Apr
6
Borderlines have a low stress threshold - particularly when it comes to performance events
Filed Under General
I’ve read elsewhere on the web that one aspect of BPD is a low tolerance for stress, emotional, phsyical, or otherwise. This inevitably causes a lot of raw emotions to flare up, and can get in the way of accomplishing tasks that require some degree of dealing with stress.
One example that my inner critic always brings up is performance anxiety (not referring to sexual performance).
During my grammar, high school, and college years I frequently faced experiences that required me to tolerate stress and anxiety. On a few occasions, I was able to make my way through these trials without any problem, but on most occasions I felt like I “choked” or otherwise performed below the abilities I thought I had.
This was most apparent in sports and music.
As I’ve mentioned before, I ran track and cross country in High School and for two years in College. During practice days, I was generally relaxed and focused, particularly if it was a “lite day”. I ran smoothly and strongly, and felt little resistance from my mind or body.
On more difficult days and during races, however, things were quite different. Typically the hours before races were highly nerve wracking. I felt afraid of performing poorly or disappointing my coaches or myself. As a result, I held myself to high expectations and felt as if every race was pivotal life event. If my team was down in points and it was up to me to make a difference in my respective race, I felt even more nervous and even nauseous on occasions. Many times, I simply vomitted before races and vomitted after races because I was so uptight.
Obviously this sense of anxiety and stress caused me to not achieve as highly as I thought I would, and it seemed to mystify coaches. On race days, it seemed like they were coaching an entirely different person compared to practice days.
Most importantly, feeling all this stress gets in the way of “rising to the occasion” and being “a performer”. Teammates who dogged practices, or didn’t appear to be able to match me would routinely beat me in races. It seemed like they had some special super power that somehow enabled them to turn in great performances after the gun fired, even if they were unable to run with me on practice days. This mental psyche-out also baffled and upset me.
The same could be said for music, although I generally was slightly more successful during musical performances compared to athletic performances.
In the practice room I was focused and relaxed. I could work my way through difficult musical passages without much trouble. Usually any attempts at playing recital materials went well and I did not feel troubled.
But actually performing in front of other people (and performing with others in an ensemble or solo) gave me intense anxiety to the point that sometimes I’d ultimately flop horribly and disappoint those around me and myself in particular. Again, my music teachers would be mystified and weren’t sure what was going on.
I remember my last solo performance in College very clearly. It was after I was diagnosed with depression (but before BPD). I was playing a fairly difficult piece of music, but nothing beyond my capabilities. In practice it seemed to go fine.
Instead, when I stepped up to the stage, I was nervous and shakey. I started off ok, but suddenly stumbled on a few musical passages. Suddenly, I lost my place and was unable to recover. I couldn’t even jump back in. My accompanist, a great piano player chugged along, hoping I’d be able to recover. Unfortunately I didn’t. In front of a moderately sized crowd I simply started making up music and stumbled my way through until the end.
My accompanist stormed off the stage and had nothing to say. I quietly crawled back to my practice room and cried and was extremely embarassed. I simply left the recital hall and returned to my dorm room. Later that semester, I would simply drop trumpet lessons altogether in the wake of being diagnosed with BPD and the mounting pressures I created in my life from college academics and problem gambling.
The event that inspired this blog post was very recent. While I was listening to a jazz radio program, one of the radio hosts was interviewing a great saxophone player. The host asked the saxophonist what even inspired him to become a professional saxophone player. Without hesitation, the player recounted an elementary school music recital where he was called upon to play some music. He stated that as he stepped to the stage and began to play, he felt a huge rush swell over him. He knew from that moment on that performing gave him a great high.
To be honest, I’ve felt this rush before too, but on very vew occasions. Most of the time, performing music, athletics, and even important academic tests (SAT, finals etc) gave me great anxiety and nervousness. To this day, I still can’t figure out a way to stepup and outdo myself, instead of under perform compared to the music practice room or athletic field.
As a result, I haven’t played the trumpet or run a race in a few years. In some ways it has taken a load off, but in others, I regret the fact that I let these pursuits go.
Guess I’m a mutated one eh, I’m always very stressfu(literally, like all the time), except when I perform on stage(drama, dance and music performance only). That’s the only time I feel liberated from all my emotional pain and emotional emptiness. But exams, sports and even going on subway trains still make me feel really stress and sweaty.