I can’t seem to get over past rejections and failures

I’ve written a number of entries about various events in my past that I considered personal rejections (from relationships) or general failures (from work, school, studies etc). Some of these issues that preoccupy me are more recent, but others literally happened 10-15 years ago and I still find myself feeling as if it just happened yesterday.

In terms of general failures, I tend to recall events in my past where I was reaching for a certain goal but ended up missing it. One would think that with time, these events would become easier to deal with, and would be synthesized into one’s “life experiences” and either used as lessons for the future or laughed off in casual jokes. This “normal” acceptance process doesn’t seem to happen with me, and I think BPD is to blame.

The more severe negative feelings of the past come with rejections in personal relationships, especially ones with the opposite sex that involved unrequited love or affection. I think back to my big crush in High School and the disappointment and wasted time it created, and instead of passing it off as youthful ignorance, I constantly relive it and the emotions it created. In reality, these emotions are 15 years old, but still, they persist in my mind.

Also, after the fall out I had with a girl I met my freshman year in College whom I felt strong feelings for, I felt extremely wounded. This was now about 10 years ago, but when my mind has nothing else to think about, it harkens back to these painful memories and personal rejections that literally tore me to pieces.

I think the nature of polarized thinking and BPD, combined with a general habit of “living in the past” cause me more pain in the present than necessary. As I move forward in life and experience subsequent failures and rejections, I feel like all these emotions continue to pile up, instead of being recycled or erased through the passage of time.

Granted, I think it is natural to recall painful feelings from the past when we are experiencing painful feelings in the present: we want to relive the past experience briefly so that we will know the way towards resolving the tumultuous emotions within us.

With BPD, negative experiences just get stockpiled, and positive experiences disappear like shooting stars, unable to fill the hollow inner self.

As a result, when I try to recall experiences both good and bad (especially with respect to inter-personal relationships) there is always a negative thought at the ready, whereas thoughts of acceptance and “getting over” or “past” the event are few and far between.

I feel as if these negative events tend to define me more than the positive things. I feel that I was deprived, to some degree, of a “normal” emotional development because I had to experience 2 negatives for every positive, opposed to others who I observed seemed to have more ups than downs, or at least a fair balance of the two.

What can I do about this? Not much, really. Everyone experiences painful events in their lives, and unfortunately some people experience an inordinately greater number than others. That’s just the way it is.

I guess the lesson that comes out of all this is not to count and compare one’s failings to the lives of others, but progressively find new ways to cope with future hurtful events in a productive manner.

BPD, unfortunately, is an enormous wrench in the works – something that most people don’t have to fight with on a daily, hourly, sometimes minute to minute basis.

For me, I believe I need to approach my present and future with the knowledge that I have learned both intellectually and emotionally from my past. I have to promise myself I won’t lump everything together and turn into a wreck, but instead will try and sooth myself through therapy, preventative measures, and just keeping my guard up due to the fact that BPD can rear its ugly head anytime, anywhere, any place.

Aside from that pragmatic refrain, I wish there was an emotional “dim switch” that I could turn towards the off position with regard to past events, so that current happiness, no matter how big or small, is not eclipsed.

Not Following my own Plans out of laziness or boredom: Self Sabotage

Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted. I need to get back into a regular routine of doing so, because I find it sometimes it helps me think a little clearer and process what goes on in my life.

The title of this post is appropriate given my delinquency, because I like to plan out how I do things. For example, every 7-10 days I plan to spend an afternoon cleaning my apartment, every 4-5 days I plan to write in this blog (…oops…), I plan to get out to the gym every 2 days (just started going again), and I plan to do push-ups and sit-ups when I get up in the morning.

The problem is, sometimes I wake up and just feel completely lethargic and blause. Before sleeping I always try to psych myself up to whatever I’m doing the next day, so that when the alarm sounds I am up and ready to go.

If I tell myself that I want to start sweeping the floors of my apartment by 11:00 AM, but find myself in bed come that time, usually I’ll just fall back to sleep and wake up a couple hours later. That leaves me at 1:00 PM and I’ve not even left my bed yet. When I finally do get out of bed very late, the next challenge is trying to get myself to do my daily exercises.

This is always a struggle, especially if I’m already behind on the day. The grand effect is a bit of a snow-ball of lethargy and low energy that ends up leading me to eat a late breakfast and then start working on my computer, INSTEAD of going to the gym, cleaning up, or doing anything else I planned for the day.

I think part of me is a little self-rebellious: when I wake up and realize I have a few hours of tasks in front of me, I choose instead to either sleep or blow-off everything altogether. I guess this means that sometimes I would rather not put myself through my routine, and need to feel that I can be spontaneous and sleep a little longer, or just get up and eat breakfast instead of getting up, exercising, etc. before eating.

On one hand, there’s nothing wrong with this need to sometimes do things different. Variety is the spice of life they say. On the other, by the end of a self-imposed derelict day, I get mad at myself for not doing what I planned, particularly if that was exercising or cleaning up my apartment.

I feel a sense of low self worth and guilt that I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING with my day, opposed to feeling a sense of accomplishment at the end of a productive day when I get a lot of things done.

I think I’ve isolated the moment where I choose to be productive or remiss in my duties to the point at which I wake up in the morning. When I open my eyes, I find my mind is either fully ready to get going and tackle my day, or it says “Fuck the plan, sleep longer, walk around in your boxers all day, and go right to your computer instead of doing chores”.

In cases where I choose to proceed with plans, I find I really have to rally myself out of bed. On the other hand, when I choose not to do anything, it is extremely EASY to just fall back asleep and forget my troubles.

Given the different sum total emotional effects of either doing something or doing nothing, it makes clear sense that I should get up. Once I’ve been productive, I feel good about myself. The thing is, this comes as a direct result of really mentally and physically pushing myself through the day, when I’d just rather sleep and be listless.

For me, sometimes it’s easy to live in a routine, but sometimes its really hard. When the routine becomes arduous and boring, leaving me to question what I’m doing with my existence, I tend to rebell and take more days off. To be fair, however, when I can look back at my week and check off everything I planned to do, I feel good – but not OVERLY good – just satisfied as if I was supposed to do all that stuff anyway.

What I’m trying to say, in other words, is that when I succeed in what I plan to do, I feel OK and satisfied: I’m not super happy or excited, just satisfied. When I don’t do what’s planned I tend to feel good about rebelling against myself, but also succumbing to just lying in bed all day. It’s sort of an addictive reaction I suppose.

How does one with BPD and depression give 110% everyday? I have yet to figure that one out…and it drives me crazy. Based on what I see in myself so far, it’s clear that the tendancy to have BPD polarized thinking is obviously working both for and against me at the same time.