Apr
2
One of the most painful fears for a BPD is abandonment. Taken literally, this can mean abandonment (or loss of) parental, romantic, or companion affections. In a more abstract sense, the BPD may fear a loss of a particular feeling, experience, or idea that can be the result of a traumatic event, unexpected change, or mood swing.
For me, my core abandonment fears revolved around two parties: my parents and my friends.
The potential sense of loss from parental abandonment is strong. At the same time, there are days when I feel nothing but bitterness and anger towards them. This is part of the typical BPD “I hate you, Don’t Leave Me” emotional dichotomy. Fearing loss of parental affections has led me to be jealous of my brothers, act selfish in attempts to gain their attention, and act out in front of them in hopes of proving my desperate need for love.
This need of parental approval stems from early childhood, when one learns right from wrong, what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable, and the general “morals” of the surrounding environment. As one grows up, this need is lessened during adolescence and early adulthood, generally proven by establishing a first job, buying a car, going to college, marriage, or buying a home. In other words, one can prove that he/she doesn’t need to rely on their parents for emotional support because as young adults, they’ve found ways to manage in the world on their own; and for the most part, have forged their own friendships and relationships that provide for their emotional needs.
BPDs, on the other hand, tend to latch on to the emotional aspects of relationships and often make desperate attempts to get the attention of friends, family, or lovers.
On the other side of the coin, I also fear loss of friends. This is generally due to the fact that I don’t make friends easily and tend to spend most of my time with one or two friends. As a result, if an event occurs that might sever the friendship, I feel very lonely and quite literally abandoned because I will no longer have them around.
In my own personal history, this happened once in College when a friend revealed to me on the first day of our Junior year that he would not be returning to school for the year. I was completely shattered. My freshman and sophomore years were difficult socially, and I thought by my junior year that I had worked out a few people that I could connect with. When this one friend suddenly left school, I felt like the sky fell. I had many teary eyed phone calls home and felt lost. I didn’t know what to do.
Eventually, I moved forward and began spending time with others, but the sense of abandonment was so profound that I almost decided to leave school as well.
I’m still trying to figure out ways to deal with this radical emotion when events in my life trigger abandonment fears. I try to remind myself that there are millions of people to meet, and many new and refreshing friendships to be made. My shyness and awkward social skills, however, tend to compound abandonment fears and make me feel as if I am being left for dead.
Looking forward, when the possibility of abandonment arises - by death of loved ones, friends moving, sudden life changes - I will try and remind myself not to over exaggerate my loss. I will try and stay positive and find ways to meet my interpersonal emotional needs by meeting new people, and allowing myself time to heal.
It’s hard being shy with BPD. I also must realize, however, that there will be times when I feel terribly alone, but still other new social opportunities that have yet to be discovered. Abandonment need only be a temporary feeling, not a permanent emotional loss.
I never thought I feared abandoment. Yet I sure have pushed a lot of people away from me in life. I will break us up before you can!!! type of thing. I rarely missed the person I pushed away…until recently. I think I fell in love with anothe “borderline”. It has been 2 years of hell. He will never come back and that is best Im sure but the pain and emptiness is terrible at times…even 2 years later. Know what I mean?
thanks for listening
M