Apr
15
In other entries, I often am very critical of my family. I am especially critical of some of the decisions my parents made, particularly concerning the way in which I was brought up, socialized, and disciplined.
To be fair to all sides, I must write an entry about the stress I caused the family, pre borderline personality/depression diagnosis as a youth and adolescent.
The following is a list of behaviors that characterized my almost constant feud within my own family during my youth, from about 8-16 years of age.
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Negative behaviors towards parents:
- Swearing, cursing, using foul language in their presence and as retorts for any criticisms leveled against me, constructive or otherwise
- Making fun of my parents, the way they talked, acted, their personality, etc.
- Disrespecting them in front of others, including my brothers and on a few occasions before other adults
- Challenging their moral and spiritual beliefs, ie. decisions to attend or not attend church, which were really none of my business
- Invading their privacy by prying into their belongings, spying on them, reading notes they’ve made, medications they are taking
- Comparing them to other parents on unimportant issues, ie. “Joe’s parents take him out more” or “Joe’s parents spend more money on him” etc.
- Stealing from them, on a small scale. If my mom had a stash of candy or sweets, I’d constantly steal from it. I only stole money on one occasion, $20 to go to the casino to feed my gambling habit during college.
- Lying to them, arguing with them, or being overly difficult in order to get attention or win their respect with unauthentic acts
- Acting pompous, aloof, and uninterested in their efforts to promote family time together
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Negative behaviors towards brothers:
- Making fun of, teasing, belittling, embarassing them when I felt overly hurt by something they did, or in a selfish effort to promote myself for more parental affections. The “if you hit me once, I’ll hit back twice” analogy
- Using derogatory nicknames, words, faces etc. when in their midst in desperate attempt to assert my authority by virtue of being first born
- If I was teased or hazed in school, I would not react in public, but instead I’d come home and use any excuse to haze my brothers in the same manner I was by school bullies. Generally speaking, I was taciturn to any peer bullying while outside of the home, but once inside the home, I’d push my brothers around the same way I was pushed around by schoolyard jerks
- Stealing from them, invading their privacy, spying on them
- Making fun of their friends, interests, hobbies, or other things they liked. As a youth I felt left out by my own peers, so I felt better by making fun of the friends and relationships my brothers built for themselves
- Manipulating, or otherwise trying to control them to do something I wanted them to do, OR, to do something that would get them in trouble
- Destroying their property, in response to a negative event. This was generally over blown on my part and most of the time my brothers were worse off in the end compared to the actual amount of negativity they inflicted on me
- Manipulating one brother against another. I remember I once coerced my second brother to smash a treasured toy of my first brother, because I was acting cruel. I have always deeply regretted this act and the night after I did it I tried to make amends by glueing the toy back together
- Annoying them with funny noises, acts, or disturbing them when they needed time to concentrate on work
- Demanding that they all be quiet when I was studying, and if not, bitching to my parents incessantly about why I needed complete silence to do my work. Often, I wouldn’t be quiet when they were studying
- Complaining if I felt my parents were not interested enough in me, when in reality they made a good effort to give us all some sort of attention
- Feeling that I was somehow superior by virtue of primogeniture (being born first) or because I was older. This behavior was also a carryover from the school yard, which was generally casted by elementary grade level or age
- Criticizing them unfairly if I felt that their contribution to a joint chore effort was lesser than mine, or not perfectionist enough. In reality, it didn’t really matter how, for instance, they shoveled the snow - it only mattered that we eventually finished the job. I, however, wanted to get entire credit for the job and would chastise them repeatedly until they either stormed off or did things my way
- Played the “3rd parent” role when it was convenient for me, or as an excuse to bully them around
- Punched, kicked, slapped, pushed, pulled, pinched, bit - you name it - during physical fights with my brothers. I must note, however, that we never actually hit each other in the face. There seemed to be some unwritten rule that blows were to be delivered below the neck and away from the genitals
I can now see that some of the things I did as a youth were the seedlings of trouble that would later be amplified by my BPD diagnosis. Other things were run-of-the-mill sibling rivalry behaviors, or typical adolescent reactions to parental authority. Still others, however, were downright criminal, manipulative, and utterly cruel. We all have regrets in life, and I deeply regret how I behaved towards my parents and brothers when I was at my worst.
It think it’s important for me to look back at my life, and the events that led up to BPD and depression (and Type 1 Diabetes, although this was obviously not caused by interpersonal malevolence) with an unbiased view.
To say that I was always the victim would be wrong. To be honest, I probably was only the victim half the time or less…The other times, it was me perpetrating poor behavior and disrespect toward the members of my household.
I can only hope that as time moves forward, wounds opened years ago by poor behavior and insecurity between my parents, brothers and I will heal. We only have so much time on Earth, and I would prefer that what time I have left be spent in “normal” or “loving” relationships within my family.