, I decided tonight to end this relationship definitively.
I waited a long time before I found my partner.
I’d dated a number of great guys and had long-term commitments with a few. The break-ups were over fairly mundane things — changes in life goals, loss of interest — and were never spectacular. By the time I met my partner, I was in my late 40s and had pretty much decided that my prospects for a life-long relationship were few, and I was, honestly, OK with that. I have lots of interests. I have close friends.
My partner and I had been good, and completely platonic, friends for a number of years. We lived on different coasts, but maintained on-going conversations by email and phone regarding the field we both work in, about books and movies we both enjoyed, current events, etc. Since he was in a long-term relationship, I never gave any hint or indication of how much I’d grown to care for him, and how much I secretly wished I could find someone single like him. I’m not the sort of person who’d ever try to break-up another person’s relationship.
But his relationship ended on its own. Six months later we both happened to be visiting friends in the same city at the same time. One night, we finally had a chance to spend some time together, alone, just talking and laughing and enjoying each other. And, to my amazement, there was that famous moment when we looked at each other and blushed and, one thing leading to another, fell in love.
I never knew it was possible to love another person as deeply as I came to love him.
We had great sexual attraction, and all that hot romantic stuff, but there was a great deal more that I’d never experienced before. A sense of incredibly deep mutual caring that’s impossible to describe in words.
For the first time in my life I felt that I was truly, authentically, loved by someone, and that I truly, authentically knew what it meant to love someone else.
And then the trouble began.
Toward the end of our first year together. Flashes of surprising anger, seemingly out of nowhere. I now of course realize that he’d been trying very hard to keep this anger under control, but couldn’t do so indefinitely.
And these flashes of anger gradually turned into full-on red-faced screaming rages that would last for hours, and were caused be seemingly arbitrary insignificant things.
And gradually these rages became focused on me.
Invariably, I had done something wrong — a gesture, a tone of voice, a failure to respond quickly enough to a question, whatever — and it was never, ever, anything I’d done consciously or intentionally to cause frustration, hurt feelings, or anger.
Most everyone here knows how this plays out.
At first, I would always apologize. But my being apologetic and my trying to reach out and understand what was going on only made him angrier.
And then came the crazy tirade of humiliating, degrading, dehumanizing insults and criticisms.
It was as though he’d spent endless hours giving serious thought to coming up with things he knew would hurt me the most, things I could never possibly forget.
And then came, as you can all probably guess, my attempts at “setting boundaries.” Which were useless.
I tried so hard to remain calm and level-headed and make reasonable limits for when and where, tolerable and intolerable. They ended in failure.
A request, for example, that we “take a break from each other for a couple of hours” until “things were calmer” would elicit even louder yelling and even nastier insults. I can’t count the number of times I drove for hours and hours around the city, sometimes until dawn, just to get away from my partner’s marathon rage.
Of course it wasn’t all like this. There were fairly long stretches when he was the gentlest, most caring, thoughtful, demonstrative, funny, and all-around adorable guy anyone could ever hope to meet. He was absolutely wonderful.
But the rage inevitably returned.
And the one thing that haunts me, even troubles me in a way more deeply than the hurtful insults and criticisms, is how the rage always returned *precisely* at those times when we seemed to have made real, solid, honest-to-goodness progress.
Which is what made it all the more destructive.
It was as if he, or his illness, or both — and at this point, frankly, I no longer care about making any distinctions between my partner and his illness — couldn’t bear to live without the rage, couldn’t, in fact, survive without it.
And I want to say this. I have to say this. I really, truly love him. I know this is true. I know this is a fact. I love him. I love the person he is apart from and beyond his anger.
And I have to say this, too, because it breaks my heart. Because it will always break my heart.
A few months ago he had one of his episodes. Completely out of nowhere. And it wasn’t one of his more dramatic bridge-burning flame outs. But it was still pretty bad. And I was tired.
I was so tired, so full of despair, that I couldn’t do anything more than go out to the garage and sit in an old chair and try to organize my thoughts about what I was going to do with my life, because the life I was living was impossible.
And all of a sudden my partner very quietly came into the garage and found another old chair and sat down beside me and took my hand and very softly pressed it to his chest. And I could feel his heart pounding.
And he started to cry and he said to me, “Look, I know I’m crazy. I know I’ve got problems. But I love you so much. I love you with all my heart. You are the most precious thing in the world to me. Please, please don’t leave. Please.”
I will never forget that moment. Ever.
Because things did get better for a while. And then, suddenly, they stopped getting better. And I tried with everything that’s within me to make things work. I tried because I love him so much.
This is a hard story to tell.
So, tonight. Until tonight we’d had about seven weeks without rage. Seven solid weeks of not just getting along OK, but extremely well, by any standard.
And tonight, out of nowhere, the rage returned.
One minute we were talking and laughing and having a good time, and the next minute he was storming around the house, hollering and yelling some of the worst, the cruelest, the ugliest things he’s ever said to me.
But this time, something was different. In me.
My heart rate didn’t increase. My mouth didn’t go dry. My mind didn’t start racing with possible ideas and strategies for containing the situation or calming my partner down or for “setting boundaries.”
I looked at my partner and I heard a voice in my head say, “I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. But I can’t do this anymore.”
For as much as all that is honest and earnest and moral in me hates the idea of being dishonest with my partner, I’m not going to tell him about my decision.
Tonight I started to take solid, practical steps, laying the groundwork for ending our relationship. Over the next several weeks, I will put everything in place so that, materially at least, we will both be on solid ground for my departure.
I won’t pretend that this isn’t like a death. It is a death. I’m going to lose someone whom I love with all my heart. And I’m going to lose this person forever.
He’ll still be alive, of course.
But I will have to live with regret for however long it may last, which may be forever. I don’t know that it’s possible to ever get over a loss like this.
I will always remember how wonderful it was to love him when he wasn’t angry.
I can do all the necessary practical stuff I need to do for ending our relationship. Like finding another job. Another place to live. Making sure my partner’s professional life and finances won’t be needlessly disrupted by my departure. All of it.
What I don’t know how to do is let go of him. In my heart. Surrender. Give up. Just let him go.
I know I will lose a large part of whatever it is we mean by “hope” when I leave.
I never expected to love anyone as much as I love him, so I don’t know how to stop loving him, or forget what I feel for him, or just let it slip away forever.
Hi Long Good-Bye,
Wow - what a touching story. It’s clear that you gave the relationship everything you could, despite the vile BPD rages. You must be a very tolerant, patient person: most people can’t deal with 1 or 2, let alone multiple rages every couple of months.
BPD is sort of like a case of Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hide. Sometimes you’re with the most amazing person in the world, sometimes you’re with the most vitriolic, hateful person in the world.
Given that you’ve be so understanding for so long, I think it’s good that you’ve decided to move on. It’s not your job to put up with endless rages: it’s really his job to seek treatment and improve.
As someone with BPD, that’s hard for me to say, because we like to blame others - but he [your partner] will realize that out-of-control emotions and hurtful words cost him the most valuable person in his life.
Wow the OP hit the nail on the head. I am going through a slow simmer that has been building for weeks now and try as I might the constant ruminating over my recent rejection won’t go away, it’s just increasing. I am not in a relationship and I live alone so I am glad i won’t explode on anyone close to me. I don’t know how to get rid of it and the only thing that I can think to fix it is hurting myself or drinking. I’ll try to write a letter and see if that helps.
I am dating someone for a little less than a year who I believe had BPD. He rages. He just started therapy. He is currently is “raging”. I am looking for someway to help him come down from his episodes. Is there anything I can do? How long do these things last? He was triggered off on Saturday, it is now Tuesday.
Also, can therapy “cure” this? What can I expect for any long term outcome and how long might this take for him to stop being controlling and stop raging?
I love him dearly as do my kids. I would like him to remain in our lives but do fear that triggers will never end. I am hoping they do and that with help, he can stop triggering.
Are there any forums where spouses can get help handling rages?
To all people that suffer from this disorder. I have read that getting in touch with childhood pains and fears can cure this. What are your thoughts? Have you tried this consistently? Does it help?
I have BPD. I live with it every day, or i feel like dying because of it..most days. I have have been married for four years, the man i live with has got so much good in him. He has so many good qualities and yet when i loose my temper which has been starting to happen more and more often and i forget every positive feeling i have towards him. now i am at a loss of what to do. I am an honors student in college, i get along well with friends and workmates adn when i come home i spill my coffee or rip my clothes in rage i bang on the wall and i kick my feet as if i was a two year old. and i actually do have a two year old daughter who i love and adore and i am a great mom(everybody sees that)i laugh with her, play with her, and take the best possible care of her, but with my spouse i loose it, and it never happens when he is not around. I scare my daughter when i act outrages, and i dont want her to see her mother who she knows as a good person, because i have no bpd symptoms when i am just with her, all of a sudden act like a child younger than herself. i am embarrassed adn ashamed and yet i loose control so quickly that i act rediculous and then for the next day i will still be ultra sensitve, negative, sad, and depressed now because i feel so guilty about my behavior.
i have been in therapy for the last 8 years of my life (imm only in my low 20s. and i do think it is true that we do not change. well maybe i would, if i changed my whole life around, but i can never get a new mother or father or siblings and so my life will remain pretty much the same.
how sad to think that a person who is caring, intelligent and creative all of a sudden becomes a helpless baby. i believe it is possible to change that, but i havent had too much success with that.
i dont think you should go into a relationship with a borderline if you dont know enough about the person and their behaviors and willingnes to change before hand.
i got my man trapped in a horrible place, where i cause him pain, even though i really really really do not want to.
This is the first time I’ve written on a forum for BPD, I’m trying to come to terms with things more at the moment.
I change from feeling worthless, to deserving of love to being completely detached and not really knowing what I want or deserve. I have just come out of a hectic relationship, it has taken a long time for me to realise at any point that getting myself in a mess was my own doing and not everyone else who was close to me. This isn’t always something I embrace though, but at the moment I am. 6 years of fundamentally the same cycle of mistakes. Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault and I can’t cope with the guilt, sometimes I feel determined and motivated that I will rise above the situation that my parents and or partner and others had gotten me into. Sometimes I just don’t care about things, I don’t want to be around anyone, I don’t want anyone close to me, if someone tries to hug me to comfort me I feel smothered. That’s often when I feel most suicidal.
Feeling hurt is awful but it is something to focus on, someone to be angry at. Feeling guilt is unbearable but again a pain that can be focused on and there is an outlet for it - yes harmful - whether it’s hurting myself or venting anger. Feeling confused and detached and alone is the worst feeling, nothing to look forward to, nobody else to blame for your mistakes, seeing no potential in yourself because you keep making the same mistakes and you don’t know why.
Everything is an extreme, whether it’s kept inside or expressed outwardly, I guess that’s why everything has to be balanced out with a numb-ness. I’ve never felt intimately close to someone whilst having sex or anything sexual. I am female so people tend to assume I’m some sort of alien if they find this out, but this is the most basic way of me getting across the point. I crave to be close to someone, to share that intimacy, but I never feel it, I almost feel like I’m being sold-short. If you tell people this that you’re in a relationship with then they tend to take this personally, I told my ex and had it thrown back in my face on so many occasions. Do other people feel the same? Can that feeling change to feel close to someone? Is it me or is it just that I haven’t found the right person?
There are some very bitter Non’s out there. I understand that many of you have had terrible experiences with someone who had (or possibly had) BPD. You’re certainly entitled to your feelings and your anger; just remember that your anger stems from an individual and not everyone who is diagnosed with BPD.
Obviously no one expects the Non to do all the work. That’s ridiculous. Both partners need to be willing to work together and work on themselves. It doesn’t make sense for one person to put in all the effort while the other person does nothing. I also think its dead wrong to tell those with BPD that they are heartless, satanic or cruel beyond repair. People with BPD can and have been treated with success. Does that mean they’ll be cured of hyper-sensitivity or rages? Maybe not, but they can develop skills to make these intense emotions far more manageable.
I still experience intense emotions and Depression. Yet I no longer self-injure or engage in risky behavior. I don’t destroy property (which isn’t something I did a lot of to start with) and I don’t hurt mean insults or pick nasty fights with friends and loved one. (Such occurrences were extremely rare regardless; I’ve always been a “quiet” borderline.”)
For the Non’s who are not related to the BPD’ers they were involved with; YOU TOO HAVE A PROBLEM. Perhaps you have co-dependency issues or a martyr complex. Maybe you liked the drama or how BPD’er made you feel. Whatever it is, you made the CHOICE to stay with someone who abused you. Please acknowledge that you might possibly be mentally ill in your own way. Look at yourself and see where you went wrong that you wasted so much of your time with someone you loathe.
Arrrrgh!! My daughter has decided she doesn’t need her meds, She says im the nutty one- i’m the one that needs meds. I’m starting to think she is right! She will make me mad at this rate. 2 weeks ago she drank a bottle of calpol, she took from the locked box where I store all the meds. The keys for this box are well hidden, she prised it open with a knife.I can’t keep paracetamol pills in the house- she eats them like sweeties if she is in a down mood. She is super impulsive!! When she realised the calpol wasnt enough, she locked herself in the bathroom and drank some bleach. The resulting call to 999 included me telling the operator she used a knife to open the box etc etc. An ambulace was dispatched….along with 3 police cars and a van. 8 officers spilled their way into my house. Boots thumping, radios blaring. Followed quickly by the paramedics from the aforementioned ambulance.
They debated whether or not to take her to A&E. She has just turned 16, and this was her first trip to an adult hospital. Through my tears I explained this was the 12th time in 2 years she had done this kind of thing. They decided she might get some help a litter faster going to A&E.
I’m well versed in this self-harm scenario- its an auto pilot drill for me.Call hospital, grab the ready packed (but hidden) bag of clothes etc, drive 20 mins to peadiatric unit, hand over to docs. I thought i’de be able to keep her safe if I hid the pills. This night it was like a punch in the face, a reality shock, that I can’t. I felt like all my sleepless nights and knots of stress were fruitless. I wasn’t crying because of what she did, but i now know I can’t keep her safe from herself and her own mind. It terrifies me, and breaks my heart.
She has had 2 good days of high, but reasoably happy mood. And now the crash. I’m so so tired. Nothing changes much. It’s like sitting on a scarey rollercoaster, the safety bar comes down and you’re trapped. Stuck on a ride you can’t get off!
I’m going to have a busy few days with her. Its like a well thumbed script. I can just about timetable it to the hour. I can’t hide everything she can harm with- so im going to have to wish for a miracle to pass over her.
I know everyone living with or dealing with BPD has their own struggles, and I know there is really nothing anyone can do to help except listen.
I will manage- I always do. I’m just here to vent and rant safely. To clear my head for the storm brewing!
Thank you for listening x
I suffer with BPD as well and my anger outbursts have been a major problem for a little while now. They seem to be getting worse. I do the same thing that other spoke of here; I am great one minute, telling my boyfriend how it’s going to be a great day and there’s nothing to worry about, then BAM! Something happens, something so small, and within a split second I am in this fit of rage. I become like a whole other person. I am uncontrollable, even for myself and it drives me insane. I still have this little piece inside my mind while I’m going through that, that’s like watching myself and saying “What are you doing!?” But I just can’t stop. It’s too scary to stop…I don’t want to be vulnerable and it’s like I feel this overwhelming need to protect myself with the anger. Then, like others, I hurt myself because I hate myself so much for being that way, feeling that way, and for hurting others so badly.
Hi Angel,
Your story is so familiar to me, but from the other side. It’s so hard to watch someone with BPD suffer, yet its so hard not to want to walk away! I hope you have alot of support in helping you deal with the problems BPD throws at you.
Good luck :0)
So, I ask myself, “What is it about me that stays in a relationship where I am emotionally abused. No need for details, we all know the stories being married to BPD. Is it hope that I stay? I heard one time that “hope kills.” Is it possible that the wonderful woman that I feel in love with isn’t real either? Is the good side too good and not realistic, just as the rages aren’t real? I’ve also learned that denial is not just pretending, it is the inability to accept life because by doing so the pain will be too much to handle. Maybe it is not only the BPD that live in denial, it is their partners also.
So I ask myself, “What is it about me that puts up with the abuse? Especially after 20 years of “recovery” from alcoholism and ACOA issues. One thing that I do know is that my recovery comes first and I have begun to see the long slow process of pretending the rages don’t hurt jeopardize my emotional sobriety, which is one step closer to the thinking of “screw it” and that is a dangerous place for me.
You have BPD and this entire blog is about making an excuse for yourself instead of working on yourself and controlling your infantile *[redacted]* 9/21/2011, hateful, inappropriate comment.
In response to your comment, BPDpeoplesuck, you either have been a involved for someone with this illness- it sure is hard to understand and tolerate, or your completly ignorant to how mental health issues affect sufferers. Whilst I agree that the patient with a personality disorder must make the effort to help themselves, there is NO quick fix, NO medicines to take and there are few words, certainly not ”please kill youself” that can remedy the situation.
If you dont like it, cant deal with it, nor wish to educate youself on the matter- you should consider avoising reading or posting about it?
:0)
BPD does indeed ‘’suck” for everyone involved with it!
Um I dont ever say hurtful things I just freak out and cry and hurt myself and wack my head on everything like im possesed..and I cant.control myself, at those tiime I wuld do anything to die but I always hold back, lucky, Is that a borderline rage?
Also.. My partner is never helpful like he dusnt care he gets angry.at me.wen im sad n says.hurtful things n when I have my rage he ignores me and I really need.help, but then he starts yelling at me calling me hurtful names…. He says I pretend, put ot all on for attention. And that drives me insane…
I just love the comments from people who cannot handle being with a BPD person. If you are that weak, maybe you should just take yourself out of the dating pool altogether. Weed out the weak, so to speak. Leave the strong people for the rest of us please. Nobody likes a dud for a partner.
Hi Anon,
You’re partner probably cant’t fathom whats going on during this kind of ‘rage’. It’s very difficult to support a person with BPD. It is ‘attention seeking’ but a kind of attention that needs help and support. It can be controlled, but it will take alot of work on your part and your partner needs to learn why it happens, if you are to stay together.
I have dealt with several mental health disorders, but a personality disorder if by far the most complex to comprehend.
Your doctor should be able to refer you onto a Mental Health team who can support you and help you learn ways to control your behaviours.
And to Kazza- BPD sufferers need support in dealing with their condition. I doubt isolating anyone is a positive thing to do. Although I think if a relationship is to become long term, BPD should be discussed early on. The difficulty arises because two of the main symptoms of BPD are an inability to regulate emotions and an intense fear of being alone.
I would find it difficult to live with a BPD partner, but I do live with my BPD child. Its a roller coaster- tho never a dull moment!
Unfortunatly, there are no medications to cure this condition. But there are dilect and diversion therapies to help.
Critisizing, nagging and negative input is most definatly the worst way to approach BPD
:0)
Here is a letter I received from my brother in law….pete. His son moved out at 15 dropped out of HS and is living with his girslfriend. Pete my Brother in law doesnt even know he has BPD and has raged at us for the lst 23 years. His brother,my husband is finished and cant take ll of the lies….he keeps sending us threatening emails….all we did was send $130 dollars so his son could go tot he prom and occasional clothes….this is just the last of the emails…I find it threatening and this person colects guns although he is out of prison for interrrupting a 911 call when he was raging. what do we do….
Danny ,holly I WILL SEE YOU THIS SUMMER REGARDIND my son, P.S. I have heard what has gone on with you 2 and OUR SON.. PS Mom & Dad told me to tell you NOT TO COME TO THERE HOUSE (EVER) , they do not want to see you. Mom asked me to E mail you because her computer does not work , she said she tried. Mom has asked me to change her will she does not want anything she owns to go to you and your BITCH wife.. Here words. I missed the last 2 attorney appointments, ask Afele.. Dan what happened to you?? Dan Who do you think you are ???? holly Who do you think you are??? Do you really think I am a bad dad?? Do you think that Darlene is a bad mom, Do you ever think that my son did these things to him self and do you think that you 2 are smarter that the 4 counslers that we took Dallas to or the 2 hospitals he was admitted to our the 4 shirrefs that took my son away in handcuffs.. Dan you do not have the surrpot of the people you think you did, we have not changed but you have for the worst. KEEP COUNTING YOUR MONEY, THAT IS ALL YOU GOT Dan I am with Tommy and Abel on a weekly bases , so quit thinking that you mean shit ,Dan, they know what is going on all the time.. You have no right with what you are doing to us all, go far far away PLEASE, HOLLY FUCK OFF BITCH.. I PRAY I NEVER EVER SEE YOU AGIN IN THIS LIFE TIME.. David ,me and you are in trouble.. Stay away from my son , NOBODY THAT YOU LOVE AGREES WITH WHAT YOU ARE DOING Dan your mother wants to leave her home and go away because you are coming to town. That is what I told her I have wanted to do for the last 10 years that you moved to our town.
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I have to walk on eggshells. Everything I do and say is twisted and I’m the bad guy. I’m blamed for everything that is wrong. It’s so bad that my apartment is broken into. I stop communicating, but family is forever. Things settle down for awhile and counseling is sought, but then the raging starts again. Should I be afraid? I’m a little afraid! Advice?
I just ended a year and a half relationship with my BPD boyfriend. I did not know he was BPD until about a year in and I slowly put the puzzle together on my own. He was and still is an exceptional person but I could not tolerate the emotional blow-outs and degrading statements that followed. I also was very turned off by his need for constant affirmation and regressive behavior which I later learned was kind of a weird way that BPDs try to secure love. The bottom-line with him was that he was wonderful, exceptionally talented, intelligent and handsome but I realized that the deeper issue was this was a man that could not take care of himself and tried on many occasions to shift that responsibility to me.
I broke it off in hopes that placing limitations on the behavior I would accept would drive to seek help. I discussed with him many times the characteristics of BPD and asked that he consider it. He did listen and is now in therapy and being treated for BPD.
For those of you who have been hurt I feel your pain. Honestly, it sucks and just does not make sense to us why they do what they do. Why our love just seems to be washed away with the next emotional spat. Why our dedication is never enough. Why they seem to be searching for something to fill the void and become disillusioned with us when we can’t provide it. Why…? Because it’s an illness that hurts not just us but them as well. It hurts many of us because we see the person underneath and want them to thrive. It hurts because we are not living in a reciprocal relationship. It hurts because it does not make sense to us.
Invest time and understanding and determine what is right for you. Do not stay if you are causing damage to yourself and/or the BPD in your life. We all have limitations don’t ignore your feelings. It maybe the most loving thing you can do for the BPD in your life.
Only now do I recognize that my ex has BPD. Spending years with someone with this disease gives you a skewed view of others who are “targeting” your BPD spouse until you become the source of their unhappiness because they have run out of people to blame for their problems. If you recognize that you have BPD and are getting help, I commend you. However, the majority only believe that everyone else is the problem. Getting out has made me see how wonderful life is without the constant anger and depression. If it is negatively affecting your quality of life and happiness… run for the hills. Life is about joy, not anger.
The most frustrating part is ignorant doctors. Yesterday during a grill out someone moved a big heavy whiskey bottle I had kept to fill with shells on top of my fridge. I didn’t know and jerked the door open as usual. It came down with force on my head. I didn’t think much of it other than the headache and bad mood it caused. This morning I couldn’t see out of my right eye, panic and hostility started building and building up. Then my father shows up to once again tell me how stupid it was to have it on the fridge (yeah I’m awarebof that now can he tell it to whoever put it up there), then my husband who is supposed to care that I’m depending on to drive me to the doctor decides to work on a motor with my dad in ky garage despite my repeatitive 3 hours of saying my head and eye hurts I need to go to the doctor. Finally I snapped and started screaming shut up shut up shut the f*** up. At that dad finally left and I got a long loud lecture on my ride go the doctors. My head throbbing, making him aware of this a few hundred times and instead of the decency of quite or concern of head trauma I got lectured because they are tired of my outburst. By this point if moods could emit temperature the paint would have melted off the walls around me. The nurse finally called my name after 20 minutes in which my husband had gone to the truck to whine go my dad about having to amuse me by taking me go the doctor. The nurse was nice asked what brought me there and I told her. Confirmed I still take adhd meds, bipolar meds, anything else? Yeah alieve d cause my nose was stuffed ans pressure was horrible I was told doctor would be in shortly. During this time I see a threat on a button and take my hostility out on it trying to contain my anger and place it only at the cause of it. The button came off. Great now I’m showing cleavage. Oh I forgot to mention I habe 2 visible tattoos and a tiny nose stud. The doctor finally walked in and didn’t even pick up the chart when he eyeballed my tat let out a sigh of discuss and said if I was there for pain pills he couldn’t help me. At this point I keep my voice as calm as I can and let him know drugs aren’t my concern I’m in pain but want the problem fixed so it won’t require drugs. From across the room he flashed his light across one eye the one that is all red where the white is supposed to be and told me I was high and he couldn’t help me if I was hurt go to the e.r. or he would call the police. Yup I lost it right then and there DEMANDED that he call the police and get me a dam cup and for him to expect me to shove it up his ass when it shows I take nothing that doesn’t have my name on the bottle, I have no clue how to fake a blood filled eyeball or goose egg on my head and he had best find a new career cause he was too stupid to be a doctor and couldn’t diagnose someone from across the room without looking at their chart even if he is delusional enough to think he knows everything. Well the nurse who actually knows my case history and works with him enough to know him pulled him out of the room and checked my eye for debris. She wrote up an order for mri and told him to sign it because if not and I do have a concision or internal bleeding and decide to sue him she will feel obligates to testify that he declined ordering a test that could save my life. As of right now, I still. Can’t see, arm has gone numb and ear is ringing 6 hours later and I’m still waiting for my husband and dad to decide if they are ever taking me to the hospital over my fabricated injury that is visible from a distance because at 37 years of age I can’t be trusted with any sense to let anyone other than them drive the car I paid for to take me to the hospital for an mri that might make them have to admit they were wrong and I really did have a half gallon bottle of rum fall off the fridge onto my head without breaking or causing me to blackout. Great I have blood where tears usually come out. Then again maybe they are hoping I die and it won’t be their fault since they didn’t cause the injury, afterall my rage is obviously the problem and reason everyone hates me and assumes that a tattoo and tantrum means I am a dopehead despite countless tests every month and every time I go to the doctor that prove I’m not.
I would like to say that I got here because I was searching for some explaination,as to why I’m not happy,and can’t seem to have a normal life.I’ve had my share of problems as I am sure all of you have.My life started out fairly normal.As a child I lived in a fairly nice house,normal parents that cared for my sisters and I.I started to see a few things changing there with some arguing,and drinking on my fathers part.Then came the divorce,and we had to move around alot because our mom was trying to raise us by herself with no child support.She started going out to bars with friends,I guess to forget about everything she was going through.That’s where she met the new man in our lives.Thats when my life became a living hell.I went through years of emotional,verbal,and some physical abuse,as well as my mom.They are still married,and he has changed alot.I said all that to lead up to the fact that I have always been the peacekeeper in our family trying to smooth out all the problems so everyone would get along,but here lately I’m not doing so well at keeping myself under control.I’ve had alot going on financially,and with my Marine son who seems to have forgotten who his family is,and the lack of respect,and problems he is bringing into our family.With that being said I’ve been flying off the handle so to speak,and threatning to hurt people bad,if they don’t leave me alone.I have holes in my walls where I have gotten so angry I have to punch something until the pain of feeling rejected,and the feeling of wanting some form of satisfaction subsides enough for me to control myself.When I am that angry I feel like I could turn a truck over with hardly any effort.I am 6′ tall and weigh about 200.The last time I got that angry,I put my fist all the way through my bedroom wall and didn’t realize I had cut my arm until my wife told me I was bleeding.I scared my wife and daughter,because of my rage,although I have never even thought about hurting any of my family when I am like that.I don’t believe in a man hitting a woman or child.I have just been trying to figure out why I blow up the way I do.I dont want to be put on some drug to make me feel detached from all feeling and emotion,but I need to address the problem headon.Thanks David
Hi David,
It sounds like you’re having a bit of a rough time. But things can get better!
Firstly, if you haven’t had a diagnosis of BPD you should see your doctor, and ask for a psychiatric assessment (UK)If you have already been diagnosed, you can ask for a referral for Dialect Behavioural Therapy. In my experience, medicines make little difference to BPD. Although, some people do benefit from anti-depressant pills during the early stages of diagnosis.
Learning coping techniques, to deal with the rapid ups and downs of the mood swings will help you gain better control over your emotions. Being able to talk and express how you feel will help you internalise the condition.
I want to add here I am not medically trained, my experience of dealing with BPD comes from living with the stresses and drama it brings, through family members.
Good Luck, you can survive this! :0)
Dang. The fact that this is STILL getting comments…we really need an active BPD recovery community. Why are there so few of those? Some of us are trying the hardest we can to recover, and support from people who understand would be amazing. Seems like all the other disorders have carved out their recovery niches on the internet, why haven’t we?
I have been married to a BPD for over 20 years. First event happened about 2 weeks after the marriage. I am a soldier, I have been through combat in Afghanistan and other areas. I am a blackbelt in karate and I can tell you, facing combat is less frightening than a BPD you love in rage. You cannot say anything or do anything during the rage except protect yourself. The rage can last up to days.
If you attempt to leave, it can get very nasty. If you stay within striking range, beware you may may get hit or even hurt. Establish a rule that if you are physically assaulted, immediately leave and then go file a police report without the BPD knowing that is where you are going.
I have been through extensive therapy to ensure I was not nuts and to learn to NEVER argue with a BPD, which is just about impossible. Even if you sit stone quiet, it can escalate. Understand, you cannot control it or change, nor can they.
The comparison to the Satanic, evil scenario written by others above is true and, if the event was videotaped, you would say Hollywood could never replicate it. It is more than humiliating; it is extremely emotionally painful.
You have to make a choice to either stay in the relationship and try to help the person the best you can or get out. If you stay in, realize that you are in for one hell of a ride and I mean hell. Ensure you are not staying in it because you are co-dependent. If co-dependent, seriously get help first and then make a decision.
I have lost many things in my life for this person I love and have had to learn to accept the losses. Trust me, they are huge and the BPD will always find a way for you to be blamed. You cannot win this argument either. They are masters of remembered hurts, whether slight or major.
Trust me, I hate the pain endured by the BPD rages. It hurts to the core, but when my BPD becomes the way they do, I turn them and their behavoir over to the Lord and tell him he has to deal with it because I have done my level best. This works for me. I hope it will for any of you that go through this hell.
Dear Admin,
I am confused. In post #37 from yourself, you state that “As a general reminder, any hateful, racist, sexist, etc. comments WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.”
However, after I read post #49 from “BPDPeoplesuck”, which states “You have BPD and this entire blog is about making an excuse for yourself instead of working on yourself and controlling your infantile bullshit. Please kill yourself.”
Personally, I feel that this comment is the very definition of a hateful comment. This person is advocating for BPD suferers to kill themselves!
As a sufferer from BPD who feels more remorse and self-hate for every single emotional outburst I have taken out on others than anyone will ever understand, and has worked extremely hard on her recovery for 9 years, and has had previous suicide attempts, I do not understand why such a hateful, destructive comment has been allowed to stay on this forum.
A comment like this, viewed by a deeply suffering individual, could potentially trigger them to harm themselves.
If you could please explain to me how this comment is anything BUT hurtful, I would appreciate that.
As a side note, the name “BPDPeoplesuck” is hurtful in and of itself.
Thank-you for your time
Hello Kate,
You make some very good points. Originally, I wrote a discrimination clause for comments that were globally prejudicial and bigoted. For example, someone espousing white supremacy, hate towards a certain ethnic group, etc.
I read that comment you are referring to and tried to balance the poster’s right to express himself/herself against this blog’s stated regulations against hateful remarks. At the time, I thought it would be better to err on the side of free expression opposed to censorship.
In the wake of recent news regarding cyber bullying and teen suicide (Visit CNN.com and do a cursory search) I have now decided to edit that comment.
To be sure, I believe in freedom of expression; but I also believe in constructive thoughts that are not hurtful towards others. As a sufferer of BPD myself, sometimes even the slightest common can throw me into a depression for hours or even days. There are better ways to phrase a comment meant to challenge those with BPD to get better aside from asking them to take their own lives.
Wow..these comments are just so sad! I feel for the BPD sufferers as well as the spouses and families. This truly is a disorder that affects more than the diagnosed. I have a few questions, I beleive that my husband may have BPD. He already has ADHD. In the last year he has raged about 5 times and has seriously damaged himself and the house. What I want to know is this….do BPD really black out during these rages? Why do BPD seem to want sympathy afterward or desire to “show off” their hurts (broken bones from rages etc), and most importantly can BPD rages that have always been controlled around the children eventually turn to include them? Presently they only happen towards me (which means he has some element of control) and not the kids. He is actually an amazing Dad to them but I’m scared for the life they may lead…I’m not able to shelter them from this anymore. Can anyone advise me? I know I need to leave to protect my kids…what do you believe is my reality with a BPD life and how does BPD affect him when it comes to working out custody and access? Can this hinder him? Can I request supervised visits? Please help. Not sure what this all means…my kids can not suffer.
There are so many heartbreaking posts here. I am a BPD who just flew into a rage yesterday with someone whom I have feelings for. I was hopeful for a relationship in the future, but I have little hope now. I want to apologize so bad, but I feel so defeated. I fought off the insecurity for so long and controlled the fear, hurt, and anger. I just could take it anymore and snapped. I am just so disgusted in myself. I feel so defeated. I think he understands it was the BPD and not me. I want him to love me. I want him to understand. I hate who I am when the rage takes over. It isn’t me. I deeply regret what I do or say when it happens. To those of you that think that people with BPD don’t feel remorse or regret, you are so wrong.
For those of you in relationships with BPDs and you want to try and make it work, I suggest looking at http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com. As a BPD I have found this to be one of the least hurtful websites. There is so much hate and misunderstanding regarding BPD. Unfortunately even many mental health professionals hold highly stigmatized views of people with BPD. The owner of this website has a wife and daughter with BPD. As someone with BPD I find it very comforting that someone who loves the BPDs in their life has taken the time to truly love, understand, and have compassion. It gives me a little hope. From the reviews I have read by people who have used the techniques on this website it seems to help nons who want to stay in the relationship and not just run like many advise. I am sorry if I sound like an advertisement, I am just so sick of people who advise to run and the lack of compassion and real hope for both the non and BPD in a relationship. It is just so so sad.
I have BPD and it’s a bitch, I must say for myself and others at times. I have found the steps in recovery (AA)(NA etc) have helped very much with the anger issues. However, there are always gonna be times when I blow my cork. This is a hard fact to accept. Sometimes when I feel myself going over the top, I get alone to regroup and meditate on all those things I have learned over the years to make my life better and others lives better. What bothers me is someone that continues to poke at me like a rabied dog or snake and then become dumbfounded when I blow. It’s like DON’t ANTAGONIZE THE MENTALLY ILL!!!! Personally, I fair better being single but am always hoping I can find someone who understands me like looking at a child that never got to throw a temper tantrum, ever!! It also helps for people I am taking my rage out on to intelligently put me in my place, Or just get away from me. Believe me, the constant headaches of trying to remain calm is hard and we should be prayed for alot. Thank you.
The best thing to do for too many of these BPD rages with guys is to literally beat the fucking shit out of them. It works, too.
I live with a BPD female. As my name says, I’m really sick of it. I always thought that anyone with PTSD should GET TREATMENT. Whatever the cause (abuse, combat related, unspecified), bless your heart , I sympathize. But DONT use this as an excuse to be a pain in the ass to everyone else that you will ever meet for the rest of your life. You have no right to do that. As for my spouse, if I even DARED mention BPD and that she should get professional help, she would make me regret it for the rest of my life. We’re both in our upper 50’s. I can’t afford to go off on my own, divide my entire worth in half and survive unless I live in a cardboard box.
BTW, she has had trouble with all her jobs, with conflicts with co-workers OR her boss and has been demoted more than once, so I know it’s not just my imagination. Can you see the anger in some of these posts? Those who live with BPD sufferers, in my opinion suffer MORE than the “sufferers”. I don’t necessarily agree with some comments (kill yourself, etc.) but I understand the source of the anger.
So many of the stories is me suffering from the words that my ex said to me during his rages. None of them sweet and nice. He broke up with me…..why do some bpd have the ability to shut off emotion so quickly and then cycle back and be the most loving? This is hard for me to understand because my feelings for him have remained the same but his emotion is up, down and side ways.
Makes sense now the screaming and crying fits when in grade school. I wouldn’t talk or assault just scream and cry in a fit of uncontrollabe rage and just like today be scared of it spiralling out control. My mom dad and aunt always described me as emotionally needy when little. Mom died when 14 dad left me 2 yrs later haven’t spoken w aunt since younger. Am 32 now.
Of course now I’m older I still scream and cry hurtling my words in attempt to be heard (but still not able to communicate needs fears or feelings). Another thing since youth the terrible feeling of just wanting to disapear to die to get away from your thoughts and from everything ppl done to you and equally what stupid things you’ve done to hurt others. It’s a double edged sword, just perfect to finish you off.
As a newly diagnosed bpd I am being told that managing my emotions are key and that is what I am aiming to do. All I know is how to hurt myself and how to hurt others. Believe me I’ve wanted help to stop the hurting. thought I could help myself if I wanted to. I would try so hard for awhile not wanting to throw fit w significant other but sooner or later it comes out, and then afterwards I feel so bad like a peice of shit. I am currently being told psychotherapy helps bpd. I want to “act” normal and be happy w self and back then bf now dh for 9 yrs. Back when we dated and lived together he bore the brunt of my tangents. My sis wanted me to leave him back then thinking he was the source of my behavior no not me. Took me yrs to realize I was the one being the destructive one which this realization toned down fits but now and then it explodes and even gets me wondering what’s crawled up my ass..any other person would’ve rightly left me. I’m one of the lucky few.
So we have two kids now I gotta control myself. A three yr old and one yr old. Can’t take negative emotions out on kids. I am going to get the help I need to help myself and (hopefully) learn how to handle emotions when under stress. Some ppl might judge me but consider some ppl are compelled to alcohol as some ppl are compelled to destroy themselves in other ways.