Why Borderline Personality Men Stalk, Follow, or Obsess over Some Women

If you’re looking for a BPD guy that has ever stalked, followed, or obsessed over a girl you’re in the right place. I hate to admit it – because many blog readers are female – but I’ve been guilty of stalking behavior, usually unbeknownst to the women I followed. I also find the thought of voyeurism interesting and arousing, especially when it pertains to women I’m obsessing over. Before everyone vomits and calls the cops, let me offer a few reasons why BPD men might stalk and obsess. To be clear, these are not cop-outs for poor behavior. Instead, it is just the way in which BPD males think and justify their actions. No one really wants to stalk another person. It’s not a positive thing to do with one’s time. Sometimes, though, emotions and clouded thinking get in the way of better judgment and bring out the worst in otherwise decent people.

All stalking behavior emanates from some form of rejection. I’ll detail one that is particularly upsetting to men: sexual rejection.

Feeling Powerless Over One’s Sexual Desires

This sounds like something out of a Tony Robbins sex-esteem workshop 🙂 . That aside, I – and many other men – sometimes feel powerless over our own sexual desires. When I was in college, for example, I was surrounded by many beautiful girls. Of course, I wanted to start a relationship and have sex with them. Unfortunately, either because I lack the social skills, physical appearance, or confidence necessary to seduce ANY girl at will, these sexual desires turned into sexual frustrations.

Some men like me feel helpless to satisfy our own basic needs. We see a hot girl, want her, but can’t get her because we don’t measure up to her standards. What then do we do with these feelings? Do we say “Oh, heck” and forget about it? Or, do we bottle them up and obsess over the woman, somehow hoping that things will turnaround and go our way?

If you have BPD, chances are you bottle them up and get even more frustrated with each subsequent perceived rejection. Of course, this sounds all very narcissistic. Walking around thinking that you have the right to sleep with any girl you see is a selfish thought. At the same time, it can make many men feel desperate because they will never feel sexually gratified. Sexual rejection hurts as much as social rejection.

To use an example from recent times, think about the man that stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews. He followed her from hotel to hotel, using cameras and spy equipment hoping to catch her naked. Unfortunately for Andrews, he actually succeeded. Then, when this guy was caught and revealed to the rest of the world, it was clear to me, at least, why he did these disturbing acts.

He was a middle-aged insurance executive who wasn’t married, but did have a fiancee. To be blunt, I’m 100% positive his fiancee didn’t measure up to Andrews in terms of looks. He clearly felt hopeless because he knew he would never, EVER have a shot at sleeping with Andrews. His looks, lifestyle, personal connections, or social status precluded him from meeting her. Essentially, he was using extreme means to gratify his need to have some sort of sexual encounter with a very attractive woman, which part of him knew would almost never happen.

In some respects, this is why men enjoy pornography, strippers, and prostitutes: if they can’t get it for free, they will pay for the opportunity to ease their sexual tensions and feel like they seduced a “9” or “10” into bed. Andrews’ indirect rejection of this man – and countless millions of others who lust after her – made him do absolutely crazy things that ultimately ruined his life. He was later fined over $10,000, ordered to prison for 2.5 years, and given 3 years parole.

Men like this and those that have BPD can’t swallow rejection, especially sexual rejection. This turns normal guys into stalkers who will break the law, ignore common decency, and even risk losing everything they worked for in order to feel accepted and satisfied.

Have I ever felt sexually rejected? Absolutely. How did it make me feel? Hopeless and desperate. A part of me realized that I may be stuck with overweight, unhealthy, boring women because I didn’t have the ability to land a “10”. That realization is very damaging to the male ego, and probably produces many cases of infidelity in marriages. Remember, the guy isn’t “cheating” because he occasionally has lustful thoughts about another woman: it’s when he consummates these feelings by ordering a call girl, having an office fling, or hanging out at strip clubs that otherwise decent guys become adulterers.

All this means that BPD men have to find an emotional mechanism that lets them get past lust and into a more healthy, realistic state of mind. Sorry, 99% of the guys reading this post will never sleep with a hot bikini model because you don’t measure up to the 1% of guys that would be appealing to her.

I’m still at a loss for finding ways to get past sexual frustrations aside from stalking, following, or obsessing over women. I want to feel powerful in a powerless situation. Attraction happens at all levels, but can become a pathetic plight of selfish, sometimes illegal, behavior when allowed to take over one’s mind.

My Friends With Others In Their Lives That Have BPD

I don’t have many friends. I really don’t socialize that much. I like being reclusive and hiding out in my apartment taking naps and living life on my own terms. Still, despite this sense of independence, I long for some sort of social life. People call me if there is a wedding, funeral, or emergency. They don’t call me for a beer or evening of fun.

… at least so I thought. There are a handful of friends that actually do/did call once in a while (more often when we were located close together, ie. college etc.). They are all good people with good hearts; who are very tolerant of my moodiness, odd behavior, and black or white thinking that characterizes my BPD. Maybe they suspect there is something wrong with me. Maybe they don’t. Perhaps they identify with some of my quirks and BPD tendencies that are present in everyone, except under much better control. The one question I ask myself: how is it possible they ended up in multiple relationships with people who have BPD?

“Jacob” was a close friend during college. We both shared interest in music, playing in the school’s concert band and taking music composition classes. Jacob went on to major in Music with an Education Certificate. I put music performance aside my Junior year in college, mired in depression and gambling addiction. It may have been for the best: the perfectionism of music and nervousness I experienced performing just weren’t worth the effort.

Jacob and I parted ways after college, although we occasionally still trade Facebook messages. He furthered his music studies to the graduate level, took on a high school music teaching job, and now teaches at a major university.

During college, Jacob and I shared a common frustration of not being able to connect with women. Shortly after college ended – during the course of Jacob’s transition to graduate school – he finally met a girl and they hit it off. He was very happy and in love. His girlfriend was pretty, fun loving, and seemed like a good match for him. She joined him at graduate school, sharing an apartment and a couple dogs. They had a good relationship for a couple years. Then, things appeared to get rocky. They broke up and got back together, fought, and eventually called it quits. Jacob has moved on, although I’m sure he still has feelings for this girl.

“Frank” is a friend I made during my initial years in Costa Rica. He’s originally from England, and was part of the team that hired me to do internet marketing for an online gaming website. The very first night I was in Costa Rica, Frank and other office colleagues took me out, and we all had a great time. Frank and I connected, enjoying high stimulation activities like drinking, gambling, and hanging out in loud discotheques. Frank also loved to travel, and his sense of adventure and need of companionship often meant I joined him on his journeys. We went to many different places, met different people, and did things I probably would never do by myself.

Our relationship changed as time progressed. We didn’t do the party scene as much, mostly because it tired me out and I got terribly hung over from the mix of alcohol and anti-depressants I take. We still hung out constantly, however, going out for meals, attending work parties, or taking weekend beach trips.

About two years ago Frank met a girl seemingly out of the blue. I actually met her a few weeks after they started dating seriously: Frank tends to get hyper focused on new people and new things in his life, to the point that he sometimes excludes others. I already knew this about him and it was fine by me. It was good to have a break from life in the fast lane with him, and I was genuinely happy he met a new girlfriend.

Unfortunately, in the ensuing months, Frank’s relationship rapidly deteriorated . At first, Frank and his girlfriend were all over each other. Frank bought her an engagement ring and they were already talking about marriage. It seemed to move almost too fast, but that was how Frank operated. He is very insistent and hyperactive, so an engagement after 5 months of dating for him would equate an engagement after one year of dating for anyone else. Once the ring was on his girlfriend’s finger, things turned very bad.

She stole from him, cheated on him, and caused a myriad of problems. Frank indicated at one point it was possible she was pregnant, but he didn’t know for sure because he knew she was disappearing to see other guys. This was all happening after she and Frank moved in together, sharing their apartment with her 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

What was looking like a bad choice on Frank’s part ultimately became ugly and horrendous. His girlfriend did a complete 180 on him, having him arrested for false charges and trying to get him deported from Costa Rica back to England. She even accused him of molesting her daughter, an utterly false charge with no basis in reality. Frank may have his peculiarities, but he is no child molester. In the end, he had to jump on the next plane out of Costa Rica, leaving the girlfriend from hell – and the otherwise enjoyable life he built – behind him. He has never returned, fearing Costa Rican authorities might have a sealed indictment against him. Now Frank and I just talk on the phone every couple of weeks, nothing like we were while he has in Costa Rica with me.

Frank’s ex-girlfriend later gave birth to a baby boy. It is still unclear whether or not Frank is the actual father. This additional footnote to a year from hell still bothers him to this day: is he a father or not? Did he do the right thing leaving the country? He may never know, and now must move forward with his life regardless.

Here’s where Jacob from college and Frank from England intersect. After Frank fled Costa Rica, court ordered psychological evaluations of his ex-girlfriend revealed that she most likely had a bad case of Borderline Personality Disorder. Similarly, a few months after Jacob left his girlfriend, he sent me a note revealing that she had just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and/or Bi-Polar II disorder.

This is a very strange coincidence indeed. Two completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) different people who have never met both ended up with BPD relationships in their lives, which tortured them and caused mountains of stress.

Here’s the kicker: Do they know that I ALSO have BPD? It is a very interesting twist and coincidence in my life that I can’t comprehend. What is it about Frank and Jacob that attracted them to BPD girlfriends and unknowingly to a BPD guy friend (me)? What if I told them I had BPD? Would they never speak with me again?

Do some otherwise “normal” people act as magnets for those with BPD; or is it the other way around? Do we with BPD gravitate to certain people who will tolerate us but who will ultimately have the good sense to leave us behind once we’ve ruined part of their life?

I’ll probably never tell Frank or Jacob I have BPD…they would probably flip if I did. To be clear, I haven’t wreaked the kind of havoc on their personal lives that their BPD ex-girlfriends did; but I’m sure they wonder about my mental health.

In this case, the relational model called the “six degrees of separation” falls flat on its face. You would think it would dictate some degree of distance from people with mental health problems that are not part of the “normal” population. These two unlucky souls have had wretched BPD girlfriends in their lives, and they may not even realize I, their other friend, has it too.

What do you think?

Clonazepam (Klonopin) Withdrawal Symptoms

I ran out of Clonazepam about mid-January, due to a confluence of circumstances that prevented me from getting it shipped down to Costa Rica. It was nobody’s fault but my own: I should have renewed the prescription earlier. Instead, I waited until after the Christmas holiday. When I finally did get around to calling the pharmacy and arranging a refill, I realized I was not going to be able to take it with me on my return flight to Costa Rica. As a result, a series of other delays compounded the situation, ultimately leaving me without Clonazepam for about 10 days. I exhausted my supply about January 8th (after literally cutting the tiny tablets in half to ration the medication), and did not take a regular dosage again until the 18th.

What did the withdrawal feel like? Generally speaking, I really felt out of it. I was not my normal self. There was no physical pain or debilitating mental side effects; however, there were a number of small withdrawal symptoms that became very annoying. Here’s a short list roughly in the order they occurred.

  1. Irritability – After being without Clonazepam for about 2 or 3 days, I became irritable and more moody than usual. I was easily frustrated with some of the mundane rituals of day-to-day life, and didn’t have much will power. I lost interest in work and found myself constantly checking – and the re-checking – my email, hopefully to get notice that some of my internet domain names sold. Unfortunately they did not, so I became obsessive-compulsive about trying to find quick, self gratifying experiences instead of sitting down and working like normal.
  2. Pulsing Sensation – By day 4, I felt an odd pulsing sensation in my head. It sort of felt like someone was giving me a little too much electricity, and the surge was not being absorbed properly. Gradually, this sensation came over the rest of my body. I experience the same feelings whenever I’m off Effexor for long periods of time.
  3. Insomnia – This was by far the most dramatic withdrawal effect. Starting about day 6, I could not sleep at all, no matter how hard I tried. I simply laid in bed trying to relax myself, but instead my mind started running at 100 miles per hour. Sometimes I would be able to get a couple hours rest after rolling around in bed for 4-6 hours. This brief siesta was not enough. I usually go to bed at 2 AM, and the lack of Clonazepam in my system meant I didn’t get to sleep until 6-7 AM. The insomnia was extremely frustrating and made me even more irritable. I stopped exercising and started self medicating with food. I took naps at odd hours after resigning myself to the fact that I would not have a productive day after 2-3 hours rest. This was probably the worst withdrawal symptom.
  4. Loss of Interest – When combining the irritability, insomnia, and “pulsing sensation” I gradually lost interest in doing anything. I didn’t work, exercise, or cook good meals. I opted for quick fixes of food, TV, and relaxation opposed to pushing myself towards having a productive day.
  5. “Blinky Eyes”/Tired Eyes – My eyes became tired very easily. If I was watching TV or using the computer, I felt myself blinking too much, sometimes blinking on purpose in a desperate attempt to rejuvenate my visual stamina. I couldn’t sit at the computer or watch TV for more than 30 minutes, activities which I normally do for hours at a time. I tried moisturizing eye drops to no avail. They worked for a couple minutes, and then the “Blinky Eyes” returned. Not having any endurance to watch TV or surf the web contributed to even more irritability.
  6. Extremely Vivid Dreams – When I usually take Clonazepam, it settles my mind and puts me to sleep for the night. I have a normal sleep cycle and occasionally wake up remembering my dreams. Without the Clonazepam, what sleep I did get was full of very vivid dreams. I would wake up moving around, talking, or yelling. Sometimes I woke up sweaty. I realize these types of somatic disturbances are experienced by everyone, but they seemed more pronounced to me while I was off Clonazepam. I usually don’t wake up moving around in my bed, nor do I mistake dreams for reality. Without Clonazepam, my mind seemed to get confused and thrown completely off its rails.

Once I finally did get my shipment of Clonazepam, I’m happy to report everything returned to normal almost immediately. My first dosage back on Clonazepam put me right to sleep, made me less moody, allowed my eyes to tolerate the TV/Computer screen much longer, and improved my interest in life again. Instead of eating cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I began cooking regular meals. Daily routines slowly fell back into place.

My only other alternative to waiting in this situation would have been to find a psychiatrist where I live in Costa Rica, and hope to get a prescription for Clonazepam the same day. I didn’t feel comfortable doing this because I felt the doctor would want a recitation of my whole mental health history, which does nothing for me but open old wounds.

In reality, though, I really can’t spend 10 days not sleeping or working again. It makes sense to see a doctor and get a backup plan in place, so that any future shortages of Clonazepam can be mitigated. Overall, the withdrawal process wasn’t excruciating, but it did interrupt my life significantly. Having a routine helps me, and without Clonazepam, I can’t function.

*NOTE: Clonazepam is a controlled substance in the USA. Always use as prescribed by your doctor.

Make sure you always have a backup plan in case you run out of meds!