Jul
16
When I was younger, I used to believe personality was linear and essentially one dimensional. For example, when you are a child you act as a child; a teen acts like a teen, and an adult acts as an adult given your age and life experiences. I thought personality was derived by the maturation process, since I was constantly reminded by my parents and adults around me to “grow up” or “act my age” when out of line. The fact is, however, I’ve come to realize that there are many factors that comprise what we call personality, hence my choice of the word “prism” to describe the totality of the personality inside each of us.
During the early days of psychology, Sigmund Freud suggested there were 3 key parts of personality: the id, the ego, and the super ego. The “id” is instinctual, carnal, and lacks any sort of moral control. It acts impulsively and without reason, and does not have any regard for the consequences of its actions. The ego serves as the middle child in this family: it is a “reality check” on the demands of the id, and tries to point us in the “right” direction in order to satisfy our id desires, through a much more realistic lens. Finally, the Superego serves as the arbiter of desires, reality, and self control. Unlike the other two personality components, the Superego guides one based on notions of morality and ethics. Essentially, the Superego is the “conscience” that guides everyday decision making, allowing the other two sub-personalities “permission” to come out only if such actions conform to what human society - and oneself - considers good.
Freud’s simplistic model spurred on more research into personality and what makes who we are. After Freud, the most notable diagnostic for personality would probably be the Meyers-Briggs test, which assesses the levels of extroversion vs. introversion, sensing vs. intuition, thinking vs. feeling, and judging vs. perceiving. This test is widely used many arenas, including general psychological research, job applications, and sometimes during the process of diagnosing mental illness. For example, I recently determined my own personality type using an online Meyers-Briggs test: INFJ. This result was slightly different than the type I had several years ago, which was INTJ.
When considering Freud’s model and the Meyers-Briggs test, it would appear that Meyers-Briggs covers the ego and superego aspects of personality, but not the id. Meyers-Briggs is very useful for breaking down how we behave from an emotional standpoint, but does not explain the more carnal and visceral human desires within us. As a result, I view Freud’s model as one side of the prism, while Meyers-Briggs to be another.
Another aspect of personality is spirituality, which can’t be measured on any test as definitively as general personality. Spirituality is a union of our inner soul and ultimate beliefs in life, and it serves as a catalyst to drive us forward, even when all other parts of us want to give up. In essence, it is even higher than the Superego, because it defines the ultimate ideals to which the superego is accountable. Some choose formal religion to guide their spirituality, while others might meditate or create their own higher belief system.
Teaming the ideas of Freud, Meyers-Briggs, and general spirituality, we have 3 sides of our prism covered. What’s the final side? Clearly, it’s the dysfunctional side of our personalities, the abnormalities, mishaps, and malfunctions that make us unique. This is where the programming gets scrambled for better or worse. This is where I believe Borderline Personality and other damaging psychological conditions come from.
Looking objectively at BPD, one can conclude that a portion comes from the id; while the Meyers-Briggs types explain how our BPD gets expressed. Spirituality remains constant in this equation, because even in our deepest, darkest moments, we still feel akin to some sort of higher power. The majority of BPD, however, comes from the dysfunctional part of the personality prism, which serves to reroute, misguide, and even self abuse ourselves and those around us. It is not necessarily psychosis, which suggests permanent personality failure; but more likely a damaged personality that has the potential to improve only if the rest of the person is willing to do significant work, soul searching, and counseling.
Facebook.com offers a version of the Meyers-Briggs personality test on its website, which allows users to post their result within their profile page. Facebook.com also categorizes each user based on the final letters determined from the test. For example, my INFJ diagnosis suggested I was “The Sage”: a compassionate, committed, and deep person. This sounds wonderful and uplifting to me. To be true to myself, however, I can’t escape the fact that there are other parts of me that are NOT this way.
Therefore, I do not believe personality can adequately be categorized by one diagnostic test, simply because personality itself is dynamic and multidimensional. There are parts of us that can be fleshed out using a test, but there are other parts of us that come into direct conflict with such test results.
This leads me to two final conclusions. One, personality is comprised of more than one piece: it is multi-faceted and constantly in motion. Two, and most importantly, my suggestion of a personality prism gives me hope, because while the BPD part of me does wreak havoc on my daily life, there are still other worthwhile, truly good parts of me that do exist and serve to push me forward towards improvement.
If you have BPD, the same is true with you. Don’t give up on yourself if you have BPD. Yes it is destructive and dangerous, but that doesn’t mean that’s all we are. Truly, there are other parts of us worth bringing out and living for.
Jun
13
I’ve often wondered what would be the perfect job for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the first things that comes to mind is acting, given the dramatic mood swings and desperate attempts to avoid abandonment. Another thought is professional study subject, where the BPD simply participates in every paid clinical psychological trial available. It would be a fairly easy job, since there is no particular need to keep oneself together. A third thought is motivational speaker about mental illness, perhaps even testifying before government bodies as proof that more money and resources are needed in the mental health field.
Then, the other day, I thought of another potential job: angry spokesperson. This thought came to mind while watching CNN’s coverage of the recent and horrific BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which threatens to destroy all Louisiana coastal wildlife, fishing grounds, and the livelihoods of many hard working people. CNN’s Anderson Cooper interviewed a number of different individuals regarding the impact of the spill during his nightly 2 hour special, including local citizens, politicians, and environmental experts. In most cases, I found the interviewees to be candid and thought provoking, but at times emotionally distant from what is really going to happen as the spill worsens (…that is, except for James Carville, who was very clear about expressing his disgust for BP’s negligence).
During various interviews and new conferences, President Obama made it clear that “getting angry wouldn’t help anything”, and he is probably right if speaking for himself. For others on the Gulf coastline, however, there needs to be an exponentially greater expression of anger, because without creating a viable emotional element to this story, people in the rest of the country (and the world) will not connect. They’ll begin to lose interest with the oil spill news, because it will eventually become repetitive and dry.
That’s where a pissed off, livid spokesperson with BPD makes sense, broadcast on national TV in a blinding fury of acute anger and outrage. Now, you’re probably thinking that I’m making a joke about BPD here, and you’re partly correct. Once in a while, if you can see the lighter side of mental illness, the constant impact it has on daily life doesn’t seem as bad. A BPD rage is so dramatic to others that they can’t help but notice, especially if the rage is justified and appropriate given the circumstances. Also, BPD rages are packed with emotion, passion, and fire that always lives long in the minds of bystanders. So, given these characteristics, I believe someone with BPD would be the perfect hire for any job that requires emotional expression, particularly anger.
One thing is for sure: I’m NOT making a joke about the BP Oil Spill in the Gulf. It is the largest environmental disaster in USA history, and will negatively impact the Gulf region and the lives of its citizens for years to come. Government response to the crisis has been lukewarm at best, and many in the region feel like it is another Katrina episode all over again (granted that the particular facts of each disaster are separate and unique).
For its part, BP has lawyered up, lied to everyone around them, stonewalled when asked to release footage of the continuing spill, and have acted completely disconnected from the impact this spill has made on so many people. According to CNN reports, some of the families of the 11 workers who were incinerated on the oil rig after the explosion haven’t even received so much as a sympathy card from BP. Instead, BP has acted completely arrogant, careless, and asinine. They have shown absolutely zero compassion for the victims of this disaster, most notably demonstrated by CEO Tony Hayward’s callous statement that “he wants his life back”. What kind of prick allows such negligence to take place, and then declares angst over the disruption of his million-dollar lifestyle when asked to actually step up and do something about the problem? This guy is an asshole inside and out, and should be fired and thrown in prison.
Furthermore, the impact on non-vocal majority - the wildlife in the region - will surely be felt forever. Already, pelicans are washing ashore dead or dying from being coated in crude oil. Marshes and wetlands are all but silent, indicating that even the bugs have died or disappeared, simply because their environment is ruined. But who cares about marshlands? Well everyone should: these vital natural sanctuaries act as breeding grounds for much of the Gulf region’s wildlife, fish, and mollusks. As a result of this disaster, it’s possible the Gulf will never see the level of diverse animal life again, not to mention the fact that fisherman and others who make their living by sea are now out of work and have little or no money to pay the bills.
Now do you see what I’m getting at when I suggest someone with BPD would be perfect representing the emotional toll this crisis has taken on people and nature? Trust me, if they can get someone on TV spitting mad, throwing things, and cursing BP with every name under the sun, people would take notice, and there would be more action from the responsible parties.
To be sure, a BPD style rage would not be appropriate every night on TV. Instead, just one or two clips or sound bytes would suffice, just to reinforce the desperate needs of this dire situation.
You might be wondering about the conflict of subject matter in this blog. On one hand, I’m detailing the terrible events about a disaster with lasting effects for years, but on the other, I’m half jokingly suggesting that someone with BPD would be perfect to enunciate the emotional toll this crisis has taken.
Well, there actually is no conflict in this blog if you look at everything altogether. Sometimes, when a situation warrants an angry response, you need someone to be absolutely livid in a passionate rage that grabs everyone’s attention. Therefore, in such circumstances, a BPD outburst is actually just what everyone needs to experience in order to wake up and realize what is truly happening.
Jun
1
To be honest, this aspect of BPD is not really a surprise. At times, the need to act on impulses can be distracting and stressful, creating more “garbage” in your day than you really need. Other times impulsivity leads to light hearted, even humorous actions (about as humorous as BPD can get 
) that would appear quirky to the outside world. A darker side of BPD impulsivity is the act of self harm, ie. cutting, burning, or other disfiguring acts that come about suddenly and without any sort of reasonable forethought.
Just what do I mean when I say “BPD Impulsivity”? In broad strokes, I mean those mental hiccups that make us do things which create stress, distraction, or some degree of neurosis during day to day living. For example, while you’re reading this blog, your mind might be thinking: “Did I shut the car door all the way?”; or “I should lower the volume of the TV right now instead of finishing reading this blog first”; or “the ants crawling around on the floor are making me crazy!”.
On the surface these things might seem quite innocuous, but in reality they only serve to clog up the mind of a Borderline and send them in every direction except straight forward. It’s possible this could be a product of Attention Deficit Disorder (and/or Hyperactivity), or even some form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Speaking for myself, however, I’ve never had a diagnosis of those conditions, so I tend to conclude that my BPD is scrambling the signals in my mind.
Here are a few examples from my own life, from harmless to serious:
- The Impulse to rid my surroundings of annoying insects - Sometimes I’ll be working at my computer, and I’ll hear a mosquito buzz in my ear. Like anyone else, I initially shoo it away. A few minutes later, the bug returns and starts buzzing again. I hate mosquitoes and they make me crazy. So, instead of just ignoring the situation and continuing with my work, I immediately drop everything and spend 30 minutes hunting down the mosquito as it flies around my room. I don’t feel “relieved” of this impulse until there’s a dead bug on the ground. All this fuss creates unnecessary stress and wastes time.
- The Impulse to go to the bathroom even though it’s not urgent - After working all day, I like to watch TV in the evenings. I use this time to relax and unwind, and maybe even have a laugh if I’m watching a sitcom. I tell myself to hunker down in my chair and enjoy the free time away from life and my job. Ultimately, instead of just watching TV for an hour and going to bed, I find myself getting up and going to the bathroom (even during the shows, not just at commercial breaks) even if it’s not an emergency. The sudden urge to urinate passes through my mind, and instead of putting it aside for another hour, I feel the unabating need to get out out of my chair and “break up” my relaxation time. The end result produces free time that wasn’t really “free”, because I wasn’t allowing myself to unwind.
- The Impulse to Gamble - One symptom of BPD is the need to gamble, abuse substances, or pursue some other potentially reckless behavior as a way to self medicate. In my case, the poison is gambling. I turned 21 in college, and found the casino to be an irresistible distraction from my boring, lonely college life. It was a great escape from social pressures and feelings of worthlessness. Some nights when I was studying in the library, I’d have the sudden urge to gamble. Instead of ignoring this urge, I’d find myself in the car and exiting my college campus 5 minutes later. Truth be told, I once got pulled over by a policeman for speeding on my way to the casino, because I was so desperate for a rush and need to get out of my surroundings. I never really “planned” my trips to the casino, it was more just a way to release pressure from my BPD stress valve.
- The Impulse to Self Mutilate - I’ve detailed the tendency of Borderlines to self mutilate in a couple other blogs, but I also want to take this opportunity to say that sometimes, self mutilating behavior happens and we may not even know it. To return to my example of watching TV at the end of a long day, I’ll find myself sitting quietly in my chair, and then a couple minutes later my fingers will inch their way to my head and start to pick at my scalp. Other times, I’ll feel around my shoulders or back for pimples and squeeze them. In college this urge was much more dire: I would occasionally feel a sudden need to grind at my arm with a knife or do a “pain tolerance test” with a match and my flesh as proving grounds. I never planned to do these things, nor would even want to do them. I just found myself doing them at the spur of the moment, arising from stressful thoughts or depression.
I have to admit that it’s very hard to control impulsive behavior, unless one is in a highly focused mental state. If not, the BPD mind tends to wander towards the direction of low grade self abuse or some other inane activity that opens the proverbial “can of worms” emotionally and physically.
Is spending a half hour chasing a mosquito around my room, getting more frustrated as each moment passes, really a good use of my time? Absolutely not - but sometimes no matter how hard I try to avoid impulsive behavior, it just takes over my mind anyway.
May
15
Self mutilation, as a symptom of BPD, is generally a common occurrence. Doctors meet many BPD patients for the first time during a crisis, which might include some form of cutting, burning, or other self imposed physical abuse as a means to either manipulate those around them, or to ease the pain they are feeling inside. Suffice to say, in all but the most serious of BPD cases, self mutilation recedes with treatment. It would be impossible for a BPD sufferer to cut themselves every day and still expect to walk around without restraints. Therefore, if you’ve witnessed someone with BPD in the midst of a self abusive act, take some solace in the fact that it is an uncommon event,that is, if the BPD gets some sort of treatment.
Left untreated, BPD self mutilation will continue, and might even approach suicide attempts. For the purposes of this blog, however, we’re going to assume that a BPD sufferer is “caught” in time and does not further escalate their self harming acts. Instead, it is important to discuss low-grade self mutilation.
During the initial years of my diagnosis, I was prone to cutting or searing my body with a small flame. This was mostly a private act meant to assuage the pain I was feeling, and the worst of it occurred before I was in formal treatment. After receiving medication and general psychotherapy, my urge to outwardly self mutilate fell away. I realized that hurting myself was extremely detrimental to my recovery and appearance. What’s more, I didn’t want to go to the next extreme, which from time to time crossed my mind. I have a couple faint scars on my arm left from when I was cutting, which are ironically hidden by diabetic glucose lancet pricks that leave my arm with plenty of small dots to distract the eyes from getting a closer look.
To say that I have completely stopped self mutilating would be a lie. Now, I practice low-grade self mutilation, characterized by spontaneous, random moments where I feel the need to touch my body in a potentially harmful way. In some cases, these acts take on the form of stress relief, allowing me to vent anger or frustration. Other times, I poke at myself because I feel very depressed and helpless. For some reason, being able to release the pressure behind the “pain valve” takes the form of agitating my body, no matter what state of mind I’m in.
Here are a few examples of my low grade self mutilation:
- Mutilating Acne Lesions - This is relatively common among people without mental illness, but it takes on different proportions when the sufferer has BPD. If I am feeling upset, I will often focus all my energy on an acne lesion, squeezing it, poking it with sharp objects, or even trying to suffocate the lumpy appearance on my skin by inserting a diabetic syringe and sucking the pus out. I know, this is absolutely disgusting. For some reason, however, during the brief moments where I succeed in removing the lesion, I feel like I’m in control, that I was able to feel the pain and express it. Unfortunately, this quick fix for mental anguish comes at the expense of my skin. The result has produced scars where lesions used to be, and in most cases aggravating the acne only results in more breakouts. It’s a vicious cycle that continues even though I’m well beyond my adolescent years when acne is particularly severe.
- Head Picking - I started this habit during early adolescence. Initially, I had a neurotic obsession with making sure wood ticks where not on my body. Sometimes, after playing outside or walking through the woods, I would spend several minutes running my fingers through my hair at all angles, hoping to catch a tick and remove it. One time, I actually did find a tick, and when I pulled it out, I felt a rush of relief come over me. Although it makes sense to be happy about not having ticks, the act ultimately gave me a horrible habit of picking at my head whenever I felt stressed or anxious. During particularly frustrating moments, I used to dig my nails deep into my scalp and yank out as much skin and hair as possible. It comes as no surprise to say that I developed a noticeable callous and scar. I was only able to drop this habit about a year ago. Now, instead of picking my head, I simply rub it profusely, which has allowed my small wound to heal.
- Poking at My Ears - It seems the moment I dropped head picking, I picked up ear poking. This is a potentially dangerous substitute, because I risk losing my hearing. Still, in stressful moments, I will have the urge to insert unraveled paper clips into my ear, especially if I feel an itch that can’t be soothed from the outside. Sometimes I will play around with my inner ear by moving the paper clip in all directions, which for some reason just makes me feel better. Last year, however, I was doing this so much that I gave myself 2 outer ear canal infections that required a trip to the doctor, antibiotics, and ear drops. As recently as two months ago I felt another infection coming on, and was somehow able to reel in this awful habit long enough for my ear to heal. Don’t ask me how I got the idea for this. I can only tell you that it soothes me AND that I know it a bad thing to do. I’m slowly trying to get rid of this habit.
- Prodding at Tonsils - By now you must be thinking, “This guy is a maniac! Who plays with their tonsils?”. The answer: I do. About 3 years ago I realized that I would develop tonsil stones from time to time. For the uninitiated, tonsil stones are small clumps of mucus, dead skin, debris, and bacteria that lodge themselves into the tonsillar crypts. If allowed to fester, they engorge themselves and eventually become the most foul smelling things you have ever experienced. After I realized I had this problem, I obviously became super self conscious about my breath, since these pungent balls of waste were lining the back of my mouth. To mitigate their effect, I slowly worked my way into a routine of poking, pushing, pulling, and even prodding my tonsils with metal objects in order to remove the stones. In fact, it is part of my nightly oral hygiene regimen: after floss, I grab a flashlight and begin playing with my tonsils to get rid of any semblance of tonsil stones. The only benefit to this habit is that I’ve managed to delay my gag reflex long enough to get rid of them. Other than that, in stressful moments when I think there are stones in my mouth, I’ve actually made my tonsils bleed after poking them with small pointed objects like toothpicks. This has only left me with a sore throat and minor infections. It’s a strange habit that I justify to myself by seeking fresher breath. In reality, that’s really just a cover story.
So, even though I’m no longer cutting my arm or searing my stomach with a lighter, I still practice small acts of self mutilation. The bottom line is this: If I can’t get the pain out of me, I MAKE it come out. I will poke and prod at my body, even to the point that blood comes up, until I have gotten rid of whatever I am chasing and get the mental relief I am seeking.
The real question to consider is how one can stop such habits, particularly when they are interwoven with BPD symptoms. I don’t have an answer for that right now, but I can tell you that the only thing that has worked for me is “downgrading” my poking to rubbing or pushing. Instead of making the acne bleed, I push it and then clean up with a tissue. Instead of picking at my head incessantly, I rub it round and round until my stress is alleviated. Instead of jamming things in my ear, I try tugging on my ear lobes if I feel an inner ear itch (much like a toddler might do).
I still have no answer for the tonsils, but I’m working on it. Until then, don’t try to go cold turkey on your low grade self mutilation, because it is high mountain to pass in one leap. Try bringing your habits down notch by notch, and eventually you will not pose a threat to your own body anymore.