Feb
1
Up until age 16, I generally believed in God. My family is Irish-Catholic, so it’s no surprise that I was Baptized, had Communion, and was Confirmed. As a youngster I went to chruch on Sundays and had Catechism. As I grew older, we became the stereotypical “Christmas and Easter” Catholics. After my mid-teen years, however, my outlook on religion and a “higher power” changed.
I learned in Catechism that we sin because of “Original Sin”, an immutable condition of being human. Original Sin is derived from the story of Adam and Eve. When they sinned and fell from Paradise, the rest of humanity was stricken with original sin forever. Catechism also taught us a “fire and brimstone” view of our religion: if you are a sinner and don’t repent, you go to Hell and burn in pain for the rest of eternity. Alternatively, if you are a good Catholic (and put money in the collection plate each week 
) you can go to Heaven, if not purgatory to get rid of your evils.
I gave up on religion after my second semester in College. It seemed so harsh and rigid; so unforgiving and demanding; so insistent that we must participate in organized worship of God that undoubtedly gets clouded by human interests. For example, look no further than the Priest Abuse scandal that plagues the Catholic church to this day. Even more important, look at the opulence and wealth which Priests, Bishops, Cardinals, and the Pope enjoy. For people that take a vow of poverty, the Vatican City ain’t a bad place to live (nor any other religious dwelling - they live tax free don’t forget).
I’ll talk about the events which led to my falling out of Catholicism another time, but essentially it boiled down to a couple issues: 1) Why is there so much suffering in a World that is supposedly looked after by a “Loving” God? 2) What is the justification, religious or otherwise, for certain events in my life that have fundamentally damaged me forever? Why me? (The Book of Job Complex) And perhaps more selfishly, “What has God done for me lately?”
According to Catechism, “God has reasons for everything beyond explanation”, and in order to appease him/her we must live pure lives, do good, and repent for our sins. This is where the famous “Confession” aspect of church comes into play: if we tell a God, vis a vi a Priest, all our sins and confess our remorse for committing them, we will be absolved after Confession and a few “Our Fathers”, “Hail Marys”, or even “The Rosary” for the especially wicked among us. We continue confessing until we die, when our soul is judged for entry into Hell, Heaven, or Purgatory.
Since I’ve tossed religion out of my life, one lingering thought I have is how we, as humans, either to ourselves or among others, atone for our sins. In society, we are held to standards governed by the Law, which if broken, results in a punishment and/or incarceration. Human law is rather clear about what is and is not acceptable, and the ways by which we pay our debts and return to society as free individuals.
The Law aside, I’ve asked myself how we can makeup our sins, or at least shed the heartache that they give us. More importantly, is there heartache because of my Catholic indoctrination, or because my “conscience” objects to what I have done?
Nowadays, I choose the latter of those two. I think a conscience essentially rules most people’s existence, save if they are profoundly mentally ill or incapable of rational thought. When we do something “questionable”, the conscience will often chime in and advise us about our wrongs. For example, our conscience might speak when we download MP3s for free instead of compensating the artist for their work; or steal $5 from our parent’s wallet because we want candy; or participate in illicit criminal activity. On the more extreme end, our conscience may become like a ball and chain if we constantly do wrong, like a Mob Hit man, someone who molests children, or a business executive that steals from someone’s retirement fund or medical benefits.
In my mind, feeling “wrong” about something ranges the entire spectrum, and the more wrong we do, the more it pains us. Alternatively, the more wrong we do now, the more unfortunate events will come our way later. This is the concept of Karma. Give and you will recieve; take, and you will be taken from.
I must admit (or confess) that I have done a lot of wrong in my life, including but not limited to breaking the law and doing things which are wrong and in some cases perverse. Why did I do these things? Perhaps out of selfishness, perhaps because I am hard wired to do certain things, or perhaps because I choose to allow myself to succumb to my weaknesses. But why was I given certain weaknesses opposed to others? Surely, for example, I’d prefer to be a purse snatcher over a hardened drug lord?
If I were a “perfect” citizen, I would report to court and advise them to send me to jail for my wrongs (and believe me, there is a substantial list of them). In reality, I don’t, however, because the thought of going to jail for things that society hasn’t “caught me doing” doesn’t seem right. Instead, I feel like Karma will catch us one day, and remind us of how wrong we are, even if we’ve never actually been caught breaking the law. An example might be an alcoholic who causes a fatal drunk driving accident, or a murderer who sees his/her own child die at the hands of another, or a Peeping Tom who is caught red-handed and publicly humiliated for the rest of his life.
If things work this way, it seems fair. On the other hand, surely if we recognize our wrongdoings, there must be some way to balance out Karma so that it doesn’t whiplash us later, for sins that came about from our own weaknesses and disposition?
My answer to this question is essentially simple: everyone does wrong at some point in their lives. If so, you need to give back, or at minimum find some way of doing good to balance the equation. Even if you’ve never been caught by the Law or called out by another human being, you still should make an attempt at being good for your own sake and the sake of others.
So I guess I believe in “conscience” balancing act: whether or not society knows about what we have done, we still need to makeup for things that aren’t right. The question is, how can we do this now while “on earth” in order to avoid some sort of “Hell” for an afterlife? Or, is there no afterlife and we simply do what we want while alive?
I would like to think there is something beyond an earthly existence, whether or not it conforms to the Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Buddhist, or Islamic faiths. After all, the “Higher Power” could really be anything. In that vain, what can I do NOW to atone for all the wrongs I have committed?
THAT’s definitely one of the mysteries of life that bothers me…
Jan
18
Take Time Out to Help Haiti
Filed Under Uncategorized
Sometimes, you have to put BPD aside, and think about the rest of the world. Anyone without BPD who has read this blog probably thinks it’s a very selfish, self-centered, SOB story about a guy with emotional problems. If you fall into this category, I’ll freely admit that you’re partially correct. BPD can appear, at times, to be highly self-centered and ignorant of the needs of others.
So, for the time being, let’s focus on helping others who are in desperate need of relief.
The Haiti Earthquake has devastated the capital city of Port Au Prince, and some fear 100,000 are dead. Further, there are thousands more that have survived the quake and are now in need of medical attention, food, water, and shelter; things most of us probably take for granted. There is also need for basic infrastructure to clean up and organize the city, as well as need for security to preserve the rule of law.
I strongly urge anyone reading this post to please donate to the Haiti Relief Effort if you haven’t already. The amount you give is unimportant: but the fact that you took time to help others in a horrific situation has significant meaning.
The following is a list of charitable organizations listed on www.CNN.com as trustworthy and already taking action to help the people of Haiti. If you have any questions about where your donation will go or who it will benefit, I suggest calling the individual charity itself to make sure your money goes to the right hands.
I made a donation to World Vision.
Thanks and Let’s Hope Things Get Better for the people of Haiti.
Organizations accepting international currencies:
• The International Committee of the Red Cross
• British Red Cross
• UK: The Disasters Emergency Committee
• The French Red Cross
• UK: Merlin
• Germany Red Cross
• Italian Red Cross
• Ireland: Concern Worldwide
• Oxfam Great Britain
• Plan Canada
Jan
10
It seems like every year after the holidays, I fall into a bit of a depressive mode, regardless of whether or not I spent the holidays with a special someone or just the usual family crowd. I don’t remember feeling this way when I was younger, in part because as a youth, grammar school kept me busy and I had new toys to play with. As one grows older, however, the holidays take on different meanings. Here’s a very brief summary of how it went for me, mixed in with what others might experience:
- Up to 12 Years: You likely believe in Santa Claus, and the magic of Christmas/Hanukkah is still very much apart of your holiday celebration. New toys, clothes, and cash gifts from relatives make you feel like you’ve hit the jackpot.
- 13-18 Years: The Santa Claus myth is busted, and, now that you’re in middle school or high school, the name of the game is to sulk around Christmas/Hanukkah and text your friends instead of interacting with the rest of the family. For the first time, you get more clothes than toys/gadgets for Christmas. Ugh.
- 19-25 Years: Christmas/Hanukkah takes on a new meaning if you’re working for a living or in college. Now, you have to start buying gifts for others (if you haven’t already) and the break that occurs over the holidays is a much needed respite from the hustle and bustle of young adult life. If you’re over 21, drinking at Christmas becomes all the rage. You might even go out after Christmas dinner to meet friends at a local bar.
- 26-30 Years: You’ve landed your first job and are just scraping by, managing to convince your boss to let you have 3 days off to celebrate the holiday. It can be a lonely time if your college buddies have moved away, or, are starting their own careers. Spending time with family and friends takes on a new meaning, especially if siblings bring their spouses or boy/girl friends to the dinner table. You might even buy gifts for a new child of your own or a new niece/nephew.
I’m not sure what happens after 30, because I’m only 30 still , but I imagine one starts to take over for organizing the holidays from Mom and Dad, allowing them to rest and sleep in their chairs instead of quarter-backing all the food preparation and decorating.
The sad part of all of this starts January 2nd of the new year, when the real world hits you smack in the face. Suddenly, bills are due, you have to report to work, the Christmas tree or Menorah is put away, decorations come down, and you’re eating leftovers. Friends and family are back to their lives as well, so the emotions you experienced together are now history, tucked away until next year.
When I returned to Costa Rica after the Holidays, I went through a period of depression after I unpacked all my gifts and things returned to normal. All of the anticipation was gone. The excitement and cheer evaporated. I basically spent a few days in and out of bed feeling a bit disillusioned and lost.
I think the same happens for everyone, regardless of whether or not they have BPD or depressive tendencies. Frankly, reality bites (sorry for that old cliche), and now it’s time to take stock for the New Year.
In my case, I’ve resolved to lose weight (like millions of others), but haven’t gotten into the gym routine just yet. My other resolution is to be happy. I’m not even wasting my time with a resolution to find a girlfriend or wife. I’m going to stick with two important resolutions and see what happens from there.
My Mom used to play a Peter, Paul, and Mary Christmas Concert when I was younger full of Christmas and Hanukkah carols. At one point in the show, they sing a lovely version of “We Wish you a Merry Christmas”. During one refrain in the song, they ask, “Why can’t it be Christmas the whole year round?”. As a youth this feeling was a no brainer: who wouldn’t want gifts and food every day of the year?
As an adult, however, the thought of another Christmas in July brings would bring mixed emotions. There’s a lot at stake during the holidays, so maybe it’s better that we celebrate just once a year. The trick is to feel fulfilled the next 364 days of the year…
Happy New Year to All!… I just got up at 4:00 PM after going to bed at 3:00 AM the night before, and I’ve just welched on a promise to myself that I’d clean my dirty apartment and get out of the house.
Nov
29
Instead of writing my usual lengthy entry, I thought I’d write a few “quick hits”, or points that I’ve thought about throughout my struggle with depression and BPD. Some are anecdotal and personal in nature, while others are global comments about BPD.
BorderlineBlog.com: BPD Quick Hits - 11/29/2009
- I always have music playing in my head. I used to think this meant I was to be a great musician, but that reality didn’t bare itself out. After studying music and through College, I learned that one needs to possess innate talent and an immense inner drive to be a successful artist. As someone with BPD, I notice my soundtrack is constantly playing, usually relative to my mood. If I’m lonely or heartsick, it’s love songs or slow music; if I’m excited it’s hard rock or techno; if I’m in a focused mood, it’s house. Needless to say, the constant stream of music in my head can be entertaining, but also doesn’t allow my mind to quiet down. It can be hard to sleep at night when music is running laps around your brain.
- I want what I can’t have (relationships). At 30, I feel like I’ve missed the boat at various points in my life with women who I thought would be the perfect girlfriend or even wife. In reality, these things didn’t work out for a variety of reasons: timing, they didn’t like me back, or different interests. Needles to say, for whatever reason, I still carry a torch for these BPD “crushes” I had, some going back 15 years to High School. Somehow I feel like not being good enough to be with these women has doomed me to a life of compromise and “settling” for whatever comes my way. I HATE the concept of “settling”. I would prefer to be with someone I really like. Sadly, (so far) most of my romantic feelings go unrequited. It hurts me in the present because I don’t try to move on and meet others.
- Perfectionist Tendencies. Nothing seems to be ever “good enough” or satisfactory. If I got a 91 on a quiz in College, I tell myself I should have gotten a 95. If I make $5,000 one month from work, I want $10,000 the next. If I’m cleaning my house and I leave a spec of dirt on the window, I drag myself back outside to carefully clean it off. It seems like I can’t be happy unless everything is perfect. How does one be happy when things are just “OK”, or “status quo”? For me, the status quo feels like an unacceptable condition.
- I hate the telephone. I didn’t get my first cel phone until 2007, mostly because I hate the telephone. I find it to be disruptive, noisy, and rude when I’m trying to work, relax, or sleep. So most times, I don’t even answer the phone because I don’t feel like being bothered. On the other hand, I’m a lonely person. If I want to connect with people, I should attempt to be in better touch with others, and that makes the phone a necessity. Ultimately, though, if I’m not in the mood to talk, or am doing something else in a given moment, I just let the phone ring until the person gives up. I tell myself, “If it’s important, they’ll leave a message I can hear later”. Hmmmm.
- Picking at my body or skin. This is partially a symptom of BPD: picking at acne, scabs, pulling on ears, obsessively cleaning ears, digging fingers and nails into one’s head, or prying at chancre sores is a low grade form of self mutilation. When I am especially stressed, I feel the need to pick at my head, which has resulted in a scar, flaky skin, and hair loss. I made it a point to stop this habit over a year ago. Now, in stead of digging my nails into my scalp, I just “rub” the skin instead. The scar has healed. Instead of this obsessive habit, now I obsessively clean and prod at my ears, which resulted in a painful outer ear infection last March. I also constantly pick and squeeze acne lesions. I know, this is totally gross, but for some reason, it sort of helps relief borderline personality stress. Unfortunately, however, these habits come with consequences, including infections, more acne, blemishes, etc. I’ve found it hard to create substitutes for low grade self mutilation.
- Harboring old grudges against people long out of my life. One mode of operation for BPD sufferers is to feel like victims of everything and everyone around them. To be sure, there have definitely been people in my life that have bullied me, teased me, or otherwise completely disrespected me. I HATE these people and always will. Call it BPD “polarized thinking” (people are viewed either all good or all bad), but I think of it as anger buried deep inside me that has never expressed itself in a healthy manner. Instead of going outside and splitting wood (… not that I do that anyway…), I like to daydream about finding bullies from my youth and beating them bloodied and to the point of disfigurement with a pipe or bat. Better yet, sometimes I even picture myself torturing the bully, and then blowing their brains out with a shot gun. For people with BPD, even the slightest taunts can gouge their way through one’s self esteem; and more importantly, sufferers of BPD carry these feelings for a VERY long time, if not for life.
- I have a Facebook account. A couple months ago, I posted my status as “Yes, I’m crazy”. A couple people responded with smiley faces or funny remarks. My Mom, however, who had just opened her own Facebook account, thought that I “shouldn’t write such things about myself”. My Mom has her own mental health issues and is a very brittle person. She gets embarrassed at the slightest gust of negativity directed towards herself or her family. I actually ignored her request, and just left it up. I think it’s a good thing that I can, on occasion, make fun of myself. Humor is good, right?
The Closer: WOW, I just finished watching Saturday Night Live with Gerard Butler and musical guest Shakira. The women in the audience screamed anytime Butler stepped on stage, and heck, they also screamed when Shakira was on stage.
I wish I could meet Shakira for just an hour and talk with her. Unlike so many Pop artists, she is very intelligent, sensual, and beautiful both inside and out. I actually don’t even feel lust towards her - it’s more like a feeling of “this woman, who is so free, liberated, brilliant, and beautiful, could be my soul mate”.
I know, ha ha ha. Wishful thinking. For me, though, as a borderline male, I daydream about ways to somehow get her attention in a good way. I’ve even visited her website to see if there were any “Meet Shakira for dinner” song writing contests. If there ever were, I swear I would dig up all my old music and sit at a piano for hours until I made the perfect song that might catch her ear. She is a rare human being and a rare talent; and more importantly a good role model.
You’re probably still laughing. Don’t worry, I know it’s a pipe dream, but for someone with BPD, the thought of connecting with someone so exquisite and seemingly perfect represents a reality free from the chains of depression and inner anguish: a reality where love is not brokered or bartered, but given and returned unconditionally. …Now do you get it?
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