Apr
18
Between the ages of 13-18, I experienced having various crushes and love interests for the first time in my life. These new feelings, which everyone has during adolescence, gave rise to a very stubborn crush - one which I never acted on and completely barred me from meeting others who might have been interested in me.
My first crush was in Junior High School on a girl who had an identical twin sister. Since I was not well versed in the ways of romance, I never really acted on it by asking the girl out. I didn’t know how to, and more importantly, I feared rejection. With these emotions came a powerful alter-reality where my interest in this particular girl was for real. I pictured myself going out on dates, flirting, and becoming a couple. I pictured myself at school dances with a girlfriend and listening to her cheer while I played on the soccer field.
Towards the end of eighth grade, however, my feelings began to change. I began to lose interest in this girl, in part because she spent a lot of her time away from the school social scene swimming competitively on an elite swim team. My interest in her looks, however, led me strangely to her sister, who was more involved with the goings-on at school and seemed to be more accessible. She also was dating a guy I knew at the time, and this created a sense of longing, perhaps even naive jealousy, in me.
So, as I entered high school (nineth grade), my love interest changed from one sister to another. I slowly began to find that my feelings for this girl grew stronger every day: I saw her on the school fields during sports practices, and when spring came, she was on my track team. I was thrilled and nearly head over heals for her. I desparately wanted to ask her out, but at the same time, I desparately feared being shot down. On one hand, I felt immensely stuck in my fantasy world which prodded my feelings along, tempting me to ask her out; but on the other hand, I didn’t know what I’d do if these fantasies never became reality.
According to many experts, BPD begins during adolesence and slowly builds up a head of steam that lasts into the 20’s and beyond. When I look back now, I can see how my intense feelings and fear that surrounded this crush mimicked many characteristics of BPD. Abandonment, loss of love, rejection, and many other feelings were becoming amplified by BPD, and this continued to push me away from reality.
The result was that I slowly retreated into a fantasy world where my sincere feelings of attraction simply existed in a continuous state of limbo, because I never did anything about them. Since I felt petrified about trying to consumate the crush, my feelings came out in other areas. From a distance, I tried showing off for this girl, doing things that would impress her, acting the way I thought she would find attactive, and closely following every hint of gossip around school that indicated whether or not she was seeing anyone.
The various sports seasons, fall, winter, and spring regulated my crush. In the fall it was all about showing off for her during sports practice while she was practicing field hockey on the other field. During cross-country races, I made sure to look and feel very confident and strong when I ran by, listening to her and the various other school teams cheering for us during races. In the spring, when she was on the track team with me, I made sheepish attempts at flirting during practice or meets. If it so happened that she sat near me on the bus ride to a track meet, I was beside myself with anticipation that we might have a conversation or interact flirtaciously.
I want to emphasize that as time wore on, my alter-reality, where all things romantic that I desired existed, slowly became my notion of reality. I was having a relationship by proxy: I showed interest, felt interested, and at times felt my only motivation to participate in sports was because I wanted to be around her and impress her. This powerful feeling took over any innate sense I had of doing sports for my own benefit. Instead, I looked upon sports as an opportunity to frame myself in the way I thought she would find irresistible: athletic, smart, attractive, strong, and confident. These were all things I thought I was, but in retrospect I now realize that I was quite the opposite, because I chose to live in fantasy land instead of the real world.
By senior year, I was still interested in her, but could not summon the courage to ever ask her out. Fall gave way to winter, which brought up new concerns about post secondary education, college applications, scholarships, and senior year responsibilities. When spring rolled around, I was thrilled to be on the track team with her once again, but I slowly but surely came to the conclusion that the thing I wanted so dearly was never going to happen.
Instead, I decided that I was going to ask her to Senior night, the final dance and “hurrah” for our class before graduation. One day, I somehow picked up the phone and called her. I asked her to go with me and made arrangements to get a tuxedo and transportation for the night. She tentatively accepted my invitation, but from that moment forward, she slowly started acting very distant towards me. It was as if her own fears were realized: yes, that guy who liked me but thankfully never asked me out has finally done it, lo and behold two weeks before we graduate.
Whenever I was around her before Senior night, she talked to her friends about other guys, and generally did not bring up the fact that I had asked her to the dance. I could tell she wanted to go for the sake of attending, but not necessarily with me. During the days before the dance she called a couple times and tried to make it seem as if we were going in a group “as friends”. She also made it seem like her decision to go to the dance was going to be last minute: If nothing else materialized for her, she would hastily go with me and grab the last available places at the dinner tables for the evening.
When that night finally arrived, we did indeed get the very last two tickets. I drove to her house, which I had already done in my mind for the past four years, but now it was for real. I picked her up and met the parents. I offered to take her in my car so we could go together. Instead, she declined and we ended up driving in two separate cars to the restaurant. This was a bit strange. In retrospect, this was “strike one” for me.
At the dinner we had small time chit chat. When the dancing began, she didn’t want to go up with me. Instead, I danced with some long time friends that were intent on having a good time for the evening. I enjoyed myself for a few moments, but desparately wanted to have just one dance with the girl I had wanted for so long. In the end, she never did dance with me. She remained seated in her chair the whole time and talked with teammates from her basketball team. “Strike two”.
Around 9 PM, the party was slowing down and people were beginning to leave for after-parties that were not going to be chaperoned by school staff. I returned to the table from dancing and sat down with her, trying to make small talk. Suddenly, as if she was on a schedule, she announced she was leaving. It was abrupt, since most of the party attendees were still enjoying themselves and not quite out the door yet. She, on the other hand, seemed bored and tired and said a meek “Thanks…” and then proceeded out to her car and drove away. “Strike Three - you’re out”.
Suddenly everything became emminently clear to me. This girl had just left me in the lurch after I had made a big effort to try and have a good time. I didn’t expect her to go home with me or even go to another party later on…I just wanted to be with her for a few fun hours while our senior class gathered for the last time. Instead, she threw me out and left me alone at the senior dance where everyone else was having a good time. For the remaining minutes of the night, I stole off to the bathroom and just stood there for about a half hour.
I felt so embarassed, so naked, so taken advantage of, that I simply decided it was time I leave, too. I got into my car and left, just as others were happily planning out the rest of their evenings. Realizing that I was going to arrive home “early”, I decided to drive around town and kill time, practicly in teers, that the one night I wanted to go right had ended up going so poorly.
In those moments I realized that the crush I put on hold for four years should have ended freshman year in four days: I should have just asked her out and found out the truth then and moved on, but instead, I chose to live in la-la land while she dated others and generally ignored me.
I learned a lesson in love the hard way: If you have feelings towards someone, do something about it in a timely manner or move on. Waiting four months or four years to ask someone out is a collossal waste of time, heartache, and energy. It wears you down. It tears you up. Most importantly, It puts you in fantasy land and not reality.
Once in a while, in the years following high school, I would hear gossip about me from my brothers who were still in school. Much to my chagrin, and completely unbenounced to me during my time in high school, there were other girls who actually had a real interest in me. One, who was a nice girl and pretty, even had a “big crush” on me, and I never looked her way once. How stupid of me.
It sucks to find out the hard way that your crush is just that: a crush. It sucks that I wasted so much time on something that never would have worked. It hurts, and it still pains me to this day.
When I look back now, I can see how BPD was slowly taking over my personality. The sad thing is, I was probably more “normal” in terms of mental health in high school than I am now. Even sadder, I chose to forgo all other girls around me for four years, while I waited for a single date that was an ultimate let down, disappointment, and crushing loss.
Love hurts…ain’t that the truth?
Damn straight dude, that fantasy world will kill ya. Look what it did to ted bundy.
Hey, thanks for writing this. I suffer from the same problem, though I do not believe it’s to this extreme. I was relatively dormant in romantic interest through most of grade school. Well, sort of… Now I’m in collage and at the moment, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut time and time again.
I also read your most recent post titled “Ways to Head Off Rejection before it Really Hurts”. Both of these have helped my rationalize my limbo state of internal feelings. Thanks again. I wish you the best.