BPD, Boredom, and not feeling like there’s anything to do

I have days when I get bored very easily, but at the same time, don’t want to do anything besides take naps.

Typically these days occur on Friday through Sunday, when business slows for the weekend and the stock market is closed. Without these things cooking away and providing me with stimulus, I get down and very unproductive.

Today, Leap Year Friday, was one of these days. To try to stem off boredom and emptiness, I decided I was going to walk to the store and purchase a few groceries, instead of driving across town to the larger Walmart style supermarket. After completing my daily push-ups and sit-ups, which is always a mental struggle, I left my apartment and walked 10 minutes to the store, purchased my groceries, and walked 10 minutes back. I felt a little exercise might stimulate me.

I was coming off an emotional high from my stock market gains earlier in the week. Today, however, the price of my penny stock play decreased slightly, so my portfolio lost a little value. This is the nature of the market and I knew it was going to happen. All the same, I felt a little empty and lost without the positive feelings that come with good stock market days.

There are still other things: there are to-do items for the various businesses I have, errands that could be run, e-mails to write, but overall nothing really pressing. As a result, I revert into my daily internet “routine”.

Everyday, I check my websites’ rankings in Google via another website that has a listing of all the Google datacenters. Through my observations, I have noted that on average, Google tends to update its listings about once a day.

Accordingly, I find myself visiting this website and constantly refreshing the website’s pages so I can see if anything has changed in the Google results.

It’s 3:00 PM: I know I’m getting very bored and listless when I begin to obsessively refresh Google results every 20 to 30 seconds. It’s kind of like playing a slot machine: you repeat the action over and over again waiting for that one moment where you win and collect a payout.

After doing this behavior for about 45 minutes, I finally just gave up and returned to bed, keeping in mind the fact that it was 4:30 PM and I actually only got out of bed at 12:30 PM.

An hour and a half later, I wake up, and go back to my computer. This time, I load myself up on chocolate, in a vain attempt to give me a little lift and energy boost. Chocolate usually works, and gets the juices flowing. I pickup where I left off on my daily internet routine, and try doing some odds and ends online.

Soon enough, however, I am back refreshing Google results to see if websites’ rankings have improved. I begin to obsessively refresh the website every few seconds, feeling tired and bored with each click of the mouse.

At 7:30 PM, I feel completely empty, emotionally wasted, and blurry. I returned to bed and got up again at 8:30 PM, whereupon I started my typical nighttime routine of cooking, washing dishes, and watching the news.

I realize that every day is precious, and we only get one shot at life, etc. and all those other sappy cliches.

Sometimes, though, I just feel so down, vacant, and unstimulated that I lack any desire to try and improve myself, and just succumb to going to bed or overeating.

This feeling of emptiness is typical for BPD sufferers, and it completely has me in its grip every once in a while. The results are wasted days, down moods, and irritability.

There are 1 million and 1 different things I could do with my day after my internet routine finishes: I could go to the gym, walk around a mall, take a drive, or call a friend.

Instead, I just shut everything and everyone out and retire to my bedroom for a nap, hoping to wake up on the other end a little more interested in daily life.

Had A Good Day, but one thing to keep in mind

Today I made up for missing my Monday “clean apartment” day and got up earlier than usual to take care of my chores.

I also went to the bank and waited patiently in line for about 40 mins to straighten out some minor issues with my account and also procure a security card for electronic transactions. These were things I was putting off, and today I just decided to do them.

Even more exciting was a surprise jump in my penny stock portfolio. Now I know what you’re thinking – a problem gambler probably shouldn’t be playing penny stocks.

Turns out, I was right on this one stock I currently own. News came from the government that the Department of Defense secured a grant for the company medical team to work on treating traumatic brain injuries.

This sent the stock price up 5 cents, which to some sounds like nothing, but when considering the fact that it opened today at 32 cents, this is a huge leap. Accordingly, my portfolio jumped up as well.

I was ecstatic and hooted and hollered for nearly a half hour around my apartment. My landlords probably felt that I needed to be committed again 🙂 but all the excitement was justified.

Tomorrow, things on the market could be different: day traders might sell off their holdings, (called profit taking) and this will lower the price per share. So, perhaps my celebration lunacy is premature.

The one thing I keep in the back of my mind, however, is that BPDs tend to reach high emotional limits on external stimulus, mostly because they don’t have a solid emotional core inside.

Yes, it is fine to be happy that you had a good day on the stock exchange, but if on another day the results were bad, would it still be possible to sustain a happy sense of self worth?

I am so excited at the moment that I will have to take some Klonopin to settle my mind before I go to sleep. I’d like nothing more than to feel this way for the rest of the week, but that nagging reality of BPD always remains.

It is far better to feel good inside, for better or for worse, than to rely on things you can’t really control to regulate your moods.

Food for thought I suppose….

Down Days: BPD makes me sleep all day and do nothing

I’ve had a couple down days, starting over the weekend on Sunday. I was trying to motivate myself to clean up my apartment, as I usually do every Sunday or Monday each week, but instead just wanted to sleep and do nothing.

So, now it is Monday evening, and I didn’t clean up my apartment, or do anything productive with my day. Instead, I got up, took my meds, and then returned to bed for the rest of the day. It’s too late now to start cleaning my apartment because I usually run a wash at the same time, and doing so at this hour would disturb others in the apartment next door.

Sleeping away days sometimes feels good, but when I wake up, I feel guilty and angry that I didn’t choose to do something with my day. It’s always good to have a break from the normal routine, but when is a break too long?

Of course, when I awaken from a daily slumber my self critic is banging on my head: “Why didn’t you clean the apartment?”, “Why didn’t you go out?”, “Why didn’t you answer the phone calls of friends?”

There is not much in my self esteem arsenal to begin with, so attempting to reply to criticism that is somewhat appropriate, somewhat insidious, is very hard.

Now that I’ve missed my usual Monday cleanup, I’m out of my routine and will have to do it on Tuesday.

I’m very rigid with my routines, and when something gets in the way, I have a hard time coping and adapting.

I don’t know when its appopriate to stop and relax, or when I should have pushed harder and taken care of my chores.

Once again, the polarizing tendancies of BPD (Black or White thinking) rears its ugly head.