Nov
29
In some research, doctors talk about BPD and the propsensity to have rapdily cycling moods. Put simply: one moment you’re up, the next you’re down. Mood changes can be evident every minute, hour, a few hours, or daily. Sometimes external events, such as an argument, or alternatively, a very happy event, will make the BPD swing one way or the other. Personally, I have a tough time with these mood swings, especially since I am a bit isolated.
For example here is a breakdown of my daily mood swings ( somewhat accurate ):
12:00 PM Wake up - initially sluggish, sleepy, not really interested in the day. Slow to get out of bed and begin the day. I know I should exercise, but I don’t and go right to testing my blood sugar and taking my mental meds.
1:00 PM I’ve finished eating breakfast and showered for the day. My mood is up al little: I think the meds have kicked in and I’m ready to sit down at my computer for a few hours and work. The highlight of my afternoon is always checking my earnings, which lately, haven’t been so great - but I hold out hope for better days.
Along the way I consume 1.2 liters of Diet Coke ( 2 600ml plastic bottles ). This is part of my daily routine and the caffeine gives me an extra boost.
5:00 PM Now I feel down and sluggish again. The caffeine has worn off and my bladder aches because I need to expel all that fake sugar and chemicals from my body. My mind wanders off to negative thoughts: people who have robbed me, past failures, bad relationships, anger, etc.
At this point my eyes become heavy and I get very sleepy and immediately lose all motivation to do any more computer work.
6:00 PM I return to bed for up to a 2 hour nap. When I wake up on the other side, I feel tired, bored, and anxious to eat dinner - just because it will give me something to do.
8:30 PM I begin cooking dinner, and as usual get hung up on being a perfectionist. I try to tune my very modest electric stove to cook the perfect grilled cheese, or if it’s pasta night, to make the pasta soft, but not over cooked. My mood is generally neutral at this time - for the moment cooking distracts me, but I am consumed by trying to be overly efficient and perfectionist.
9:00 PM I put dinner on the table and watch CNN. I almost always watch Anderson Cooper 360, an amazing news show with very intelligent political commentators. Their election coverage on November 4th was unmatched by any other network, and was stunning with the speed at which they predicted the outcome and covered the various speeches. If the news is troubling, I usually feel down. If it is something that doesn’t bother me, I feel indifferent.
10:00 PM - 1:00 AMI watch regular TV after the news. If one of my favorite shows is on, I’m happy and look forward to being entertained for an hour ( especially if the shows are new episodes). I know it may sound pathetic, but since I live alone and don’t go out much, TV is actually a highlight of my day.
If, however, there are no good shows or movies on, I get agitated and feel extremely bored. This feeling gives way to frequent trips back and forth to my computer, where I try to assuage my boredom by randomly browsing the net, with intermittent trips back to the TV to see what might be on later.
If I’m watching late night talk shows, I usually only watch the monologs. The guests usually bore me - I like to hear actual comedy, not some actor promoting his/her new film.
After boredom sets in, the hopelessness and self interogation begins. What am I doing with my life? Why do I feel like Shit all the time? How crappy it is to be stuck in this apartment all day watching? How do I shake this boredom? How can I feel good about myself?
1:30 AM I start my bed time routine, a ritual of oral hygiene and bed time meds. At this point, I actually feel relieved that I’m going to bed, because this gives my mind something to do and I get some peace and quiet.
….and all again the next day.
I really wish my moods wouldn’t swing so much. It can make me happy and fun to be around one moment, but an hour later, I hate the people around me, get annoyed by loud music (if I’m out), and want to go home. I don’t get “second winds” at parties unless I’m unusually drunk.
Before I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, my mom thought that maybe I was Bi-Polar, and this was probably a good guess at the time. Unfortunately, with my BPD, I feel depressed more than elated - or euphoric as in Bi-Polar mood swings - and I cycle back and forth on an emotional yo-yo of sorts.
How can I feel just “normal” for the day? How is possible to feel positive?
I need to figure out how to regulate my moods, and, especially if I’m in a social situation, find coping mechanisms to get through the event and depart without giving people the impression that I felt uncomfortable, turned off, or irritated in their presence.
When I see my Doctor over the holidays, this will most certainly be one of things we talk about.
Don’t see anything wrong with your day, ‘cept maybe that your bored because you didn’t do much all day. Other than that, people do have feelings about things. Your day does not sound extreme to me.
Hey there. I recently fully accepted a BPD diagnoses after being misdiagnosed for several years as various other less-fitting things. I’m pleased to have come across your blog and have put a link to it on my own, which I’ve just started to help sort through the emotions and facts and realities about my new dx. I can relate completely with everything I’ve read here so far. Right down to liking the monologues better than the interviews on late night talk shows.
Peace.
I believe the main culprit in your entire routine is the massive amounts of anti-depression meds and caffeine.
Frankly, this is exactly how some of my days go as well. I don’t know if I have BPD or not, but I know one thing- even if I do- it won’t get me.
A great way to do some personal psychotherapy is to write a diary about how you feel- but being imaginative about it. Like, when I say that I failed at something, I usually say it as if I am proud of the failure and the fact that I tried another thing after that. Don’t treat boredom as a test of self esteem, instead, treat it as the real truth- boredom is instinctive and respect it.
Unless you respect your own feelings, you cannot treat yourself. Respect your boredom, respect your tiredness. Accept yourself for who you are. And then try to fix it.
I love your blog because now I know that there are others who feel the same way as I do. Thanks!
Hi Tanushree,
Thank you for your very insightful and helpful comment. A diary is a great way to express one’s feelings. Putting pen to paper is also a meaningful exercise that helps pull one out of boredom and into a more creative state.
hay there i have just read your blog i understand how you feel as i also rapid cycle from one mood to the next i do not know what is wrong with me. hope 2 find out soon
I’ve had mood swings for years…I’ve had psychotherapy, counseling & meds for a diagnosis
of dysthymia. Nothing has worked on a long term basis.
Recently, I lost the job that I had worked in for 15 Years…It was kind of a relief, though… It had become quite stressful and I really didn’t enjoy doing it any more. My organizational skills had gone South and I deeply resented the way I was being driven & manipulated by my Company & their clients.
I’ve been married twice… For reasons I don’t completely understand, things changed in an almost identical way even though each of them had different personalities.
I’ve considered the possibility that I’m BiPolar.
After all, my oldest sister has been treated for that condition for years. She went through the hell that the side effects of Lithium creates. She’s on another medication now…The difference was night & day. However, after 6 months, it looks like the old symptoms she had with the Lithium are returning.
I have short-term memory issues and easily lose focus on things I’m doing. It takes a lot of effort to do things to completion - it’s very discouraging. I can go from feeling normal to being angry enough to scream at the top of my lungs or being depressed enough to cry and wishing the feelings would go away & leave me alone. Since I moved back to North Carolina, the frequency at which the mood swings occur has dramatically changed. It’s gotten to point where I’ve had them change within a 2 hour time span. I want to have a normal life and be happy like other people do!
Hi Charles,
Thanks for your comment. I too have issues with short term memory and concentration. It is very apparent when I’m doing tedious, repetitive tasks like programming.
I would recommend visiting another doctor and doing a set of full blown psychiatric tests. The worst that can happen is that you find out you don’t have anything wrong, and you’ve spent some extra money.
The best that can happen is that you gain some insight into yourself, and hopefully get treatment for your condition. When talking with the doctor, cite the fact that your sister is Bi-Polar. There is strong evidence that mental illness has some genetic components.
At minimum, you probably have some form of depression, which is fully treatable and improves in time.
I appreciate this blog. I’m a teen and I’ve had very intense and abruupt mood changes. For months its been blamed as being a part of a normal teenager stage. I already deal with major depression. But my counselor and I are beginning to believe that this is something different based on a few situations. Im scared and I keep crying for help but it seems no ones answering. I thought I was bipolar but my mood switches polarity two to three times a day. Im so lost!